Nowhere To Be found
by Never give up Hope
Summary: A tale of a survivor in a place far from home. Will she be able to overcome the challenges that face her? Can she face the demons of the past? Or will she let them destroy any possible future? AU and OC but no MS. A look at Lost with one extra survivor.
1. Chapter 1

**AN**

Ok this is my first ever fanfic, so I would really appreciate the readers to leave reviews and tell me howI am doing, but please try to avoid being nasty about it, so no flames if possible. In truth this story wouldn't even havebeen up if my amazing Beta hadn't persuaded me to get it posted, whilst helping with all my errors. Anyway as the summary says the story is AU, and it is an OC butI have tried to keep Alexa from being a Mary Sue. Also the lost characters may be a bit OOC, as we are only up to episode 4 over here so i dont know them perfectly. So on with the story

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, plotlines of quotes you may recognize from the TV series "Lost", i only own Alexa, and own ideas.

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**Chapter 1 **

Alexa awoke to the sound of screams and shouts from all around her, she tried to open her eyes only to close them again as a dizzy spell struck her body. The smell of smoke mixed with the rancid smell of blood hit her nostrils, and Alexa longed to open her eyes to see what was causing these things to assault her senses.

A shout from a few feet away made Alexa stir even more "Another one over there….she doesn't look too good." The voices grew closer to her until she released they were standing right by her.

"Hey" A calm voice from above her spoke "I'm Jack, and I'm a doctor."

"What happened?" Alexa managed to choke out between a cough, which brought a metallic taste of blood to her mouth.

"The plane, it crashed, don't you remember?" He asked concerned.

"I don't think I was the most lucid at that time to be honest, I wasn't really sure what was going on." She said weakly

Conversation stopped abruptly as a voice shouted from further away:

" Jack, we could use a little help over here" The voice sounded slightly worried to Alexa's ears, but she wasn't sure if she could really trust her empathetic skills at this moment in time, not that she had really been that good at reading people anyway.

"I'll be over in a minute I just need someone to sort out…"He stopped realising he didn't know her name.

"Alexa" She supplied for him.

"Alexa here, she has a couple of broken ribs that need wrapping, and she's been hit on the head so she may have concussion" He replied back. Another voice drew closer it was gentle and had a slightly foreign lilt to it, Alexa found herself longing to open her eyes just to see who had spoken, although she realised she should probably be paying attention to what Jack and this man were saying.

"What do I need to do Jack?" The voice inquired softly.

"Wrap her ribs securely with those bandages over there, that's all we can do for now, the cut on her cheek needs cleaning but that's about it. Oh, and see what she can remember, but don't let her move too much." Said Jack his voice already growing quieter as he jogged away.

Alexa was now alone with the other man, and she decided that it was about time she actually saw what was going on around her, instead of relying on her hearing. She slowly let her eyes drift open, and let them grow accustomed to the light before turning them to face the men who had just returned to her side with some bandages. The man looked to be quite tall but she couldn't trust that to be certain as when you are lying on the floor things seem to have a different perspective, what she could be sure of was that he had tan skin and dark curly hair along with almost black eyes, his eyes held a warmth and gentleness, she had rarely seen anyone use when looking at her. It was a nice feeling she realised, as she thought about it she realised she had heard his accent somewhere before….oh that was it; when she spent those years in Egypt, yes he was definitely Arabic

Before she could continue her musings his soft voice interrupted her thoughts:

"Alexa? It is Alexa right?"

"Oh yes sorry, you haven't told me your name….or did I just miss it?" She questioned good-humouredly

"No I haven't said it. My name is Sayid"

"Well Sayid it's nice to meet you, pity it's not under better circumstances, but it's nice to meet you anyway." Alexa's English accent clearly showed in her last statement, and Sayid couldn't help but stop what he was doing to listen to her almost intoxicating accent. Sayid shook himself of his thoughts and looked back down at Alexa.

"Ok Jack says you have a few broken ribs so were going to have to wrap them, and I am sorry to say it may hurt" Sayid said his voice laced with concern. Alexa looked back straight into his eyes before replying.

"I'm sure I'll cope, plus I doubt it will hurt more than when I got them broken in the first place."

"You may have a point there"

By unspoken agreement Sayid gently helped Alexa sit up and she lifted her shirt a bit so that he could get to her ribs. Alexa winced slightly at the pain, but she had had broken ribs before so she knew what to expect as Sayid began to gently wrap the bandages round her midriff. The bandages needed to be tight so as to hold her ribs, and support them, but they also needed to have enough room for Alexa to breath and have some freedom of movement.

"I get the feeling you may have done this before" Alexa commented dryly

"And why is that?" Sayid asked slightly bewildered at the idea that she knew of his experience with dealing with basic injuries.

"Well I've had my ribs wrapped by an amateur before and I tell you now, it hurt a lot more than this." Alexa said with a slight smile. Sayid couldn't help but return the smile, catching Alexa's eye as he looked up. He tenderly finished wrapping her ribs, and Alexa moved her shirt back down.

"Ok all we have to deal with now is that cut, and Jack says that it most likely isn't deep enough to need stitches." Sayid said inspecting the gash on Alexa's face.

"I'll just go grab some water that some survivors have been putting together…..don't go anywhere" Sayid said

"Where exactly did you expect me to be able to go with 3 broken ribs and unable to walk?" She shouted good naturedly to his retreating back. Sayid just turned and raised his shoulders in an: I don't know gesture, but Alexa still caught the smirk on his lips. She couldn't help but laugh slightly at the banter between herself and Sayid, normally she didn't get on so well with people, especially people she first met, they found her sarcasm and dry wit an annoyance, whilst she generally preferred isolating herself from people who can't cope with her particular form of satirical humour instead of having to explain the subtle techniques of irony to them.

Once again Alexa's musings were interrupted but this time it was not by the warm and gentle voice of Sayid but by a more course voice with a distinct southern drawl to it. Alexa couldn't help but conjure images of cactuses and cowboys that as an Englishwomen were a stereotype known for those who lived in the South of the USA.

"What have we here then?" His voice held a certain mocking tone to it, that she doubted she would have picked up had she not have used it herself countless times. Alexa decided to ignore his tone hoping to make a good impression on new people for once instead of immediately driving them away, although she had a feeling she was not going to be able to hold her tongue for long.

"I'm Alexa" she replied politely "Who are you?"

"I'm Sawyer, nice to meet you" Once again his voiced was laced with mockery but this time it was much more clearly evident. And Alexa could no longer hold up her charade.

"Why do I get the feeling that despite all pretences, your true feelings are the exact opposite of what just came out of your mouth?" Alexa replied raising an eyebrow in challenge.

Sawyer looked taken aback if only for a moment, and Alexa decided it was worth whatever repercussions it might have just to have seen his reaction even for a split second. But then his face split into a smirk and it was only then that Alexa realised how truly good looking the man in front of her was, blonde hair fell roughly onto his forehead flopping slightly into his icy blue eyes, it wasn't like the instant attraction Alexa had felt towards Sayid, and whereas the warmth in Sayid's eyes had just drawn her in even more, Sawyer's eyes were cold to look at, yet Alexa, didn't miss the hint of some thing underlying which was quickly gone before she could pinpoint what it was. Yes, she may not have been instantly drawn to the man before her, but she couldn't deny he was handsome, although by the looks of things his personality had a lot to be desired.

"Well then" He said "At least there's someone on this god damn island with a sense of humour."

Alexa was slightly surprised; it was hardly the sort of response she was used to getting, in fact she doubted anyone had ever complimented her often considered annoying humour before.

"Definitely not the response I was expecting…..original and it certainly caught me off guard, but not what I normally get." Once again Alexa could see her distinct English accent had surprised the man before her.

"Well I like to surprise" He said "So Alexa was it? Looks like we got ourselves another Brit"

"Wow you really are observant there Mr Sawyer, what gave it away….my obvious wit and charm, or my pale complexion?" She asked sarcastically. Sawyer gave her the look she was used to in response to her sarcasm; a mixture of slight confusion and annoyance, and although it was only fleeting Alexa didn't miss it.

"Oh come now, don't give me that look, I thought you were different, but if it makes you happy I apologise, I'm not normally quite this bad, but I suppose crashing on an island in the middle of nowhere does that to you." Alexa's voice although polite was laced with her normal underlying sarcasm, and she wondered if this man would be able to pick it up.

"Oh come on……" Sawyer's response was cut off by Sayid's return, and truth be told Alexa was pretty thankful, she had a thumping headache so she wasn't really up to a battle of wits with the arrogant cowboy at this moment in time.

"What are you doing here Sawyer?" Sayid's normally gentle voice sounded angry and slightly bitter, both Sawyer and Alexa picked it up, Alexa raised her eyebrows, glancing between the two, but Sawyer obviously not wanting to stick around just got up and began to walk away.

"I can see when I'm not wanted, see you later Lexi, but I'm sure the Arab'll keep you company until then." The mocking tone to Sawyer's voice had once again returned, and Alexa couldn't help but give a passing remark.

"He's certainly better company than you" She shouted to him, but she kept her voice light in obvious jest.

"Poor comeback Lex, poor comeback!"

"It wasn't bad for spur of the moment" She managed to shout before he was out of earshot.

Alexa now turned back to Sayid who was watching Sawyer's retreating back with a look of intense dislike.

"What's with you and him then?" Alexa asked curiously, she wondered how many people this Sawyer had managed to piss off just in the couple of hours they had been here.

"We do not get on very well" he said simply.

"I could have worked that one out Sayid……anyway you going to clean this cut, and then we can help that guy with the bonfire?"

"Jack said you shouldn't be moving about too much" Sayid said clearly

"Yes well, I'm not going to be moving that much, just putting wood on a fire doesn't really require that much movement….." She was stopped from finishing her sentence by the stinging pain in her cheek where Sayid had just dabbed something from a small bottle.

"Bloody Hell Sayid you could have warned me" She said through clenched teeth as that pain slowly subsided.

"Sorry about that, it's Peroxide; Jack said it would do a better job of dealing with infection than water would." Sayid said

"Well he's probably right, but it stings like hell." Alexa replied

"So are you going to let me help with the bonfire then?" She inquired softly; all sarcasm was gone from her voice replaced with subtle determination.

"I don't know….." She cut him off before he could guilt her into not doing anything.

"Please Sayid, I promise I won't move too much"

"Fine, just as long as you're careful"

In truth both parties were pleased with the result Alexa because that meant she actually got to do something, and as an added bonus she got to spend more time with Sayid, and Sayid because he didn't particularly just want to leave her sitting there, and he was also looking forward to spending some more time with her.

"Ok done" He said as he finished cleaning the cut, he took her hand and helped her up. Alexa quickly got her balance and followed Sayid over to where a man she didn't know was unsuccessfully trying to light the fire he had begun to build.

As it turned out the man trying to light the fire was called Charlie, and he was also British, Alexa realised this man must have been who Sawyer was referring to when he said "Another Brit." She and Sayid were quick to help Charlie finish building the fire so that any rescuers would be able to see it, while Sayid explained that it had been him who suggested it in the first place. Alexa saw the logic in Sayid's plan, the bonfire had become so big it could probably been seen from miles away, yet Alexa couldn't help but think maybe the rescuers didn't know where to look? Alexa was consumed in her own thoughts, and was missing the worried looks Sayid was passing her, as she had managed to phase out the rest of the world around her. She was brought back to the land of the living when a bigger man with long curly hair appeared asking if they wanted some food.

"Chicken or fish?" He questioned Alexa Sayid and Charlie

"Erm chicken I guess" replied Charlie. The man looked towards Alexa as he passed a meal to Charlie.

"Oh no thanks I'm not really hungry, but thanks anyway" Alexa replied

"Maybe you should eat something Alexa" Sayid said concerned

"I will just not at the moment" Alexa said still slightly distracted, she had just caught sight of Jack and another woman; they seemed to be talking about the fuselage behind them. She began to head over to them along with Charlie, but a sharp pain in her ribs made her stumble, Sayid was quick to be at her said and arm round her waist supported her.

"Perhaps you should sit down?" Sayid asked, concerned

"Ok probably a good plan" She said slowly "But I want to know what Jack and that woman are talking about, so maybe we could sit close enough for me to eavesdrop?"

Sayid smiled at her admission, but helped her sit closer to where they were talking, Jack caught sight of them and waved his hand in greeting to Sayid and Alexa.

"How are you doing Alexa?" He asked, briefly stopping his discussion with the woman.

"It could be worse" She replied "True it could also be better, but we can't have everything"

The woman smiled slightly at Alexa's answer, before speaking herself

"I don't think we've been introduced I'm Kate."

"Oh hey Kate, nice to meet you" Alexa said "So what you guys planning then?"

It was Jack that answered her question

"I'm going to try and get a look at the front of the plane, further into the jungle."

Charlie looks slightly confused "Why?" he asks

To everyone's surprise it's Alexa that replies from her position on the ground by Sayid

"They want to see if they can find the transceiver and see if they can radio for help…but"

Alexa was cut off by a loud deep howl from within the trees; everyone stopped what they are doing and turned to face the noise, terrified looks were passed amongst the survivors. By unspoken agreement Jack decided to leave his exploring for the moment. Alexa slowly began to lose her battle against sleep; she turned to face Sayid only to find his eyes closed, and his breathing deep. 'Seems like a good idea to me' she thought to herself before falling into a deep and undisturbed sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Once again i own none of the Lost characters etc.

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**Chapter 2 **

_Italics Either dreams, or when Alexa and Sayid speak in Arabic_

_Alexa's dreams_

_A Dark Room with only one window, light comes from a small candle on the sill, a sudden gust of wind blows from the window, the candle light flickers and dies, bathing her in pure darkness._

_FLASH_

_The scene changes to a hospital room in the bright sunlight, too bright to pick out faces._

"_No you can't leave, no matter what remember? No matter what!" the heart monitor that slowly beeps in the background, changes from its steady beep to a long continuous sound._

_FLASH_

_The scene changes again this time to a cemetery in the pouring rain. Grey skies from horizon to horizon, a black clothed figured is seen walking between rows of graves. It stops suddenly; quickly lays down the flowers it held within its hands and then walks away. Alexa strives to see the gravestone as the figure walks on but only one word can be seen clearly: "Beloved"_

_FLASH_

_The scene changes once more this time it's the desert, a village in silence. There is no movement but bodies are littered across the streets. Alexa comes to a halt at a figure on the ground she knows well, she can taste the tears trailing down her cheeks into her mouth, her hand reaches out to the body, but then all she can see is blood….._

Alexa jerked awake, the images of the dream slowly fading, she wiped the sweat off her forehead, before taking in her surroundings. She looked to her left where she remembered Sayid sleeping the night before only to find the space empty. She raised her head and got temporarily blinded by the sun, as she realised that most of the survivors were up and about. Alexa saw a few of the survivors she didn't know congregating around Jack and Kate who once again seemed deep in debate.

Hoping to find out what was going on she picked herself up off the ground and slowly sauntered over to where they stood; wary of knocking her already injured ribs.

Alexa was slightly distracted by the fire she, Charlie and Sayid had so carefully made last night. Now it had been reduced to mere ashes and embers.

A voice broke through her thoughts; one she recognized as Jacks.

"Ok Kate and I are going to search for the transceiver in the front half of the plane" Jack announces. Alexa could see the sense in Jack's plan, but if it was her she would certainly be slightly more cautious of just two people venturing into the jungle with god knows what type of monsters. But then, by the looks of things Jack liked to play the hero.

"Wow that sounds like a great idea, I'll come too" Charlie's voice said to Kate and Jack. Alexa couldn't help but laugh to herself as she caught Kate and Jack's irritated expressions, and Charlie's oblivious innocent one. She walked up to Kate and Jack

"I would offer to come, but I think I'd be more of a hindrance with my ribs, and plus it looks like you have enough volunteers" She said looking pointedly at Charlie. Kate smiled at her before Jack replied:

"Don't worry about it I'm sure we'll be fine, see you when we get back Alexa"

Just as they walked off Alexa shouted to them

"Oh and guys….be careful"

Alexa turned away as the three walked off into the jungle; she used the time to look at her surroundings and at the other survivors. Her surroundings don't really help much, she thought, as she mused over where the plane may have crashed, it would have been logical to assume it was somewhere between the US and Australia, but the fact that they hit turbulence, and may have decided to head back or make a safer landing somewhere else meant that as far as she could see they might be anywhere in the South Pacific.

There seemed to be around 50 survivors in total including Jack, Kate and Charlie, and Alexa realised just how few of them she knew, she had only met about 6 of them after crashing, and she didn't talk to anybody on the plane, although Alexa was pretty sure she was sitting in the row behind the pregnant lady, Claire yes that was her name.

Alexa's deliberations had inadvertently taken her further than she had intended. In truth she needed something to keep her occupied, or her tendency to over analyse things was going to drive her insane. If she was honest with herself, she could really do with a change of clothes, as the colour black was not really the most practical to be wearing on a tropical island, she looked down at her ensemble, a black tank top and black cargo pants, she had only worn them because they seemed to be more appropriate for when they got to LA.

At that thought she looked around wondering about luggage. There had to have been some for the doctor to have got the peroxide and bandages for her injuries along with for others who were hurt. A blonde girl who was a couple of yards down the beach was looking through a pile of suitcases that had been put together. Alexa slowly made her way over to her, hoping to find her own luggage and some clothes that she wouldn't roast in. The blonde young women looked up as Alexa moved nearer, but didn't say anything, as Alexa slowly bent down to avoid agitating her ribs and began to sift through the luggage herself.

"Are you ok?" The women asked, but from the tone of her voice she didn't really care she just wanted something to say to avoid the awkward silence that had been building.

"Well define ok?" Alexa said wryly "I'll be fine if that's what your wondering but broken ribs are pretty uncomfortable."

The girl either didn't understand Alexa's sarcasm or just decided Alexa wasn't worth the effort, as she carried on looking through the luggage. About a minute later a triumphant grin spread across the blondes face as she pulled out a pink suitcase, though how she had not managed to spot the luminous pink in among the myriad of black and brown, Alexa would never know. Then to Alexa's surprise the girl picked up another two bags and began to drag all three over to another man who was sat on the beach. Alexa thinking nothing more of it carried on looking, but she looked as the blonde girl shouted something

"By the way I'm Shannon if you wondered"

"Alexa" Alexa replied simply

Alexa smiled as she pulled out her bag. To be honest compared to most people here she had very little luggage. She carried everything in one bag besides her carry on luggage, and there were countless suitcases here. Still, she thought, a lot must belong to people who didn't make it. Alexa stopped that thought, it was easier for her just to avoid it for the moment rather than deal with the idea of more death, especially if she didn't have to, and suddenly her mind remembered more of her dream. That hadn't been the first time she had had it, but never so strong, and never with all those images in one dream.

She stopped herself from dwelling on it knowing it would get her nowhere, and looked for a change of clothes. She picked out a white short-sleeved shirt, the shirt was linen and should keep her cool in the heat, she had worn it many times in Egypt. She also grabbed a hat hoping to avoid sunstroke and placed it over her dark brown hair. Unfortunately she didn't see anything obvious she could replace her black cargos with, skirts were probably impractical, and she couldn't be bothered to rifle through her bag for shorts. Moving out from where she had been changing she left her luggage on the beach; on the grounds that there was nothing worth stealing even if one of the survivors turned out to be a thief.

She overheard a man with short dark hair telling Shannon that he and some others were going to go through the wreckage and see what they could salvage, she looked and saw that Sayid was among them, and then questioned herself asking why she cared, but before she could finish her thoughts, Sayid had seen her and called her over. She walked slowly over to them, her ribs were feeling much better, and she would probably be able to risk much more movement by the end of the day but she wasn't going to ruin it for the moment by running.

"Alexa how are you feeling?" He questioned

"Much better thanks, my ribs don't feel like I've been hit by a bus anymore" Her dry wit once again evident in her speech. Sayid smiled slightly before replying

"I am glad to hear that would you like to assist us in going through the wreckage as long as you don't hurt your ribs too much?"

"No I'd like to help, I need to have something to do" Alexa replied quickly

In truth the survivors who were helping didn't seem to be very organised, they were just sort of drifting around picking through stuff. However much Alexa may have doubted Jack for wanting to play a hero she realised that these people really did need leading because without someone telling them what to do they were practically useless. She was probably being too judgemental as usual, so she just left them, whilst she and Sayid went through the wreckage bit by bit picking up anything salvageable and then moving on so they avoided doing the same part twice.

Alexa was quite enjoying herself at the moment; she and Sayid had just picked up a steady conversation. It was nothing earth shattering and they were avoiding conversations that they both knew could bring up awkward questions, but it was nice and comfortable. Unfortunately for Alexa her bit of enjoyment wasn't going to last as the arrogant cowboy arrived, in truth she hadn't minded him so much before, even if he did think far too much of himself. But his accusations to say the least were unfair and baseless; he had just chosen to accuse Sayid because he happened to be from Iraq. And as far as Alexa was concerned Sayid had done nothing to deserve this prejudice.

Alexa had left for a couple of minutes to drop off some of the stuff they had found with those who were collecting it, she had been wary of leaving Sawyer and Sayid alone, but she reasoned they were full grown men, and Sayid had so far just ignored Sawyer. She had just begun walking back towards that area when Kate, Jack and Charlie had coming running through the trees all three of them looking terrified. Just about to ask what happened all four of them were startled by shouts from near the wreckage, despite of her injuries; Alexa began to sprint towards Sayid and Sawyer, who with all pretence of courtesy forgotten were brawling and fighting in the sand.

Alexa caught up to the two just as she heard Sawyer say that Sayid had been responsible for the plane crash and that he was a terrorist. Alexa was horrified she couldn't believe Sawyer would say these things, they weren't fair, he hadn't accused anyone else so she knew it was just because Sayid was Arabic. Furious she shouted at Sawyer:

"Sawyer what the hell do you think your doing you can't just go round accusing people of things cause you have a problem with them!" She pushed in between Sawyer and Sayid trying to break them up, but Sawyer who had been turned away, turned to take another swing at Sayid, but instead his fist contacted with Alexa's face, who was completely unprepared for Sawyer's attack.

Sayid swore sharply in Arabic before Alexa turned to him saying:

"_No need for that"_ It wasn't what she said that startled Sayid it was that she had just said it in Arabic; meaning she had obviously understood his exclamation from before.

Everyone stopped shouting as they saw Sawyer punch Alexa in the face and then the Arabic exchange between her and Sayid wondering what she was going to do. Very few of them actually knew much about Alexa, but they were expecting her to scream or cry out, and what she did do was pretty much unexpected by all of them. All of them, that is apart from Sayid who had seen the fury in her eyes, and also noticed some things about Alexa very few other people had. Instead she just wiped some of the blood from her nose quickly before swiping at Sawyer back. He wasn't expecting her to punch him back so he just stood shocked, as she turned away from him and walked away eyes blazing as one hand reached to her nose to try and stop the blood flow.

Back to where Sawyer and Sayid stood both shocked from Alexa's display, Jack and Kate quickly diffused the situation sending people away, but not before Kate questioned:

"Does anyone know anything about electronics; we need somebody who can fix the transceiver we found on the plane."

Sayid; furious eyes on Sawyer was just about to go check on Alexa when he heard Kate's question.

"I can" He answered shortly "I will take a look, but there is something I must deal with first." Nobody questioned Sayid as they all knew where he was going; Jack passed him a cloth before saying

"Once you guys are done talking will you get her to come see me I need to check if her nose is broken?"

Sayid nodded at Jack, and then turned in the direction in which Alexa had headed. He saw her sat further down the beach, head down trying to stop her nose from bleeding. He headed over to where she sat, thinking about what had just happened, he was angry at Sawyer, very angry, Sawyer had had no right to accuse him like he did. Yet most of his thoughts were consumed by the young women he was heading towards now, how did she learn to speak Arabic? Why did she defend him against Sawyer? How did she learn to punch like that? Why does she care?

He carried his questions till he reached Alexa, in which he wordlessly sat down and passed Alexa the cloth Jack had given him, she reached out and took it from him, holding it to her face before turning to Sayid, her face was carefully unemotional, expectant and waiting for him to speak. But now he was here Sayid was really at a loss for things to say. But she beat him to it:

"I'm sorry" She said sadly, of all the things she could have said he wasn't expecting that, what on earth was she apologising for, before he could ask she carried on. "I shouldn't have got involved, it's just Sawyer was being so unfair and I hated seeing him treat you that way, but I'm sorry if your angry"

"I'm not angry with you Alexa" Sayid said

"You're not?" This was a surprise to Alexa; she was used to people shouting when she did something stupidly heroic like that.

"No of course not, you stood up for me when you didn't have to, although clearly you paid the price for it" He said indicating Alexa's nose, in truth Sayid was feeling guilty that punch had been meant for him, and true he hadn't asked her to get involved but if there roles were reversed he knew he would have stuck up for her. Alexa picked up on his guilt:

"It's my own fault I got hurt, I shouldn't have got in the way, Sawyer didn't mean to hurt me, I should probably apologise for punching him back to be honest, as this was an accident whereas mine was deliberate" But Alexa couldn't keep the grin off her face remembering the arrogant cowboy's shocked expression when she had smacked him. Apparently Sayid shared her sentiments as she looked up to see him smiling in the same way. He carried on with what he was saying before:

"No I'm not angry, I'm just surprised, and where did you learn to speak Arabic?"

"Oh that" Alexa said sheepishly, "I spent about 5 years in Egypt in the military, I had to learn Arabic as nobody else spoke English, I know that it is different to the Arabic they speak in Iraq but the fundamentals are the same and I can easily understand what you say."

"_I'm glad you can" _Sayid replied in Arabic _"It's nice to have someone to talk to"_

Alexa smiled at him but before she could say anything Sayid stood up offering her his hand, which she gratefully took. Reverting back to English Sayid spoke again:

"I promised Jack I would tell you to go see him about your nose, and I need to go look at this transceiver of Kate's"

"Ok I'll go see Jack, but would you mind if I gave you hand with the transceiver? I know a little about electronics." Alexa asked timidly, not a tone of voice she often used.

"Ok you go see Jack and meet me back by the wreckage" Sayid replied as he began to walk off to get the transceiver from Kate.

"Ok but I may be a little longer I should probably speak to Sawyer" Her voice betrayed her obvious dislike for the task she had set herself.

They both walked off in different directions Alexa caught sight of Jack, so she slowly made her way over to him. Her nose had stopped bleeding by now, but from the amount of blood on the cloth, it looked to have been pretty bad. Alexa cringed, she knew her nose was going to be bruised in the morning and would most likely hurt like hell, she could only hope that it wasn't broken or out of place.

"Hey Alexa how's your nose?" Jack asked kindly

"Hurts" She said simply

"Yes I kind of guessed as much" Jack said with a slightly bemused expression "Let's check if it's broken." So Alexa sat down whilst Jack carefully looked at her nose, the fact that it didn't hurt as much as she would have expected if it was broken gave her some hope that it wasn't. Her suspicions were confirmed when Jack said:

"Ok it's not broken, but it'll bruise, normally I would give you some ice for it to bring down the swelling, but I doubt I'm gonna be able to get any"

"Understandable, I don't think they have freezers on deserted islands" She laughed. "Can I go now then, it's just I said I'd give Sayid a hand with the transceiver, and I should probably go find Sawyer and apologise"

Jack also caught her obvious distaste at having to talk to the arrogant cowboy never mind apologising to him. As he smiled slightly at her:

"Ok just be careful I don't want to see you back here with anymore injuries, and neither do I want to see Sawyer with another black eye, however much we might wish it" He joked with her. She smiled slightly but her mood was easily dimmed by the thought of apologising, she never did like saying sorry, and to tell the truth she still thought Sawyer deserved everything he got including a black eye.

She caught sight of the place Sawyer seemed to have set up camp. He looked to be sulking, but maybe that was just Alexa's point of view. She grudgingly walked over to him and didn't even bother saying hello, before she went straight down to business:

"Ok look Sawyer I'm sorry I punched you, whatever my personal feelings towards the situation I shouldn't have allowed my anger to control my decisions, so I apologise for my bad conduct" Moral duty done, Alexa turned ready to walk away but was stopped by Sawyer's voice:

"That was a lot of long words, you didn't need to waste them on me, just sorry woulda done fine" his disdainful tone didn't really help Alexa's mood

"Well I apologise if my advanced vocabulary is too much for you to cope with, but you're not the one with a nearly broken nose" she retorted quickly

"Oh come on you know that was an accident Lex, I was aiming for the Arab." His voice sounded sincere to Alexa, but she didn't really care.

"Pretty poor aim then and his name is Sayid" She replied icily

She walked off, ignoring anymore of Sawyer's comments and made her way over to the wreckage towards where Sayid was working, he was talking to the larger man who was giving out food last night; Alexa caught his name as being Hurley. Alexa didn't catch all of the conversation but she deduced that Sayid was telling Hurley that he fought in the Gulf War, but she distinctly heard "The Republican Guard". Storing that information for when she might need it, she coughed, basically announcing her presence to the two men who had beforehand been pretty much oblivious.

"Hey Alexa, you ready to work on this?" Sayid questioned as they both looked at the transceiver. Sayid set to work with Alexa assisting him, he sent her off on errands to look for things that could help to fix it, and luckily Alexa understood the terms he was using, as her basic knowledge was enough to get her by.

"Ok I think I have it" Sayid said pleased as he looked at Alexa, they both looked at the transceiver before Sayid tried to get it work they both clearly saw it was working, but there was no signal.

"We'd need to get to higher ground to get a better signal" Sayid said exasperatedly. Alexa raised an eyebrow at him before looking pointedly at the mountain behind them.

"Of course we climb the mountain we might get a better signal up there" Sayid said.

Alexa resisted the urge to sigh and say "About time", and Sayid rushed off to tell Kate his idea.

Alexa not wanting to be left behind grabbed the bag she used for hand luggage, and emptied anything she wouldn't need into her ordinary bag. She grabbed a couple of bottles of water knowing no one would think to bring them, along with some bandages her Swiss army knife, and a black package that was buried at the bottom of her luggage. Swinging her bag over her shoulder she headed to where the group were getting together to trek up the mountain. Kate looked over at Alexa as she arrived:

"Are you sure you should be coming especially with broken ribs an all?" Kate asked concerned. However concerned Kate was, it just annoyed Alexa, yes she could cope, if she couldn't she wouldn't have even volunteered, she knew her own limits. She didn't say any of this to Kate, instead just forcing out:

"No don't worry I'll be fine, my ribs hardly hurt anymore." Kate looked doubtful but didn't force the issue, as Shannon and the man with dark hair, she found out later was called Boone made their way over.

"We're coming too" Shannon announced. Alexa could hardly contain her laughter; this was the girl who had spent all of this morning on the beach in a bikini trying to get a tan. By the looks of things Boone had caught her smirk, as he gave her a rather hurt look. Alexa just shrugged it off, she couldn't help herself.

"Come on then lets go", Kate said addressing the group. Just as they were ready to head off Sawyer and Charlie ran up.

"You could have waited for us" Sawyer said indignantly.

"Like we knew you were coming" Alexa replied. Kate just rolled her eyes, before setting off into the jungle everyone else following behind.

The hike itself seemed pretty much uneventful, Charlie talked too much, Shannon complained too much, and Sawyer couldn't help but make some comment at everything. 'He's worse than me' Alexa thought to herself. Kate seemed to be just ignoring everybody as her and Sayid led the group further towards the mountain.

The atmosphere was pretty tense between Sayid, Sawyer and herself; and she didn't miss the supposedly "discreet" glances that Boone kept throwing her and then Sawyer. Finding herself close to the back Alexa couldn't help but overhear Shannon and Boone's conversation:

"Who does she think she is, being so bossy" At first Alexa thought they were talking about Kate it wasn't until Shannon's next comment that Alexa realised they were talking about her "She's always so sarcastic and negative, it's like she's going to get a prize for criticizing people." Alexa wondered if Shannon realised she could hear her, if she did it was a pretty underhanded way of telling Alexa she basically couldn't stand her. Alexa really wanted to comment on this to Shannon but stopped herself. Maybe Shannon was right, she could be pretty callous sometimes, that didn't mean Alexa wasn't hurt. So instead she just pushed ahead of Shannon and Boone, making her way to the front nearer Sawyer, Sayid and Kate.

The hike proceeded until it seemed that the jungle itself had changed, there was more open space here, and less trees. The tension between Sawyer and Sayid had just escalated, and was now getting to the point where Alexa was pretty sure they were going to get into another fight. Sawyer's voice rang through the jungle as he shouted at Sayid, everyone had stopped by now, but no-one was getting involved in their fight, Alexa held back; she wasn't going to get involved this time. But it seemed like they had bigger problems directly in front of where Sawyer was stood, there came a deep growl, and the trees began to shake.

"What do we do?" Charlie shouted clearly terrified

"Running would be a good idea!" Alexa shouted back. Everyone but Sawyer heeded her advice as a huge white mass erupted from within the trees. Sawyer pulled a gun and began shooting wildly at it; it dropped dead at his feet just before it reached him. Everyone stopped their running and turned to Sawyer and the dead beast at his feet.

"But that is impossible" Sayid exclaimed

"That can't be right" Kate said at the same time.

"Well the evidence is right in front of you" Sawyer said nudging the thing with its toe.

The grouped were all baffled as they crowded round the dead bear; the dead polar bear.

It seemed that most of the group weren't dwelling on the polar bear, instead choosing to question on Sawyer on how he got the gun in the first place. Alexa, however, wasn't listening; she was still astounded by their earlier visitor. It just wasn't possible; a polar bear on a tropical Island. It was nowhere near cold enough for them. The climate, the food, the geographical position everything was against this being real, but the evidence was in front her, and Alexa could come up with no explanation.

Alexa turned her attention back to the group conversation it seemed that Sawyer had got the gun off some dead Marshall from the plane, this caused more questions as that meant there was a criminal on the plane. Of course this set off more arguments as Sawyer accused Sayid, Kate once again took hold of the situation. 'Is there anything she can't do?' Alexa asked herself.

"Ok Guys I'm going to split the gun up" She quickly took the cartridge from the gun, passing it back to Sawyer, and then gave the cartridge to Sayid. Alexa understood what she had done; these were two who were least likely to be able to get the other part of the gun from the other. Shannon apparently didn't understand, as she questioned Kate on her decision. But Alexa had had enough:

"For God's sake Shannon shut up will you, just because you don't have enough intelligence to work out why Kate made a concise logical decision doesn't mean that she is wrong." Alexa instantly regretted what she had just said; she didn't need to alienate herself with this girl anymore than she already had; now Shannon rounded on Alexa.

"Well so sorry if were not good enough for you, you're always looking down your nose at people you know that? Like your better than them, when you really _really_ aren't! You have absolutely no qualities that make you better than anyone else here so stop acting so superior!" Shannon shouted at Alexa. Part of Alexa knew Shannon was right, but part of her was too annoyed to care so instead she just shouted straight back at Shannon:

"I don't act superior, just because I'm the only person with any real perspective round here, I'm the only one who sees what's likely to happen. You know what Shannon you can just sit on the beach and get a bloody tan and wait to be rescued while the rest of us live in the real world, where we are on a desert island with god knows what ready to kill us, so don't coming running to me when you realise I'm right. Just because you choose to ignore what is right in front of you, and act like a spoiled five year old you can't expect the rest of us to put up with your brainless attitude!" Part of Alexa had been screaming at her to shut up ;that she was being unfair and down right nasty, but she couldn't stop herself, she watched horrified as Shannon's eyes filled with tears before she dashed off into the surrounding jungle.

"Oh bloody hell, I can't do anything right can I?" It was a rhetorical question and everyone knew it, Alexa already felt terrible for saying what she just had to Shannon she had been in the wrong and she knew it. Shannon was right in what she said Alexa had been looking down her nose at people, and Alexa knew that Shannon was right when she talked about her negativity. There was a chance that they were going to get rescued and all she was doing was destroying people's morale, but Alexa's pride had got in the way once again and hurting someone with it.

She turned to look at the people round her, Boone had tried to go after Shannon after getting over the shock but Kate had stopped him saying it was bad enough that one of them is out there alone, she didn't need another one, plus it was likely Shannon had made for high ground like they planned so they would catch up to her. Boone looked furious at Kate but realised she was right and took his anger out on Alexa instead.

"You don't know what could happen to her out there! You were right about one thing, we don't know what monsters there are out there, and now she's out there all alone. You couldn't just keep your mouth shut could you? You had to go and hurt her? Well I hope you're happy, at least you got one up on her now; that's what you wanted; isn't it? To feel superior? You know what? Shannon was right you really are a bitch." Once Boone was done Alexa could see how worried he was for Shannon's safety, but his words hit close to her heart. And she was angry with herself "They're right both Shannon and Boone, they're both right, how many people are you going to hurt before you admit when your wrong. How many times do you have to make this mistake before you learn, you really are a cold heartless bitch." The little pride and self-dignity Alexa had left stopped her from breaking down and crying right there. Sayid wouldn't meet her eyes and even Sawyer was avoiding conversation with her. "I'm so stupid, why can't I do something right for once" Alexa asked herself.

Soon after Boone's revelation, Kate got the group moving again, hoping they would catch up to Shannon before she got hurt, they headed for high ground again. Alexa found herself wallowing in self-misery and hatred; no one was talking to her or keeping eye contact although she saw Boone's disgusted looks in her direction. She just let them wash over her, nothing could hurt her more than what he had already said, and it was so hard to admit when she was wrong, especially to herself. They arrived near the top of the mountain, and to Alexa's relief Shannon was there; face turned out watching the view. She didn't approach not wanting to make things worse, but Boone ran up and hugged her, which she returned, the feelings of guilt quickly returned, but Alexa pushed them down, now was not the time they had a job to do.

"I have it!" Sayid exclaimed "I have a signal." Alexa rushed over to where he was stood only to see the frown on his face.

"What's wrong?" She questioned quickly.

"I can't transmit anything." Before Alexa could even asked why he answered the question "There is something already transmitting"

Alexa leaned closer so she could hear for herself; a woman's voice could be heard on the transceiver. But Alexa couldn't understand what was being said, the woman was speaking in French, Alexa neither spoke nor understood any French, but she caught the clear panic and distress in the woman's voice; this could not be good.

"Can anyone speak French?" Sayid asked. Everyone shook there head except for Boone who was looking at Shannon, she seemed to cave under his look.

"I can" she answered timidly "But it's not perfect." It didn't matter if it was perfect if she could understand what this woman was saying maybe they would get a deeper understanding of what was going on here. Shannon listened to the message a couple of times before turning to the others with a terrified look on her face:

"What did it say Shan?" Boone prompted.

"She said 'Help! Please help! They're dead! They're all dead! It killed them all!"

Everyone stared at Shannon in horror except for Alexa who was staring at the transceiver with confusion, a looked of clarity passed over her face, but was quickly replaced by dismay.

"Guys, this is bad…" she started but Sawyer interrupted

"I could of told you that Lex I thought you were smart" he mocked. Alexa wanted to say something back to Sawyer but she had done enough damage whether she thought Sawyer could cope or not, and plus what she had to say was more important.

"That's not all Sawyer, that transceiver…that message it's been playing for 16 years"

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Please R & R if you have time


	3. Chapter 3

**AN**

Ok thanks again to my amazing Beta, without whom my story would not even get posted. Thanks to all of you who read the previous two chapters please tell me what you think because i'm just assuming you all hate this story otherwise. Anyway please read and review, hope you enjoy

Disclaimer: Once again I own none of the characters, plotlines or quotes you might recognize from the TV show "Lost".

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**Chapter 3 **

The group made their way back down the mountain from which they had come. The tension was still thick in the group, but Shannon's return had lessened it somewhat. Alexa decided to keep quiet and she stuck towards the back of the group, her guilt was still prominent and she tried hard to think of something to make it up to Shannon. Meanwhile it had been getting dark as Alexa mused and although she hadn't noticed, the others had, and they had stopped. Not concentrating on where she was going Alexa walked straight into Sawyer, falling backwards herself and nearly knocking Sawyer over. As she hit the ground her ribs bashed painfully, and she grimaced in pain, Sawyer noticed and helped her up whilst asking:

"Are you ok?" Alexa wondered if his concern was genuine, she could never tell with Sawyer, but he seemed to have forgotten the escapade with her and Shannon, so she was willing to take what he said at face value.

"Yes I'm fine, just knocked my ribs a bit when I fell, I should have been watching where I was going." Alexa was in a slightly brighter mood as it seemed at least someone was willing to talk to her.

"Damn right you should have been, I could have been hurt" he said viciously

Or maybe he wasn't ready to forgive; she had caught his underlying meaning when he said he could have been hurt. She still thought Sawyer was being unfair though, it was an accident and it's not like he hadn't insulted Sayid by calling him a terrorist. On the other hand she really didn't deserve his forgiveness; she hadn't done anything to help anyone so far; she was just being selfish and self-pitying. Then Boone's words came back to her: "You really are a bitch", at the moment what Alexa wanted most was to sit down and cry at her own stupidity and uselessness. She knew that it was pathetic and it certainly wouldn't get her anywhere, so instead she volunteered to have first watch for the night, as they stopped for rest.

Being alone in the jungle was not as much fun as it sounded, true she wasn't really alone but she doubted that the 6 exhausted sleepers behind her would be much help were they attacked. So she stood and kept guard, she couldn't really know how long she had stood there; Sayid told her to wake Shannon after what she thought was a couple of hours, and then Shannon would wake Sayid. But after standing out here for what she deemed to be two hours Alexa couldn't bring herself to wake the sleeping girl. What right did she have to wake her? Instead she decided she would fill Shannon's watch, she doubted sleep would come easily tonight anyway.

Considering the monsters she knew the jungle contained, it was pretty much silent; no noises of animals disturbed their camp only the faint sound of the sea a few miles away could be heard, and it was so distant you had to be listening for it. When another couple of hours had passed Alexa had passed the point of feeling like she was about to drop off, and only the thought of the others reactions kept her awake. But she was now out the other side, the point where she was no longer tired, although she realised she would feel the consequences tomorrow. She knew she should really wake Sayid, but once again she couldn't bring herself to do it, luckily for her Sayid chose that time to open his eyes.

"Alexa what are you doing up?" he asked confused "It should be Shannon's watch"

"I couldn't bring myself to wake her, I thought maybe she needed the sleep" Alexa admitted

"That was dangerous Alexa what if you had fallen asleep" Sayid said sternly

"I know, I know, guess I just wanted to do something nice for once, plus I don't sleep much anymore anyway", Sayid looked at her, truly looked at her for the first time since yesterday, and Alexa found she was glad he did even though she thought he might see all the guilt, all the doubt, and all the wrong she had done. But he just looked and obviously caught the sincerity of what she had done

"That was a nice thing you did for Shannon." He said quietly, he looked down at the sleeping blonde, and Alexa saw the fondness and warmth that flashed in his eyes, and to her surprise it wasn't jealousy she felt; just sadness, her heart was filled with sadness. She smiled slightly at Sayid but the smile didn't reach her eyes, before she went and lay down near the others. Knowing sleep would not come she lay in the darkness and watched Sayid: he seemed lost in thought or memory.

She didn't want to think on what had just passed between Sayid and the sleeping girl; that would mean admitting things she didn't think she was ready to admit. She looked across at the blonde, and envied her. She had a brother who cared for her, and she truly believed everything would be ok, maybe that was what drew Sayid, because although she saw in Shannon some shadow of a past that haunted her, she also saw the same warmth and light that at times she saw in Sayid. Once again Alexa found herself doubting herself, doubting that everything would be ok, ever again. Her pride refused to allow her to cry so she just lay there, eventually succumbing to the darkness, a darkness filled with guilt, sadness, and longing for that which she could never have.

Alexa woke to the sunlight feeling empty, she didn't remember much of what she had thought last night, and if this feeling was the result then she was glad. She looked up to see Kate on watch and everyone else still asleep, she got up and walked over to Kate. Kate looked up noticing who it was she looked back down. Alexa resisted the urge to sigh she deserved this she knew it, but she had to at least try to talk to Kate otherwise she would get nowhere.

"We need to wake the others, so we can head back to camp" she said flatly.

Kate looked at her before replying

"I'll wake them" Kate said shortly.

"Kate wait." She grabbed one of the bottles of water from her bag and passed it to Kate. Kate nodded her thanks before drinking, passing it back to Alexa and heading over to wake the others. The others were woken one by one, and Alexa passed them the battle so they could have a drink. The first was quickly finished and she grabbed the second, she doubted there would be enough for all 7 of them, but she just shrugged it off as she handed the bottle to Charlie who smiled and drank. Alexa looked at the remaining water; enough for once person, only herself and Shannon had yet to drink. The decision was an easy one she walked over to Shannon and gave her the remaining water, pleased that Shannon looked well rested; at least she had done something good.

Alexa knew now would be a good time to say she was sorry so she just decided to say it:

"Shannon look I'm really sorry about yesterday, I should never have said those things, you didn't deserve any of them especially because you were right about everything. I'm really sorry I didn't mean to hurt you; I know that's no excuse, but I guess I'm just sorry, I don't know what else to say" she finished lamely

Shannon looked thoughtful for a moment before sticking out her hand for Alexa to shake, Alexa assuming this was all she was going to get took it, smiled and then turned to walk away.

"Alexa wait, I'm sorry too, maybe you'd like to walk with me today? Well me and Boone I mean." Alexa was surprised but very pleased with Shannon's request, she looked over at Boone, but saw he didn't look happy about Shannon's offer in fact he looked positively fuming.

"I'd love to Shannon, but I don't think Boone would be too happy with my company, thanks for the offer maybe another time?" Alexa said unhappily.

She didn't want another argument today, and she doubted whether Boone would ever let her forget her mistakes. It was easier just to avoid him. Alexa would have liked to walk with Shannon, however different they were, it would have been interesting, a different perspective on everything. Instead Alexa found herself once again walking towards the back of the group with only Sawyer for company. It seemed Sawyer was the only person more hated than she was. This didn't make Alexa feel any better however, because it seemed Sawyer could not forgive his own faults when they appeared in others.

"I heard your apology to Shannon" Sawyer said.

"Good for you" Alexa had lost some of her passion for the sarcastic emphasis she normally put on everything, so her reply just sounded dull and flat, Alexa could hardly believe this was her speaking.

"Pretty pathetic if you ask me" Sayid said his smirk growing

"Good job I didn't ask you then isn't it" Alexa said as she gritted her teeth

"Yer well all those long words you use and the best you can come up with is 'I'm so sorry'" he said moving his voice up an octave in an impression of her. Alexa really wanted to say something; she really wanted to tell Sawyer that he thought he was so good, when in truth he wasn't. That he thought he was so much better than she was, when in fact they were the same in more ways than one. But instead she just carried on walking, she refused to make the same mistake again, she didn't need to express her opinion of him that is until:

"Saw her and the Arab getting pretty cosy, not interested in you anymore is he Lex?" he taunted "I can see why though" he said disdainfully, looking her over. Alexa didn't know what to do, part of her wanted to run, to run from his words because they hurt, because they dug too deep, they hit too close. The other part of her wanted to shout to scream and ask him what did he know. Who gave him permission to judge her? What gave him the right to say these things? Like with Shannon the side she didn't like won out, luckily she kept it in check and her voice was no more than a low whisper:

"I never asked for your opinion. And if I ever do you can be in no doubt that you are dreaming, because I will never _ever_ ask you for anything. You have no right to judge me, and I don't give the slightest damn what you think about me, so keep your comments to yourself, and leave me the damn hell alone."

Alexa walked faster and away from Sawyer, a little voice in her head kept taunting her 'Running away from your problems again aren't you Alexa? when are you going to stand and face them Alexa? When?' Alexa just ignored it, she refused to deal with this now. It was not the time.

Last night the group had decided not to tell the others about the French transmission on the grounds that they needed to preserve hope. Alexa had wanted to protest thinking that people deserved to know the truth, but she wisely kept her mouth shut, knowing what people would say if she made her opinion clear.

Although Alexa hadn't known it, she found out that Boone had taken it upon himself to divest Sayid and Sawyer of their parts of the gun, saying he didn't trust them. This certainly hadn't boosted Alexa's estimation of Boone, but Kate now had the gun, everyone had agreed that she was trustworthy enough to keep it.

The party made their way through the last stretch of the jungle in silence and arrived back at the beach. Alexa looked up as Kate walked over to Jack and pulled him aside, 'None of my business' she thought. She knew that she had made things right with Shannon and probably Sayid and Kate, but the others who were with them still shot her wary looks. Alexa ignored them, and a cry from the medical tent startled her. She wanted to know what was going on, but had no idea who to ask, Jack looked too busy. Instead she walked over to Hurley who was looking scared as Jack rushed back to the tent.

"What's going on in there?" She questioned

"It's the guy, the marshal from the plane, he was injured and Jack operated but they don't think he is going to last."

"Antibiotics?" she asked

"There aren't any, that's what Jack is looking for, but he's going into the fuselage, with the…the… dead bodies and stuff." Hurley said nervously.

Alexa resisted the sudden urge to laugh, she understood Hurley's concern, but like he said these people were dead, she doubted that they cared. She knew maybe it was disrespectful, but another man's life was on the line. Wasn't it worth it?

She watched as Hurley walked away, back to the infirmary tent where Kate was stood outside. She heard laughter from further up the beach and turning to look she saw Charlie and Claire talking. Claire was laughing at something Charlie had said. She smiled slightly at the exchange, but the smile quickly faded as she caught sight of Sayid. Oh well at least it seemed like they were still friends, even if they hadn't talked in a while. It seemed there was little Alexa could do, so instead she drank a little water from the stash that had been collected and then walked further down the beach, standing alone looking out towards the ocean.

Alexa thoughts strayed back to home and back to England. She had never thought she would miss it, never thought she would miss the rain or the grey skies, or the people with nothing to talk about but the weather. She hadn't been back there in years; there were the years in Egypt and then the time in Australia, and then she had been planning on going to the US. She wondered now what her parents would be doing, and regretted not calling them when she had the chance. She remembered thinking she would call them when she reached LA send them a postcard and everything. You can't change what's already past she reminded herself, but she couldn't stop wishing you could, wishing she could go back, take back the years she had wasted, change her mistakes. She tried to stop herself from thinking it, but there was so much she should have done. Luckily a voice interrupted her desolate thoughts. Unluckily it wasn't a voice she was fond of hearing.

"Hey there Lex, you do know it'll still be there if you turn away right? It'll still be the ocean tomorrow and the next day?" Sawyer said. His voice wasn't laced with the mocking it usually held, and instead of Alexa's normal smart remarks she answered with something sincere.

"Do you ever want to change the past? You know go back and do things differently?" She questioned. Sawyer looked surprised, but he answered her anyway

"Well yer, but everyone wishes they could change something, we all have regrets Lex."

"Even you?" She questioned with a smirk

"Even me" Alexa didn't miss the hint of melancholy in his voice before he finished his sentence "Look Lex, what I said earlier, I was wrong." He finished sincerely. Lex looked up at him surprised at his apology even if he hadn't actually said "Sorry", but part of her disagreed; what he said hadn't been a lie, it was the truth, but nevertheless she answered with a smile.

"That's as close to an apology I'm going to get with you isn't it? But thanks Sawyer."

Sawyer shrugged off her gratitude and walked away. She was right he never apologised, but he had seen the look in her eyes when he had insulted her, and he had felt guilty. Guilty because she took everything he said to heart, however much she might deny it. People's words hurt her, and she believed every insult thrown at her. He risked a glance back at her only to see she was back to looking at the ocean. He wondered why he bothered with her, she wasn't like freckles, maybe it was that she saw something no-one else had seen within him. That she actually tried to hold conversations with him. Sticks had been right in one respect she didn't see the good, but only within herself, she saw the good in others.

Alexa didn't know how long she had stood, but to her surprise her conversation with Sawyer had lifted her spirits slightly, and she turned back towards the camp wearing a small smile. The closer she got to the group the easier it was to hear the marshal's screams, he was dying, that was clear, she walked over to Sayid and Jack who were stood outside.

"Is there nothing you can do?" Sayid questioned

"I'm doing all I can Sayid, but he's dying I don't know if I can save him" Jack replied. Alexa interrupted both men with a question of her own:

"Did you find any antibiotics? Hurley told me you were going to look." Jack looked at her before replying:

"I didn't find anything much of use, plus I think Sawyer will have taken anything salvageable."

"What?" Both Sayid an Alexa questioned at the same time "He went through the belongings of the dead didn't he?" Sayid finished, and Jack nodded. Alexa was slightly stunned, she knew this was what Sawyer was like, but it still surprised her. She couldn't link this Sawyer to the man with whom she had held civil conversations. Then her mind took her back to the insults of the day before, not something Alexa relished thinking about, especially with Sayid around.

In truth she knew Sawyer was being selfish, but maybe he was right, those people were dead, they had no use for anything now. It was disrespectful true, but no-one knew how long it would be before they got rescued, and that possibility seemed to be drifting further and further away. Sawyer's logic wasn't so flawed in Alexa's mind.

Jack had already gone when Alexa started paying more attention, leaving just her and Sayid. Being in the company of the other was becoming increasingly awkward ever since the incident with Shannon. Alexa was just contemplating leaving when Sayid spoke.

"I never got to thank you; for helping me with the transceiver" Alexa surmised that Sayid didn't know what else to say but she replied anyway

"Oh that's ok, I didn't mind it gave me something to do, stopped me dwelling, on you know depressing stuff." Sayid smiled slightly.

"Depressing stuff hmm, seems to come natural to you." He said. Although his tone was light, Alexa caught a hint of something more serious in his statement, so she answered in the same tone

"I'm a born cynic, just can't help myself I guess." Alexa started. She knew Sayid wanted more, but there was very little she wanted to tell him. "I know it bothers people, it's just part of who I am." Sayid looked thoughtful for a second, and Alexa couldn't help but cross her fingers hoping that he understood.

"We all have faults Alexa, people get used to them." Sayid said kindly, and Alexa couldn't help but feel happier inside, she was glad that her negativity obviously wasn't a big problem with him.

"Nice to know Sayid, but not everybody is as forgiving as you." Alexa said; and to Sayid it seemed like maybe her voice spoke from experience, and his mind remembered the incident with Boone, and the way he still looked her, even the way he still talked about her when she was out of earshot. But he knew what she said was true, some people could never forgive, but it was much harder to forgive yourself, and from the look of things Alexa had never managed that.

The screams of the dying man had only got louder as Sayid and Alexa had spoken, and unknown to them both was the conflict between Kate and the man. As both Sayid and Alexa looked around they realised that the man's screams had affected everybody. Nobody was sleeping and they all looked on edge, the lighter atmosphere of earlier in the day when Alexa had observed Charlie and Claire had gone. The screams continued and Alexa didn't even bother trying to continue her conversation, but as a loud BANG came from the tent making everyone jump, they shared a look, and both held a slight insight into what they believed had happened. Sawyer walked from the infirmary tent straight into Jack, and you didn't have to be in the close vicinity as Alexa was to hear what they were saying.

"What did you do!" Jack shouted as he looked into the tent.

"I did what had to be done!" Sawyer shouted back "What you couldn't do" Sawyer said as he pointed a finger at Jack, Jack's face was a mixture of horror and anger as the marshals screams began once again.

"Oh no….he isn't dead, Sawyer shot him and he isn't dead" Alexa said quietly, but Sayid had heard her.

"Maybe Sawyer missed" Sayid trying to reassure her

"We both know that isn't true, he probably missed the main organs, but that means this man is going to die slowly of blood loss…" Her face turned to Sayid, and he saw the knowledge of what would happen "That's a horrible way to die Sayid, the man….he's going to be in so much pain." Sayid gently squeezed Alexa's hand as he realised that she knew enough about injuries to know what sort of death this would be for the man.

They both looked at the tent as the man's screams stopped, and Jack stepped out. He walked past Sawyer without a word. Alexa realised that the marshal was dead, that Jack had done what Sawyer could not; that Jack had ended what would have inevitably been a slow and painful death, and given this man peace. Alexa felt a new respect for Jack, he had made a decision that was in the end better for the man, but now he would have to live with what he had done and Alexa hoped that Jack could cope with the guilt, even knowing what he had done was right. An unwanted image arose in Alexa's mind, the image of a bright hospital room, and the sound of a beating heart monitor, and Alexa was back, back to the place of her dream:

_Sunlight streamed through the window so bright, too bright, it made the face in the bed indistinguishable, the steady beat of the heart monitor provided background noise as she heard muffled voices come from herself and then the figure in the bed. As if she was moving closer the voices got clearer_

"_Stop talking like this….this isn't goodbye." The voice from the bed was badly messed up almost like the white noise sound from her TV, when it wasn't tuned in; this meant Alexa had no idea what the figure was saying._

"_You're not going anywhere; you're going to get better." The reply was even fainter this time as if the figure in the bed had got weaker_

"_No you can't leave, no matter what remember? No matter what!" the heart monitor that slowly beeps in the background, changes from its steady beep to a long continuous sound._

"_Oh no please no…..."_

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**Ok come on guys please R&R**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN**

Ok hey guys, please if your reading this, please please leave a review and tell me what you think. I know some of you probably don't want or like to, but i would be so grateful if you did. This chapter is a bit slow compared to others, but it will pick a lot in the next few. Thanks a lot once again to my great beta, who keeps convincing me to put these chapters up and is so much help to the story.

Disclaimer: As alwaysI don't own any of the Lost characters, quotes or plotlines you may recognize from the show.

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**Chapter 4**

Once again Alexa was jerked violently from sleep but this time, it was not her dreams that caused the premature awakening but the insistent barking of a dog. Alexa looked around realising that the dog's barking had not only awoken her but pretty much the entire camp. She looked over at the golden Labrador as it barked loudly at the fuselage slightly further from camp.

Listening carefully, Alexa picked up some other noise underneath that of the dog, a rustling from inside the wreckage, almost as if something was moving around inside. She realised she wasn't the only one to have heard it either; as she made her way to where Jack and a few others had moved closer.

"Maybe we should go in and check what it is?" Jack suggested

"After you Jackass" Sawyer said, and Alexa resisted the urge to roll her eyes. He really could come up with something for every situation. Jack picked up a flashlight and hesitantly switched it on and shined it in the direction of the fuselage. Two glowing eyes stared back out at them, and Alexa couldn't avoid shivering as chills ran up her spine.

Suddenly three beasts erupted from within the wreckage squealing, they tore through the camp, causing screams to come from many survivors. Alexa had nearly jumped out of her skin as the things came from within the wreckage, but she was relatively calm as they made there way back into the jungle. She stared at where they had been pondering what kind of beasts they were.

"Boars, Wild Boars" The answer to Alexa's unspoken question had come from an older balding man, standing to her left. She recalled his name being Locke, although like Sawyer she wondered if this was his first name or not. Alexa's next question would have been; what were they doing here? She had worked it out seconds before Locke said it

"They're attracted to the dead bodies within the wreckage." Alexa said quietly, and Locke nodded at her. The bodies had been in the wreckage four days now in the hot sun, they were perfect targets for scavengers of many varieties. Something would have been done with them, if not for the fact that these beasts could be a danger to those left alive, and they didn't want to attract them. It was out of respect for the dead, Alexa doubted those people would have wanted to be left as carrion for the scavengers. It seemed Alexa wasn't the only one to have these thoughts as Locke spoke what she had been thinking:

"Something has to be done with the bodies; we can't just leave them in there any longer."

"Bury them" Someone Alexa was not sure who suggested.

"Probably not a good idea." Alexa said "We have no guarantee as to how long they would stay buried." Jack looked thoughtful for a minute before taking charge and once again making the decision.

"We're going to have to burn them." He said simply.

That decision made, the group dispersed, as Jack talked with a couple of people about how to go about his plan, Alexa found her mind wandering back to her dream. Why did her subconscious force her to live that memory again and again? It's not as if she hadn't thought about that day enough anyway, why did she have to keep going back? Why did she never see it properly? It didn't make any sense, it was past, she had dealt with it now. Or had she? That little voice in the back of her head questioned, you didn't deal with it, you just did what you did with everything else, you ran away, you refused to think about it. Always running Alexa, it taunted. Alexa was saved once again by a voice interrupting her:

"You might want to watch were your going Lex." A voice said whilst laughing gently "I think you've managed to walk into three different people without noticing it, and by the looks of things you were planning to go for a swim." Alexa looked up at Sawyer and couldn't help but smile before realising where she was stood. She looked down to see was stood a few inches in the sea already and her shoes along with the bottom of her trousers were soaked. Sawyer was right any further and she could have easily been swimming.

"Damn these were my favourite shoes as well….thinking about it, these are my only shoes." Alexa said with a self-deprecating smile

"Don't worry bout it, they'll dry." He said looking down at her sodden clothes "Eventually" He added with a smirk

"Glad to see your finding my discomfort amusing Sawyer." Alexa said, but she couldn't keep the smile off her face. She quickly untied her laces and took her shoes off before literally pouring the water out of them. "Guess I'm going bare foot for today then." She turned back towards the camp only to be stopped by Sawyer's snickering once again, she turned back to him. "What now?" She asked with a resigned sigh

"You've got sand in your hair." He said

"I sleep on a beach Sawyer." She said slowly "There's a surprising amount of sand, and hang on so do you."

Their conversation was interrupted by some shouts from further away; Alexa headed off only to see Sawyer not following, she grabbed his shirt and tugged.

"Come on I want to see what's going on."

"Nosy aren't ya." He said as he followed

"No I'm just inquisitive." She answered as she lifted her head in a mock insulted gesture.

"Same thing Lex. Same thing" Sawyer said he shook his head at her, but once again he couldn't keep the genuine smile off his face, what was it about Lex that made him so comfortable with her? He had no answer.

Alexa walked up to Sayid who was staring at Locke in slight shock;

"What's going on" She asked

"We have run out of the food that we had from the plane." Sayid said still not looking at her "But Locke has suggested that we hunt the boars from earlier." Alexa was about to reply with what? But stopped as she caught sight of the knife in Locke's hand, and her eyes travelled to the silver case by his feet.

"I don't want to know do I?" She asked rhetorically. Sayid didn't reply as he seemed as disconcerted as her about man being able to carry a case full of knives on a plane. Who the hell was this guy?

It seemed that nobody was opposed to Locke's suggestion, as Michael volunteered to go hunting with Locke. Alexa watched with interest as Michael tried to communicate to the Korean woman about looking after Walt ;his son.

"Not gonna volunteer for this one then Lex?" Sawyer questioned

"Oh yes I can see it now, I'll shout at the boars and they'll just die from sheer terror." She replied sarcastically

"I heard you were in the military though." Alexa was slightly startled; she had only told Sayid about that nobody else, so how did Sawyer know? She doubted Sayid would have told him they weren't exactly on good terms. Alexa decided not to question him just yet, and instead answered sincerely

"Only for 5 years, and I don't exactly have a lot of experience with chasing wild beasts round the jungle with knives. Plus you forget; the only person more disliked than me; is you." Alexa instantly felt bad about that; she shouldn't put someone else down just to make herself look better, not that it made her feel better anyway. In fact she just felt guilty, all the guilt that before she had been pushing to the back of her mind surfaced once again, and Alexa hated herself.

Sawyer had walked away after that comment, leaving Alex dwelling within in her remorse. It wasn't healthy she knew, but there was only so long you could ignore things before they came back to haunt you. Once again Alexa used her tried and tested method and just pushed her feelings back down and made the same excuse she always made: she would deal with it later. She looked around for something to distract herself and came across Sayid building something with electronics, intrigued slightly she walked over.

"What is it?" She questioned making Sayid jump, he looked a bit irritated about being disturbed.

"It's an Antenna I'm going to try and triangulate the French woman's signal."

"You want to know where it's coming from." Alexa stated

"Yes, for that signal to have been playing as long as you say, there would have to be a pretty big power source, I just need to place these…" He indicated the antenna's " In sites around the island" It seemed Kate had overheard their conversation as she made her way over and asked if she could help by going with the hunting party and then placing one herself.

Alexa made her way away from Sayid to avoid disturbing him, but nearly knocked into Claire. Alexa grabbed her arm to stop her from falling, and was rewarded with a grateful smile, it was only then that Alexa noted the book clasped in Claire's hands, Claire must have caught her questioning look as she spoke.

"Oh me and some of the other survivors were thinking of doing some sort of ceremony for the dead, using the things we can find about them." Claire must have mistaken Alexa's disbelieving expression either that or she just chose to ignore it "Hey maybe you could help and you could help with the ceremony itself or something." Alexa couldn't really come up with a way to express her feelings to Claire gently but she tried her hardest

"It's not really my thing Claire…."

"Oh come on Alexa, I heard some of the other passengers sayings some things about you, but I bet they're not true." Alexa wasn't really surprised about Claire's admission that people talked about her, and from the sound of things they weren't saying anything nice, and it upset her she knew it did, but she didn't give any of this away to Claire instead she just tried to explain to her why she couldn't:

"No really I can't. It's just I don't feel I have any right to get involved with these people's lives….I mean I didn't know them, it's not my place to try and give justice to the people they were." It was obvious that Claire didn't really understand but she respected Alexa's wishes:

"Oh ok, but you'll be there for the tribute right." Claire asked her voice hopeful

"Oh yes of course." Alexa said hoping Claire didn't catch her lack of enthusiasm.

Alexa sighed as Claire made her way back over to the other passengers, and she heard her laugh at something, as Charlie talked to her. Like she told Claire it wasn't that she wanted to be disrespectful, but what right did she have to talk about these people as if she knew them, it was quite likely that many of those people wouldn't have liked her anyway, she didn't know them, and she couldn't act like she did. She hadn't lied to Claire when she said she would be there because she would, but once again it just didn't feel right to her, these people deserved more and she knew it was stupid but part of her questioned whether they would want her there.

Alexa looked around realising that pretty much everyone was busy doing something, she wandered over to wreckage and sat down leaning against a rock. She really had no idea what to do, she wanted to help do something but she didn't have any skills that would be of use. An overwhelming feeling of helplessness built within her, and she felt invisible and alone, unwanted images flashed through her mind; Sawyer flirting with Kate, Sayid and Shannon, and then once again back to her dream. Alexa decided she didn't want to visit there again, knowing that she would probably be forced back in her dreams anyway. She looked up as Claire came over holding something in her hand:

"Hey Alexa, I know you don't want to help, but I know you and Sayid are close, would you mind giving him this, it has his name on it." Claire said as she handed Alexa an envelope she had been holding. Alexa took it and just nodded at Claire before making her way over to where Sayid had been last, Sayid looked up as she arrived but didn't say anything, and she silently passed him the envelope before walking away. She made a quick look back and saw Sayid staring avidly at a photo he found within. Alexa shrugged it off but carried on walking. She knew she shouldn't venture in to the jungle, but she had to get away, so instead she just carried on walking up the beach until the voices completely disappeared and Alexa could no longer see any of the camp.

Alexa spirits were low, she felt drained, empty and deeply sad. Everything she had done the past four days came back to her, and Alexa struggled to find one point where she had been of any help, all she had managed to do was get in the way and be a burden, along with annoying people and just generally acting like a bitch. She had got at Shannon for doing things which she herself was guilty of. She would never cry in front of anybody; but out here Alexa couldn't stop as the tears came, she cried for those dead people she didn't know, she cried for all the mistakes she had made, she cried at her own stupidity, but also she cried for the figure in the hospital bed, a figure she once knew so well.

Alexa knew she should be heading back as it got dark, and she knew that soon Jack would be ready to light the fuselage and they would say goodbye to the dead passengers. She also wondered whether the hunting party caught what they were after, whether Sayid had dealt with the photograph, and whether Sawyer would be willing to talk to her again. But mostly she wondered if they noticed she wasn't there, and as the darkness grew, she knew that for the moment at least they did not, and that knowledge added another hurt to Alexa's heart. She once again allowed sleep to take her hoping that maybe just for once; it would give her the respite she looked for.

_This time it wasn't the hospital room, this time it was a cemetery and Alexa watched as a figure laid flowers on the grave. Lilies she realised; ironic really, she knew the one in the grave never did like lilies, so why had they all brought them? Maybe it was expected, or maybe the figure had done it because they knew. _

_The figure just stood watching the grave as if expecting something to happen. The scene was not really what Alexa had expected, it was meant to be raining she realised. The one in the grave would have wanted rain. Instead it was blue sky and the sun was shining; it seemed that this whole scene was mocking the one in the grave._

_She wondered who the grave was for, it looked new, Alexa realised she had known the person well, very well. Why couldn't she remember? Then she realised this hadn't happened, this event never even took place, the hospital that had happened. This, this was wrong; nobody she knew would have ever been buried here. Where was here?_

_Alexa twisted, confused, graves everywhere, but why was she here? She began to run, she had to escape, get away, this was wrong_

_A voice in her ear behind her:_

"_When are you going to stop running Alexa?" the voice taunted. Alexa faced the voice only to see Sawyer's face. Suddenly it twisted becoming Shannon's_

"_You know I'm right Alexa." It said. It twisted once again this time it was Sayid_

"_You'll never understand until you face it Alexa, until you…." But Alexa could take no more she just ran and ran until……._

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Please you have got this far, please leave a review. Thanks for reading and reviewing hopefully.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN**

Ok once again guys please please leave me a review. If you like or even don't like this story if you have any advice or criticisms please just leave me a review to tell me so. Once again thanks to me Beta who no chapters would ever be posted without.Hope you enjoy this chapetr and once again please give me some feedback.

Disclaimer: Surprise, surprise i don't own any characters, plotlines or quotes you may recognise from this story.

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**Chapter 5**

Alexa awoke sweating and gasping for breath as if she had just run miles. This was a new development in Alexa's dreams, and it was not one she was particularly fond of. At least before, she had understood them. They were just memories she had tried to forget, but now Alexa had no idea what they meant. The fact that people she had only met five days ago were in them only disconcerted Alexa more.

Seeing the smoke rising from further down the beach; Alexa realised she had missed the burning. She felt guilty because she had told Claire she had would be there. Oh well she'd just have to apologise when she saw Claire, and try to make it up to her. She decided it was probably about time she made her way back to the camp, as her stomach was growling. She would hopefully be able to put back on her shoes, which should have dried from the day before.

She walked at slow pace, in no particular hurry to arrive back, and enjoying the feeling of the sand between her toes. The despair of the night before seemed to have faded, yet Alexa sensed it was still there ready to come up once again. She just hoped she would deal with it better next time; the only saving grace had been she hadn't broken down in front of anyone, so there was no need for awkward explanations.

As Alexa arrived at the camp she observed that everyone seemed to be looking out to sea at something. There was a woman screaming. She must be drowning Alexa thought, but why is no one helping her? Just as she thought that, she saw another figure swimming out. Boone, she realised, but then he disappeared. Alexa had split seconds to make a decision as Jack dived in the water; she could trust Jack to reach them both in time, or she could go and at least try to help. Glad she wasn't wearing any shoes; she ran and dived after Jack. Her deliberations had cost her precious time, as Jack swam fast and dived under going after Boone; she arrived about 45 seconds after Jack pulled up Boone.

"Alexa take Boone and go back to shore." He managed. She simply acknowledged him and tried to get hold of Boone to swim back to shore with him.

"No" He spluttered "I don't need your help."

"The hell you don't!" Alexa shouted. Of all the stubborn people she had ever met, Boone had to be one of the worst. She just grabbed his shirt collar and dragged him back to shore. Once she reached the shore she looked back at Jack hoping to see him and the woman, but of the woman, there was no sign. He was swimming back alone. She was gone, Alexa realised, she had probably been swept out further by the tide and they had been too late.

She reached the shore, soaking wet, let go of Boone, and sank back to the sand trying to get her breath back. Why hadn't she gone earlier? Maybe then Jack would have been able to save her. No, Alexa stopped herself this one was definitely not her fault, she had tried to help, she had given Jack the chance to reach that woman, and nothing she could have done would have changed that. But the anguish within Alexa disagreed, and grew with the thoughts that Alexa maybe hadn't tried hard enough.

"Looks like you decided to go for that swim after all." A voice joked, and Alexa found she was glad to hear his voice. That in itself was a surprise.

"So it does, now it's not just my shoes though" She said looking down at her soaked clothes. She found herself blushing slightly at the fact she was wearing a white top, and she hoped that maybe Sawyer hadn't noticed. She looked at him and seeing the direction of his gaze, she realised he had definitely noticed. Trust my luck she thought to herself.

"Definitely going to need a change of clothes." She said more to herself than him, but he heard anyway.

"But the half drowned look is really going for you Lex." He said laughing once again.

"Well thanks Sawyer, but I'm pretty sure the dry and comfortable look was better." She replied. She looked up at him glad he was here. He could always take her mind off things she didn't want to think about. Looking up at Jack, however, she realised once changed she was going to have to think about it. Sawyer reached out his hand to pull her up; she took it, smiled at him and then walked to her bag, before going to find somewhere to change.

Feeling better now in dry clothes she got ready to talk to Jack, but realised Kate was already there. Kate would probably do a good job of convincing Jack it wasn't his fault, so Alexa decided to leave it, she would talk to him some other time. She guessed she could talk to Boone, but immediately dismissed the idea after remembering his disgust that it had been her helping rescue him. So instead she headed over to Sawyer who was having a conversation with Shannon. Alexa didn't catch all of what they said but from the looks of things, Shannon wanted something from Sawyer, and Sawyer being Sawyer wouldn't give anything for free. Alexa watched as Shannon stormed off, and Sawyer went back to his book.

She moved next to him and sat down, before looking at the tile of his book 'Watership Down' she read:

"Very apt." Alexa said to him

"What?" He said with a confused expression

"The book" She indicated

"Oh yeah that, needed something to read." Alexa just nodded before moving her head to lean on Sawyer's chest so she could read the words. He looked down at her head bemused

"Not that I'm not enjoying this Lex, but why?" He asked

"Oh I haven't read that book in ages, and there are only so many times you can read 'The Three Musketeers' before wanting to kill Dart'agnan yourself." He just smirked before returning to reading the book.

"You done with this page?" He asked.

"Yep go ahead." She answered. Alexa didn't want to admit but this was the happiest she had been in a long time, surprisingly being with Sawyer made her comfortable, and she enjoyed being in his company. She also enjoyed reading the book, but part of her argued that she was just using at as an excuse. Alexa ignored the little voice that was always saying things she didn't like hearing and carried on reading.

They finished a couple of chapters, before Alexa moved her head, and told Sawyer she had to go talk to someone, after remembering her earlier thoughts of apologising to Claire. Sawyer nodded at her before going back to his book, Alexa was about to walk away but stopped:

"Hang on Sawyer you can't read on without me." He looked at her before shaking his head and putting down the book.

"You know I don't do anything for free Lex, it's going to cost you." His voice was light and not as serious as Alexa would have expected if he actually wanted something of worth. Alexa didn't think she had anything on her she could give him, certainly nothing of value. She fished in her pockets and came up with a two pence piece she had found at the airport, she looked at it for a second remembering how it had brought her good luck, even if only for a few hours. She flipped the coin at Sawyer who deftly caught it but looking at her with an incredulous expression.

"I don't think this is going to cut it Lex. This wouldn't even save you a page."

"But that coin is magic." She said as if it were the simplest thing in the world

"Magic?" He asked laughing "Looks pretty ordinary to me"

"Not everything is as it seems" She answered mysteriously "And trust me, that coin is good luck."

"I'll hold you to that Lex." He pocketed the coin anyway, and couldn't help but let a true smile grace his lips as Alexa walked away. What was it about her? She was the only one he would have let get away with that, and Sawyer found he didn't regret it in the slightest. Not even freckles would have tried that, but then freckles didn't even give him the time of day. Sawyer didn't understand how Lex made him feel like she did, but then like she said 'Not everything is as it seems.'

Alexa made her way over to where Claire was sat down, Charlie was there too.

"Hey Claire, Charlie." She said

"Oh, hey Alexa." Charlie replied; he didn't look thrilled to see her, but then, who did? Apart from Sawyer of course. Deciding to just go straight ahead with what she had come for Alexa spoke:

"Ok Claire, I want to apologise for yesterday, I didn't mean to come across as rude to you, and I'm really sorry I missed your tribute." Alexa finished sincerely.

However much she had objected to being involved, she understood why Claire had done what she had, and was glad that there was somebody like her here.

"Don't worry about Alexa; I understood why you didn't get involved, I'm sorry to hear you missed the tribute though."

"Yer me too, I'm sure it was great; it was a nice thing for you to do for them. " Alexa said indicating the now burnt out fuselage. "And I know that some people have been saying some things about me, and I guess they might be right but…" Alexa didn't get to finish as Claire cut her off:

"I didn't believe anything they told me, and after hearing how you helped Jack to save Boone this morning, I certainly don't believe it." Claire finished with a slight smile, Alexa felt instantly relieved but didn't get chance to reply as Claire swayed on her feet and collapsed into Charlie.

"Claire..." Charlie said panicked, he looked at Alexa asking for help:

"Infirmary tent quick I'll see if I can find Jack, and try and get her some water." Alexa rushed off, and nearly hit Sayid; he quickly steadied her before she spoke:

"Sayid, do you know where Jack is? It's Claire she's collapsed." She said in a rush, Kate looked up as she heard Alexa's account to Sayid. She answered before Sayid could:

"I don't know, he seems to have disappeared, I'll go ask around." Kate said as she left. Alexa and Sayid went back to the infirmary tent where Charlie was looking around frantically:

"The water, someone's stolen the water." He said rapidly

"What!" Both Sayid and Alexa exclaimed

"It was right here and now it's gone, there's nothing I can give to Claire."

Sayid and Alexa looked at each other, before Alexa remembered her own water. There wasn't much but it would be enough for the moment.

"Hang on, I'll be right back." She ran quickly to her bag and rifled through before finding the water bottle a third full, after she had filled it yesterday. She ran back to the tent before passing the bottle to Charlie, who poured it into a cup, and helped Claire to drink it.

"You keep your own water?" Sayid asked curiously

"Well yes, what's wrong with that?" She asked Sayid with a frown

"The only other to do that is Sawyer." Sayid said darkly. Alexa couldn't really understand Sayid's problem, she knew he and Sawyer weren't exactly best buddies, to put it mildly, but so what if they had a couple of the same habits, and its not as if she hadn't given it up in heartbeat for Claire. Her thoughts were disturbed as Kate entered the tent. She looked at Claire before speaking:

"How are you?" She asked kindly.

"Better thanks." She said to Kate, but Claire's pale pallor and weak voice didn't convince anybody.

She walked out of the tent beckoning Sayid and Alexa to follow her. They did so, leaving Charlie in the tent with Claire. She looked worried as she spoke, and Alexa realised it wasn't just for Claire:

"I can't find Jack anywhere. The last one to see him was Boone, and that was this morning."

"I am sure he is fine Kate" Sayid reassured "But for the moment we will have to cope without him, and we are going to need some more water for Claire, as the bit Alexa brought won't last long." Kate nodded at him before turning to Alexa

"Sayid and I will ask around to see if we can figure out who took the water." She told her. Alexa nodded slightly annoyed that Kate and Sayid had once again refused to allow Alexa to help with their plans. It's like they just expected her to sit and do nothing.

The irritation persisted and Alexa decided to just leave Charlie and Claire alone they seemed fine, she walked off in the direction of where she had slept the night before only to be stopped by Sawyer.

"Hey there Lex, you don't look happy." She turned and was about to reply before realising that in Sawyer's hands there was a fish.

"You do realise you're carrying a fish right?" She asked amused

"Yes of course, it's not the sort of thing I could miss Lex." He replied indignantly

"Just checking, you feel like explaining why you're carrying a fish?" She asked again

"I traded it with the Korean guy for my water." He said

"Ok…but don't you need that water?" She asked assuming he knew about the theft.

"It'll rain eventually Lex." He said looking at the blue sky, she followed his gaze doubtfully, but shrugged; it was his water he could do what he wanted with it.

Sawyer started to walk away and head off into the forest

"Hey wait! Where are you going?" Alexa shouted

"You want to come?" He asked impatiently as he stood by the edge of the jungle. Alexa weighed the decision in her mind before thinking: What's the worst that could happen? They both headed off into the jungle in comfortable silence; until Sawyer spoke

"You can't tell anyone about this place Lex" He said

"Ok" Alexa wasn't really bothered. She didn't have anyone to tell anyway and plus as far as she could see, it was just the jungle, it's not like she needed to tell anyone; they all knew it was here. They reached their destination as Sawyer lifted up a mat, and Alexa realised this was where he kept most of the stuff he took from the plane. Part of her wondered if she should be getting at Sawyer for taking this stuff, but for all she knew it could be all his, either that or nobody was going to be able to claim it anyway.

Out of nowhere a figure knocked into Sawyer pushing him to the ground! Unfortunately Alexa was in the way; meaning she was flung violently into a tree hitting it on her side before sinking to the bottom. The figure that was now identifiable as Kate was too preoccupied to notice the injury she had caused Alexa, who was already feeling the throbbing pain, in her recently injured ribs. Alexa looked up slightly dazed as Sayid also came into view; neither was paying any attention to Alexa.

"You idiot. What did you do with it?" Kate shouted at Sawyer. Do with what? Alexa wondered.

"The water, what did you do with it?" Kate asked again.

"Tell us now" Sayid added angrily. Sawyer looked to be enjoying the situation immensely as Kate was sat on top of him and Alexa realised they thought he had stolen the water, she was yet to determine why they thought this though. Her question was answered as Sayid held a bottle out to Sawyer.

"You gave this to the Korean people; they told us they had got it from you."

"That's my water; I traded it to the Korean guy for a fish he had caught, cave-man style." Sawyer said angrily, he pushed Kate off him, and stood up.

"But why give up your water?" Kate asked

"Hey I'm an optimist it's got to rain sometime right?" Sawyer answered

It was only after this comment that anybody noticed Alexa who was still at the base of the tree; her breathing was now laboured, as every breath pained her ribs. She was more than a little annoyed; firstly she had spent 5 days being extremely careful of her ribs, so they healed quicker giving her more movement, and secondly Kate had just crashed into her and then completely ignored her. Alexa's thoughts were becoming harder to concentrate on as the pain increased. It had obviously only just dawned on Kate that it had been her that had knocked Alexa into the tree as she spoke:

"Oh god Alexa I'm so sorry I didn't mean to."

"S'okay Kate I know you didn't mean to." Alexa's words were quiet as every word was an effort she hissed in pain as she moved slightly, the possibility of her walking out of here was becoming distinctly slim, she might make it a few steps if she didn't pass out. It seemed that both Sayid and Sawyer had worked this one out as they moved closer.

"I will take her back to camp, and we can wait for Jack." Sayid said.

"To hell you will, you were partly the cause of this, coming raging in here accusing me." Sawyer muttered angrily.

"Guys" Kate said heatedly "I don't think now is exactly the time."

Sawyer just shot Sayid a glare as he bent down to pick down to pick Alexa up.

"Ow." She whimpered as the movement jostled her ribs. The pain wasn't as acute now, but Alexa didn't know if this was a good sign or not, it could just mean she was moving closer to unconsciousness as she struggled to keep a grip on reality. Alexa's head lay against Sawyer's chest and in any other circumstances Alexa was pretty sure her heart would have been racing, but every step Sawyer took was hurting Alexa, and she couldn't help it as tears came to her eyes.

Luckily they hadn't been too far from the beach so they didn't have to go far, Alexa in Sawyer's arms and Sayid and Kate following behind, Sawyer quickly made his way to the infirmary tent, and laid Alexa down. During this time Alexa had managed to hold onto consciousness although it had become increasingly hard to concentrate on anything.

"I'd get you some water Lex, but we don't seem to have any." Sawyer tried to joke, but his voice didn't hold its normal humour, and instead seemed deeply worried.

"Kate, maybe you should go and check again to see if you can find Jack or at least some water for Alexa." Sayid said, his voice was also worried, and Alexa wondered why, it's not as if she was going to die, a few broken ribs weren't so bad. Then again, if they'd punctured my lungs, I could easily be dead by now, Alexa thought. Sawyer was now sat with Alexa's head in his lap and was gently stroking her hair. He shot a glare at Kate who had just returned and Kate just shook her head.

"I'm just going to see if I can find something for the pain Lex, I'll be back in a minute."

"Promise?" Alexa said softly

"Always" Sawyer answered, Alexa watched as he left the tent after Kate, and smiled, the pain in Alexa's ribs was still throbbing, but without the movement of before it was beginning to fade, but Alexa still hoped that Sawyer would return with something she could take. Her hopes were answered as Sawyer returned with some pills in one hand, he looked at her apologetically.

"All I could find was aspirin, and there isn't any water for you to take with it." Alexa just nodded at him, anything would do until Jack returned and was able to reset her ribs. She took the aspirin from Sawyer as he helped her sit up and swallowed them dry coughing slightly, which only intensified the pain.

Suddenly Alexa heard Charlie's voice:

"It was you; you took the water you thief" He shouted. There was a sound of scrambling and more indistinguishable shouts before Jack's voice broke above the rest. Alexa wanted to know what was going on, so she sent Sawyer a pleading look:

"Oh no, I'm not taking you out there, it'll just hurt you even more."

"Oh come on Sawyer please, it's not as if I'll be the one moving." She said insistently

"Fine, but I'm not taking the blame if you get hurt again." He once again picked her up so she was lying in his arms and gently carried her outside so she could hear what Jack had to say.

Jack spoke to the group about working together, after Charlie had found out the water thief was Boone.

"If we can't live together we're going to die alone" He said finally. Alexa pondered that statement slightly, and hoped it didn't turn out to be true. She didn't want to die alone she realised.

But what do you want? That little voice asked. Alexa shrugged off her own question as she often did, and allowed Sawyer's close proximity to lull her into sleep as the painkillers took effect allowing Alexa at least a little peace.

_The dreams visited Alexa once again, but something seemed to be having an effect on this one. Alexa was stood at the cemetery again watching flowers being laid on a grave, but they weren't lilies this time, they were roses, and as she looked at the sky she saw the grey clouds and she saw the storm. She felt the droplets hit her head and smiled. This was how it was meant to be. Alexa looked at the scene before her, at the figure in black and at the black marble grave as the rain hit it, she knew this was right, this was how it was meant to be, but there was still something about this scene that was wrong. Something was different. Confused she twisted and looked around. This time no figures appeared, but in the distance Alexa saw something through the rain, and as lightning struck the scene changed…._

_Back to the hospital room, but it was empty, the beds were all empty, no figures lay dying, and Alexa did not watch herself cry over another's death again. Instead she watched as a woman pushed a man in a wheel chair by and she heard their laughter. She twisted once again catching sight of something in the corner of her eye before the scene changed:_

_She was back in the room in the dark alone, yet somehow she didn't feel so alone anymore, and the candle that before looked so desolate now stood as a beacon shining. She watched the flame flicker but this time it did not die, and the wind through the window didn't seem as cold. The flame that before offered no comfort, now drew Alexa closer, and Alexa found that although it's light was small it chased away the fears and the doubt that the shadows brought. Something lurked in the darkness just as it had at the graveyard, yet Alexa found the candle gave her hope, and she didn't seem to fear as much anymore._

_Suddenly the wind blew once again, and Alexa heard someone speak_

"_No matter what Alexa. No matter what……."_

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OkI know your sick of hearing this but please review? 


	6. Chapter 6

**AN**

OkI have to say the biggest thank you to the two people who left me reviews of chapter 5. So thank you so much arwen1982 and Richard Starkey, you helped my beta convince me to post this next chapter. So thank you so much to the both of you and once again a great thanks to my beta, who told me to get writing the next chapter as soon as possible.

Once againI would be so grateful if you would review this chapter once your done and tell me what you think. So please please do so.

Disclaimer: As everI do not own any characters, plotlines or quotes you may recognise from the TV show "Lost".

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**Chapter 6**

When Alexa finally awoke the next day the sun was already high in the sky and she realised it was probably quite late in the afternoon. How she had slept that long Alexa didn't know, as she would assume that her injury would have kept her awake. She remembered falling asleep in Sawyer's arms, and then she had the dream again. This time though, it had been different, not as menacing, something had made her see things as they were. Still, some of the memories were distorted in her dreams. Alexa was lifted from her reverie by a voice to her left.

"So Sleeping Beauty finally awakes." The voice said, and Alexa looked up to see Sawyer's face.

"Sleeping? yes. Beauty? not so much." She said looking down at herself. Sawyer frowned but didn't say anything in return.

"Why did you let me sleep so long?" She asked

"Jack said you probably needed it, plus it would help your healing if you didn't move as much." Sawyer said as if reciting from a textbook. His demeanour was slightly disconcerting for Alexa as it wasn't how he normally was around her. She didn't like it. Where before silences were warm and comfortable, now they were awkward. She wondered what was wrong, as far as Alexa could remember she hadn't done anything wrong the day before, and he had been just generally nice to her, unlike he was to most people.

"Oh ok, on that thought, where is Jack?" She questioned

"He's trying to convince people to move to the caves, says it's safer. He wants you to go too I think." He said

"Is everyone going?" Alexa asked because in truth she didn't really want to leave, she guessed if both Sawyer and Sayid were going and maybe Kate then she would have to go to.

"No, me and the Arab are staying so are Freckles, Metro and Sticks there's a couple of other people I don't really know staying aswell." Sawyer finished, once again his voice lacked the enthusiasm he usually had for the conversations and Alexa found herself wanting to leave, just to find the other Sawyer, the one who made her feel safe, and the one she thought cared for her.

"Well that's settled then." Alexa said easily

"You going with the doctor then?" Sawyer said

"Hell no, everyone I know is staying here, why would I leave?" She asked

Sawyer just shrugged and walked away leaving Alexa feeling very low she looked up to where he had gone and saw him with Kate. She gently stood up to avoid hurting her ribs and walked slightly nearer to hear there conversations; she saw Sawyer smiling and laughing with Kate, and then he gave her flirtatious smile. The only line she caught was along the lines of

"I guess there's something good to stay for then." He then smiled at Kate again and moved his hand to her face.

Alexa had heard enough, she didn't need to hear that conversation to know where it was going. Alexa wondered why she cared, it's not as if he meant anything to her, they were just friends right? He could get involved with whoever the hell he liked, why should she care? He didn't mean anything to her.

Even in her head it sounded hollow and Alexa once again felt the emptiness in her heart she had that night with Sayid. This was worse though; much worse, before she just felt sad, but the feeling had faded after a while, but now Alexa didn't know what to think. She hated feeling like this she hated feeling so bad, Sawyer was a guy, and everyone had commented on what he was like. Why hadn't she expected this? Why had she got so close? Do you see where trusting people gets you Alexa? The little voice within her asked. Alexa ignored the voice, repeating the fact that she didn't care, willing herself to believe it. The sadness in her heart only seemed to intensify as she said it, because deep down she knew it wasn't true, in fact she knew the complete opposite was true, but admitting that would be ultimate betrayal. It would mean she had let someone in and they had let her down. So instead of facing it Alexa lied to herself, just as she had spent her whole life lying to the world.

Alexa had walked slowly away from Sawyer and Kate, and found herself just next to Sayid. He hadn't noticed her yet, and she wondered why but then she saw he was sat next to Shannon, and they were talking. Part of Alexa was happy for them both. Shannon however bad she seemed on the outside deserved someone, whether it be Sayid or someone else, and Alexa had instantly trusted Sayid as a friend and she still didn't regret it. However at that moment seeing Sayid and Shannon so happy just brought images of Sawyer and Kate and Alexa's heart painfully wrenched.

"I don't care…I don't care." She whispered under her breath, but the sound of Kate's laughter interrupted Alexa and she saw her walking with Sawyer. They're only flirting Alexa, that's what Sawyer does. Yes but it's obvious he likes Kate more than you. Parts of Alexa fought for dominance, the forever-hopeful part as usual lost, and the irrational part of Alexa sent her in the direction of the jungle.

After a few hundred yards of virtually jogging at a fast pace into the unknown Alexa stopped and assessed what she was doing. This was not a good idea; in fact Alexa was pretty certain it was a horrendously bad idea, she had no clue what was out here, and on top of that the sunlight was fading and soon it would be dark. Whatever Alexa's feelings, nothing justified this reckless piece of judgement. Alexa turned ready to head back to the beach. Before she could even begin to set off Alexa felt cold metal at her throat a hand over her mouth and a voice whispered in her ear:

"Move and I swear I will kill you." No matter how brave a person is, put in that situation anybody will be afraid, the defining moments of bravery are the fact that you don't allow your fear to overcome you and act rashly. Alexa knew this was true, she also knew she was afraid, no she was more than afraid she was terrified, but doing something stupid was going to get her killed so she stood still and didn't move, hoping she wouldn't get hurt. Unfortunately for her, her kidnapper did not stick to Alexa's rules, and the last thing Alexa saw was a flash of cold steel before all went dark.

Alexa awoke once again with a serious headache, she assumed that it was a result of the lump at the back of her head, and logically deduced that someone had knocked her unconscious. She tried to move only to found that she couldn't, she stopped her futile attempts and took in what she knew. She was tied, and tied tightly to a tree, they were in the middle of the jungle and it was dark.

This could not be good.

Alexa was still afraid but at that moment in time it didn't seem to be the predominant emotion, in fact she was just angry. Angry at herself for being so stupid, angry at Sawyer and Sayid for pushing her to do something like this, but most of all she was angry at whoever had the gall to kidnap her and then leave her tied to a tree in the middle of the night. What Alexa didn't know at that time was that she wasn't alone; not yet at any rate, she soon found this out though.

"Where is it?" A harsh voice in the darkness questioned

"What?" Alexa asked confused whilst trying to pinpoint the direction of the voice.

"Where is it?" The voice said louder this time

"Where is what?" Alexa was just confused and annoyed; she had no idea what this person was talking about.

"We know you know." It said this time

"I don't have the faintest idea what you are talking about, it might help if you were you know a little more specific." Alexa would have kicked herself if she could; she just couldn't help herself could she? She had to come up with some bloody stupid remark which was bound to get her into trouble. The voice hissed angrily and Alexa once again caught a flash of silver in the moonlight, but soon another voice interrupted.

"Leave the girl, she knows nothing of use. It will finish her off anyway" The voice was deep and rough and it sent chills directly up Alexa's spine, the way he had said 'It' had started to frighten Alexa, especially as no more voices disrupted the silent darkness. Alexa truly was alone now, she was alone, confused, scared and the ropes binding her to the tree were hurting; her ribs throbbed painfully, and her wrists chafed against the rope of the bindings.

The silence had been scary, but the sound that now interrupted Alexa's mind was bone-chilling .The deep reverberating growl from a distance rang through the jungle and Alexa realised whatever it was must be huge, and it was coming her way. She struggled wildly against the ropes but to no avail, and Alexa realised she was not going to be able to break free. The ominous noise was beginning to get nearer and Alexa's time was running short. She didn't want to die here on this island, especially with so many things left unsaid. Stupidly enough one of the saddest things she could think of was the fact that she and Sawyer would never finish the book.

Then it hit her. It wasn't the book she was bothered about. It was Sawyer. Alexa didn't want to spend her last minutes deluding herself so she finally turned and stood ready to face some things. She finally stopped running for long enough to see. She saw her and Sawyer talking and laughing, she saw her shy smile, and she saw her blush at something he said. She saw him stroke her hair when she was injured, she saw all the things that before she had chosen to ignore. Finally Alexa admitted that he didn't mean nothing to her, in fact he meant more to her than anyone she had met in a long time, and she finally saw why it hurt so much for him to be with Kate, because she truly did trust him, inside she felt for him and cared for him, and the thought of losing him from her life was devastating. Amidst the swaying trees and the menacing growls Alexa admitted to herself that maybe she cared for Sawyer as more than just a friend.

Suddenly to Alexa's left a figure burst through the undergrowth, Alexa's heart jumped as she recognised the figure. It was Sawyer. She wondered if she had ever been this happy to see anyone before, she doubted that she had. The figure looked up as he saw Alexa and Alexa caught the relieved look on his face, but she wondered if she saw something more pass on Sawyer's face.

"You feel like getting me down from here anytime soon?" Alexa asked impatiently but she kept glancing in front of her where the deep growls where steadily getting nearer. Sawyer cut the ropes holding her to the tree with a knife and then untied the rope binding her hands. Alexa carefully rubbed her wrists feeling the raw skin, before throwing her arms around Sawyer's neck.

"You have absolutely no idea how glad I am to see you." She said

"Probably about as glad as I am to find that you're ok." He mumbled into her hair, the corners of Alexa's mouth lifted before she remembered about Kate and she frowned but before she could say anything a very loud growl echoed around them reminding them of the immediate danger.

"We have to get out of here now" Alexa said as she started walking towards the direction Sawyer had come. The trees behind them swayed violently and Sawyer picked up the pace grabbing Alexa's arm.

"We're gonna have to run." He whispered

"Big problem, I don't think I can run very fast." Sawyer looked like he was about to object before it dawned on him that doing so could seriously injure Alexa.

"Ok then as fast as you can, but it gets too close I'm carrying you." He whispered back. They started running but whatever was behind them was closing in and Alexa was being left behind.

Sawyer easily lifted her into his arms and began to sprint. Alexa caught sight of the gun Sawyer was carrying and quickly grabbed it before trying to get into sight whatever was chasing them.

"Do you even know what you're doing with that thing?" Sawyer questioned

"Trust me." Alexa said simply, she didn't have a direct idea at exactly what she was shooting at, but if she could hit in the general vicinity she might do some damage. She took aim and fired over Sawyer's shoulder. The shot rang loudly through the jungle but Alexa was rewarded with a howl in what she could only assume was either pain or anger. Alexa's plan seemed to have worked as whatever the monster was seemed to have stopped its pursuit of them.

"It's stopped, you can put me down now" Alexa said brusquely, not that Alexa wasn't enjoying the attention but she was still angry at Sawyer even though he had saved her life. As Sawyer set her on her feet she immediately began walking away from him she didn't get very far before he caught her up.

"Whoa there Lex, What's with you? Don't I even get a thank you?" he asked his voice sounding hurt, Alexa sighed before replying

"Thanks for saving me." She said but her voice wasn't filled with the gratitude or appreciation Sawyer probably deserved, but whatever Alexa did she couldn't banish the images of Sawyer and Kate from her mind.

"Yer well next time maybe I'll just leave you in the jungle." Sawyer said angrily

"Maybe you should have done, it's not as if anybody would miss me." Sawyer glared at her before replying

"You know, you're so self-pitying sometimes Lex! Maybe if you opened your eyes and looked around you instead of taking the blame for everything, and condemning yourself for every single mistake then you'd see that people care!" he shouted "That I care." He said quieter. Alexa stopped what she was about to say and looked at him, she didn't know whether he was being sincere or not, but she didn't want to get hurt again; she didn't want to open her heart only to have him rip it into shreds.

"Oh yes you care, you care when it suits you, but when someone prettier comes along, I don't matter anymore do I? You wonder why I'm so self pitying Sawyer? I'm always going to be second best, I'm always going to shoved aside and it…." Alexa eyes were filling with tears now and just talking about it was bringing to the surface feelings she didn't want uncovered but now she had started she couldn't stop. "It hurts ok. It hurts so much" She finished as tears streamed down her face, she turned away from Sawyer not wanting him to see her like she was.

"You really think that Lex? You really think I don't care?" he said " Well your wrong I care and I shouldn't, I'm not meant to feel this way, I didn't want to hurt you Lex." He finished quietly

"You didn't want to hurt me?" She laughed at the irony of that statement what he had done had hurt her more than it ever should. "Yes because I can see you did a bloody good job of that, why don't you just go back to Kate? You don't want to hurt me? Well since you've already completely failed at that, how about you stay the hell away from me Sawyer! You know they warned me, and I didn't listen, you know why? Because I saw something they didn't, but maybe I was wrong." Alexa looked back at him and began to walk off but before she did she turned and shouted back "I thought you were different Sawyer, guess it just goes to show what a fool I am."

As Alexa made her way back to the beach she allowed the tears to fall freely, hoping that maybe they would wash the pain away. She had just been kidnapped and nearly killed on this island and had then shouted at her rescuer, it wasn't meant to be this way she thought. Back at the beach she sunk into the sand her tears falling like rain and eventually she cried herself to sleep.

_Once again Alexa was back. It was the hospital room this time but in contrast to before the lights no longer looked warm and welcoming, they were harsh and blinding. All the beds were full and she watched once again as she talked quietly to the figure in the bed._

"_What am I going to do if you go?" she heard herself ask, but to Alexa's surprise this time she heard the figure's reply._

"_Well I would assume that your going to leave this dreary hospital room and go home, or knowing you probably not you'll go to some where different and very probably dangerous, America knowing you, just be careful if you do." _

_Alexa heard herself chuckle slightly but then saw a solemn expression pass across her face._

"_I mean who am I going to go to for advice? Where am I going to go if I screw up again? And who's going to be there to tell me it's all going to be ok?"_

_The figure smiled at this_

"_You're going to follow your own advice just as you always do, you're going to do everything perfectly and then most likely run from your problems, and I know you don't have any faith Lex, but trust me when I say it is all going to be ok."_

"_What if it's not, though?"_

"_You're going to find your happiness again Lex, you'll see the sun when you least expect it, and one day you'll let someone into your heart and you're going to fall in love, just like you told me you never would, and I'll be laughing from wherever it is I am and next time I see you I'm going to tell you I told you so." A sad smile lifted Alexa's face and even then she could see that she hadn't believed it, but the figure's words echoed deep within her. 'You'll see the sun……you'll let someone in.' It hadn't turned out exactly as planned because the sun had been short lived, and the one she had let in would never return the favour. She guessed that the figure had been right after all though._

_The scene changed once again the room was dark once more and the candle lasted only a few seconds before it was gone just as before. The cold swept through the room, leaving Alexa feeling empty of hope, and once again the sadness within her grew as she stared through the darkness into an equally dark and uncertain future._

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Please **review** and tell me what you think. Thanks again.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN**

Ok once again i have to give a huge thanks to my four reveiwers for the last chapter, I was so pleased when my internet was working againand I found that you guys liked my story. So thanks again to Richard Satrkey glad you liked it, and also to skimmboardergurl thanks for reviewing. To arwen1982 thank you so much i love getting your reviews hope you like the chapter. And Bright Sky glad you liked this story as for you question you will have to keep reading and find out.

Please please Review it would be so appreciated.

Oh and tell me what you think of either Sawyer/Alexa or Sayid/Alexa?

Disclaimer: Once again i don't own nor ever will any of the characters, plotlines or quotes you may recognise from the TV show Lost.

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**Chapter 7**

Alexa awoke feeling, if possible slightly worse than the night before. Her ribs burned and the places where the bindings on her wrists had been were now red raw. She also had a killer headache, probably a resultant of all the crying she did last night. In any other situation Alexa might have just lay back down and tried to sleep again, but she didn't particularly want another episode of dark dreams. Instead she struggled to her feet, ignoring her pounding head, and set off in the direction of the signal fire that everybody was crowding around.

Kate was sat slightly further down the beach talking to Jack who, it seemed, had got up early this morning to be at the beach by now. Alexa stopped watching them and moved to sit next to Claire; she put her head in her hands and groaned.

"Are you ok Alexa?" Claire asked kindly

"Killer headache." She said shortly.

"You could ask Jack for some painkillers or something." Claire suggested. Alexa just nodded, not ready to hold a civil conversation at that moment in time. As Alexa thought about it though, she realised she had to tell Jack about last night. Then again Sawyer should have done that already shouldn't he? He wouldn't have just headed off looking for her without telling anybody would he? Stupid question, Alexa thought: of course he would; this was Sawyer she was talking about. Before she could move over to tell Jack, Sayid appeared and sat down next to her. He caught sight of her wrists and frowned.

"How did this happen?" he questioned as he took hold of her hand

"Did nobody even wonder where I was last night?" Alexa mumbled quietly

"What happened Alexa?" Sayid asked worriedly

"Go get Jack and I'll explain to you both so I don't have to repeat myself. If Sawyer was even the slightest bit useful then he would have already done this." She added the last sentence quieter than the rest but she was pretty certain Sayid heard it as he shot her a questioning glance before going to get Jack. Alexa tried to set her thoughts in order before Sayid and Jack returned, she didn't particularly feel like remembering any part of last night, but being tied to a tree by an unknown assailant was a pretty big deal. So all Alexa had to do was not think about Sawyer.

Easier said than done.

"What's going on Alexa?" Jack questioned as he and Sayid appeared by her side.

"Ok well the thing is last night I wasn't in the sanest frame of mind, and I did something pretty stupid." Jack raised an eyebrow at Sayid who just shook his head and Alexa sighed. "Ok anyway I was a bit upset last night." She raised her hand to stop Sayid's question "Let me finish. Anyway so I went in to the jungle when it was getting dark. I realised after a couple of minutes how reckless and dangerous it was, so I turned back ready to head back to beach, when somebody held a knife to my throat and then knocked me unconscious." Both Sayid and Jack looked shocked.

"By the time I woke up it was dark and I found myself tied to a tree in the middle of the jungle. The guy who knocked me out kept asking: 'Where is it?'

I didn't have the faintest idea what he was talking about and I made it pretty clear, but then I think he was going to kill me before some other guy came along and told him I didn't know anything, and 'It' would finish me anyway." Alexa said all this pretty quickly not looking at either Sayid or Jack's face afraid that they were going to either shout or laugh at her. She finished her story before either of them could interrupt "Anyway they both left, and I was pretty certain I was going to die. Then Sawyer turned up and cut me loose we both ran from the monster I shot at it and then it stopped following us. Anyway I just thought you should know." Alexa finished quietly.

Both Jack and Sayid were lost for words and Alexa understood why. If they believed what she had just told them, then there was a big likelihood that they weren't alone on this island and whoever else was here was quite probably highly dangerous. The alternative was scarier; that it was one among the survivors who did this and that nobody could be trusted. Or there was always option three where they didn't believe a word she was saying, but she had proof from Sawyer's words that she was in fact tried to a tree when he found her, and she couldn't have tied herself to it. Finally jack spoke:

"Ok firstly Alexa are you ok? Did you get hurt last night?"

"No I'm fine my wrists are a little sore but other than that." Alexa replied

"Secondly I think we should definitely move to the caves it would be safer for everybody." Jack said decisively

"I don't know Jack, I was as close to the caves as I was to the beach last night, I think it was only bad luck and judgement on my part that whoever it was got me." Alexa said.

"Ok fine I still think we should move, but if not I want everyone to be extra careful. Nobody should be in the jungle alone, especially not after dark. Alexa you need to be more vigilant. You may be right that this was random, but it may not have been." Alexa felt patronised by Jack's words. It was as if he was talking to a five year old.

"Jack I promise to be more careful, but if they were willing to let me get eaten last night, then I doubt they have any use for me." Alexa said in defiance.

Jack just shook his head in defeat and turned to talk to Sayid about means of defence for the survivors. Alexa fought her annoyance at once again not being included and at being pushed aside. She stood up her head pounding and made for the edge of the jungle.

"You heard Jack Alexa; you cannot go into the jungle." Sayid said. Alexa understood why he was doing this, but that didn't mean she had to like it.

"For heavens sake Sayid, I don't need protection I've been doing just fine on my own thanks." She said abruptly.

"Just fine? If I heard you correctly you would have been dead last night if it were not for Sawyer coming to your rescue." Sayid said reasonably

"I don't need your help Sayid, and I certainly don't need that arrogant excuse for a human being's." Alexa said angrily before she stalked off to go sit by herself at the beach.

Alexa was annoyed at Sayid; not because he was wrong but because he was perfectly correct. She would have been dead last night if it weren't for Sawyer. Alexa didn't want to admit that she had needed his help, especially not after their argument last night. She had been unfair to Sayid and he didn't deserve it. Alexa shook her head; she really couldn't get anything right could she? Whenever she tried to help it seemed to backfire in her face. There was no one to take Alexa's mind off the things that made her despair, as the one who would normally do that was now at the foremost of Alexa's thoughts, and she just felt sad. It probably wasn't Sawyer's fault; it was understandable that he would choose Kate. Come on who wouldn't? She was everything Alexa wasn't and more.

Alexa was annoyed at herself for admitting to Sawyer last night that he had hurt her. She had acted pathetic; he was Sawyer! Why would he care whose heart he stomped on to get what he wanted? Alexa needed to do something because she didn't like the way her thoughts were going. She caught sight of Kate, Sayid and Boone talking about the antennas he had built and headed over, hoping Sayid didn't hold a grudge. They all looked up as she headed over and they glanced at each other before smiling at Alexa.

Alexa was instantly suspicious. The only time people looked at you like that was when they wanted something.

"Ok guys what do you want?" She asked. Kate shot a glance at Sayid before speaking.

"We need your help Alexa." She said

"Ok… why?" Alexa asked once again slightly suspicious. Sayid and Kate had studiously avoided allowing Alexa to help in their little schemes why would they ask for her help now? Unless it was something they were unable to do themselves. Being as Alexa doubted she had any skills that these two couldn't find somewhere she was worried.

"I am going to try and triangulate the French woman's signal with the antennas but I need a battery for the transceiver to work." Sayid explained

"And the only person who might have any batteries is…."

"Sawyer." Alexa finished for Kate; now she understood; they wanted her to get Sawyer to give up the battery, her friendship with him was well known. Before last night Alexa wouldn't have even hesitated about just asking Sawyer and seeing if he would give it to her, but now Alexa wasn't so sure; she didn't want to talk to Sawyer she didn't want a repeat of last night. Kate saw her hesitation and apprehension:

"Come on Alexa, you and he are close. Closer than I've seen him with anyone before." Kate's words hit close to Alexa's heart they _were _close, she was right they had been close, before she came along part of her said venomously. Alexa nearly laughed at herself, it was pathetic, it wasn't Kate's fault and Alexa wasn't going to blame her, just because Sawyer had pushed Alexa aside for her didn't mean that Kate had anything to do with it.

"Maybe you should go Kate, you and him seemed pretty close last night." Alexa said sadly. Boone interrupted before Kate could speak

"You should Kate. Alexa won't be able to do it anyway." Boone said giving Alexa a hateful look. Alexa wondered if Kate understood as she spoke:

"No Boone, Sawyer is different when he is with Alexa." Alexa just nodded

"Ok" she said and headed off over to the old infirmary tent where Sawyer had now moved.

Alexa nervously walked in, and Sawyer looked up as she did so, his eyes flashed with surprise when she appeared but it was quickly gone behind his icy mask seconds later.

"What do you want Lex? Come back to scream at me some more for saving you?" He said harshly, Alexa nearly winced at his tone, but maybe she deserved it; after all he had saved her life only to have her shouting in his face.

"Sawyer about last night, look I'm really glad you saved my life, but the thing is Sayid needs a battery for the transceiver so we can find out where the signal is coming from." She finished quickly

"Oh I get it. You only came over here to get stuff for the Arab. Why'd he send you eh Lex? Think you'll be able to convince me did he? Talk about not caring Lex. Just chuck me aside when the Arab decides he wants you again!" Alexa was angry at Sawyer's words, he was twisting what she said and mocking her, she had just wanted to get the battery and leave but if he wanted to bring it back up then two could play at that game.

"See how it feels now do you Sawyer? Hurts doesn't it? Oh wait a minute no it only hurts for those of us who actually have feelings, and FYI there isn't anything going on between me and Sayid, he's just a friend!" Sawyer looked angry as he stood up to face her but Alexa wasn't backing down.

"Oh you think you have feelings now do you Lex? So it's ok for you to hurt others feelings but you can't cope when someone does it back, well I've got news for you Lex; it doesn't work that way. Why the hell would I care about you and the Arab, like you said last night I only care when it suits me!"

"You can't exactly talk about hurting people Sawyer, were you not listening last night? Or do you just not care? You know I don't mean to hurt people, yet it seems you just go round intending to do as much damage as possible. Even to those people who actually do give a damn about you!"

"I thought we'd been through this Lex, I'm the most hated person here nobody gives a damn about me!"

"I do." She said quietly Sawyer stopped what ever he was about to say and looked at her. She hoped that he would see how sincere she was being because she didn't want to argue anymore. Everything he said to her hurt, she wasn't like him; insults didn't just wash over her. Every word he spoke hurt her, not just because a lot of it was true, but mainly because it was him that had said it, and she had known he meant it.

"Why? You're not meant to care about me Lex, I'm not meant to feel like I do." He said just as quietly.

"Yeah well, I'm sorry for caring Sawyer, I really wish there was someway I could change it and make this all go away." Alexa thought about what she had said "No I don't, because that would mean taking away all the things we've done, all the stuff we've said to each other, no I don't think I want to change that." She said more to herself than to Sawyer but she knew he had heard. Sawyer wordlessly handed over a battery to her, and Alexa stood shocked, there wasn't anything she could say so she turned away.

"Lex wait…. It's going to cost ya." His voice was light and a voice Alexa recognised from before, she couldn't help but give him a sad smile.

"You already have something of mine in your keeping." Alexa said mysteriously.

"I'm going to need more than a lucky coin Lex."

"I wasn't talking about the coin." Sawyer looked confused and Alexa chuckled slightly.

"Maybe one day I'll explain it to you." Alexa walked slowly out of the tent, both hers and Sawyer's words echoing through her mind.

Alexa made her way over to Sayid and Kate paying little attention to what was going on around her. She passed the battery to Sayid and looked at all the stuff they were packing, realising they were going out into the jungle. Alexa decided that this time she wasn't going to let them leave her behind; especially after what she just went through for that battery.

"Where we heading then?" Alexa asked basically announcing her intentions of accompanying them on their little expedition.

"I do not know if you should accompany us Alexa, your injuries…" Alexa cut him off

"Can't keep using that as an excuse, I'm not letting you guys leave without me again, and plus you owe me for getting you that battery." Alexa said stubbornly. Kate looked at Alexa in the eye, and Alexa couldn't help but wonder if Kate knew just how much Sawyer had hurt her, or even that she was partly the reason for the constant aching in Alexa's heart.

"Let her come Sayid, we could probably use the help, and she is right we do owe her." Kate announced. Sayid just nodded and Alexa went to grab her bag. She checked her water bottle was full and as her hand reached into her bag it brushed against a sheet of paper which Alexa promptly pulled out. Alexa unfolded the sheet and stared. Her hand shook as her eyes skimmed the page, and she had a sudden urge to rip the sheet into shreds, but instead she folded it back up carefully and pushed it to the bottom of her bag. She swung her bag over her shoulder and joined Kate and Sayid who were ready to go.

Walking through the jungle was pretty uneventful, she had checked with Kate when they set off where they were going, and had learnt they were going to set one antenna up and then either Kate or herself would wait with it and a bottle rocket for Sayid to set up the next one. To Alexa's distaste Boone had the job of looking after the antenna on the beach, and Alexa wondered if he would actually be able to cope with that much responsibility. Her ribs ached but she was successfully ignoring the pain, as she tuned into Kate and Sayid's conversation; they were talking about fate.

"What about you Alexa?" Kate asked

"Sorry I wasn't listening. What was the question?" Alexa replied politely.

"Do you believe in fate?" Sayid asked. Alexa pondered the question. She had never really thought about it; maybe there were some things that were fated to be, but Alexa didn't want to believe that every action in her life was decided for her, and that she couldn't change it.

"I don't know really. Maybe there are some things that are meant to be, but I don't think I can accept that my life is planned out for me, and that every decision I make is just some part of fate's plan for me. I guess I prefer to be in control of my life." Alexa said, Kate nodded slightly at her answer, but Sayid seemed to think on it before speaking.

"So what sort of things would you say are 'meant to be'?" Sayid asked. Alexa once again paused and thought before answering.

"Well I'm not sure, but a friend of mine used to say that when something is really meant to be you would know; and however much I hate to say it she hasn't been wrong yet, even if her advice didn't turn out quite how I had hoped." Alexa said pensively. Sayid gave her a questioning look

"What do you mean?" He asked. Flashes of Alexa's dream returned to her and sadly enough she couldn't keep her mind from turning to Sawyer once again.

"Never mind." She said quietly; she was sure that Sayid would understand that she wasn't ready to talk about it. He just nodded and he and Kate reverted to their conversation leaving Alexa to her own thoughts.

A noise directly to Alexa's right made her head turn sharply. It was obvious that Kate and Sayid hadn't heard it and she just held up a hand for them to stop. They both looked to the direction Alexa was staring at, and Alexa felt her breathing become faster as images of swaying trees returned to her mind. Out of the trees came Sawyer. Alexa let out the breath she was holding before speaking:

"You nearly gave me a heart attack." She exclaimed

"Sorry Lex, forgot you could be so jumpy." Sawyer said laughing, but he hadn't noticed Kate and Sayid, who were both frowning at him, with obvious distaste at his presence.

"What are you doing here Sawyer?" Kate virtually spat at him

"Oh come on I haven't done anything wrong yet." Sawyer said indignantly

"Well is there any particular reason you decided to come?" Sayid asked threateningly

"Well there might have been." Sawyer said

"Just tell us and then get the hell out of here, why don't you?" Kate said to him. Alexa looked on and didn't get involved, but she was annoyed at Sayid and Kate; Sawyer hadn't done anything yet and they were still treating him badly.

"Well maybe I've forgotten what it is I've come for. I'll just have to come along till I can remember it." He said, he looked at Alexa and winked and Alexa couldn't help but find herself smiling back at him. Sayid looked furious as Sawyer settled himself into walking behind Kate, trying to get on her nerves.

"Feel like explaining what you meant earlier Lex?" Alexa thought about what she had said earlier, and in truth she wasn't a hundred percent sure what she had meant so how she was going to try and explain it to Sawyer was beyond her. Of course she wasn't going to let Sawyer know that, so instead she decided to keep up the mysterious act.

"Well I could tell you…..but then I'd have to kill you." Alexa joked, Sawyer looked only slightly amused, but she wondered if it was an American thing.

"Well you could try." Sawyer said, then he seemed to rethink that statement as he spoke again; "Actually remembering how comfortable you were with that gun maybe I'd better not tempt you." Alexa smiled slightly at him, but inside part of her hoped he wouldn't pursue the fact that she was so comfortable using the gun. She didn't reply to Sawyer and there silence was not as awkward as Alexa had expected.

They arrived at the place Sayid said the second antenna needed to be placed and he and Kate began to set it up. Alexa shrugged off her bag which was hurting her ribs slightly and placed it on the ground.

"Kate you stay here and watch for my rocket around 5 o'clock." He looked at Sawyer and Alexa "Alexa you come with me to set up the next Antenna, and Sawyer you should probably stay with Kate."

"Who said I was taking orders from you, Arab boy?" Sawyer asked, and Alexa resisted the urge to sigh as Sayid clenched his fists, she just gently tugged on his arms and pulled him in the direction of the jungle. Sayid whispered something at Kate before they both looked at Alexa. Sayid finally set off after Alexa but not before sending a glare at Sawyer. Alexa felt slightly upset that Sawyer had not really made any objections to staying, and she wasn't quite sure why, but the image of Kate and Sawyer from the previous night was a sharp reminder. They had got about 100m before Alexa realised she had left her bag. It wasn't essential but it had her water and some other things, and she didn't want to leave it in the middle of the jungle. She turned ready to head back, thinking if she ran maybe she would make it before Sayid noticed.

"Alexa, where are you going?" He asked. Or maybe not, she thought bitterly.

"I left something back there, don't worry I'll catch up, I'll only be a minute." She said.

"Ok, but Alexa please be careful." He said quietly. Alexa simply nodded before jogging slightly to get back to where she had left her bag. She noticed it was right to the left of where Sawyer was stood, she was about to go and grab it, but she stopped as she saw Kate and Sawyer's faces as they argued. Alexa sunk further into the bushes whilst keeping quiet to hear their words. She felt slightly deceitful at eavesdropping, but shrugged it off; it's not like it'd hurt.

"I still don't get what you see in him." Sawyer said "It's not like it's his amazing good looks, or sense of style." Alexa wondered who they were talking about, but from the sour look on Kate's face she would guess Jack, only insults aimed at him would get to Kate.

"You're less than half the man he is." Kate said angrily "Jack's kind, thoughtful, and selfless, unlike you, who is nasty, manipulative and down right selfish." Alexa watched Sawyer's eyes as she said that and caught the quick flashes of hurt before his mask was back up.

"You're far from perfect yourself." He said back to her

"Like you're one to judge, just look at how you treat Alexa." Kate said. Alexa' ears perked at the mention of her name and she looked to Sawyer to see his reply, she wondered at what she saw behind his eyes, was it sadness? Longing? That wouldn't make any sense though would it?

"You keep Alexa out of this." Sawyer said angrily

"Oh so you can bring up Jack, but as soon as I mention Alexa you don't want to talk." Kate said angrily once again. "Well let me tell you something she's not so perfect either." Alexa was angry at Kate, she had no right to use her like this just to try and hurt Sawyer, although she really didn't see where Kate was going with this. Why the hell would Sawyer say what he said about her?

"Works both ways Freckles. You're no way near as good as Alexa, and you never will be. Oh and by the way you might want to think on what you said about the doc, being as I doubt he's still alive to find out." Kate stopped dead as Sawyer said this and looked at him distinct fear in her eyes.

"What do you mean?" She said dangerously. Sawyer obviously caught her tone of voice as he answered seriously for once:

"There was a cave in, the Doc's trapped they couldn't get him out." He said, although to Alexa, he really didn't sound all that bothered.

Kate didn't even reply she just passed Sawyer the bottle rocket and ran off back in the direction which they had come.

Alexa assumed it was safe to come out now, but she was trying to process what she had just heard. She would never get Sawyer, he was so complicated, he could say one thing and mean another, like at the moment she had no idea if he actually meant what he said to Kate about her, or was just using her as ammunition to fire at Kate. Thinking about what she knew about Sawyer and how he obviously was into Kate she was pretty sure that the latter was most likely and the former was just wishful thinking. Alexa once again tried to tell herself that she didn't care, but that lie had ceased to work ever since the night she had admitted there maybe there was something she felt for Sawyer, even if she wasn't sure what it was yet.

Alexa shifted uncomfortably trying to figure out whether to reveal herself or not, doing so might result in another argument and Alexa didn't think she wanted another delve into all her ignored emotions. Unluckily for her Sawyer seemed to have realised something was amiss as he made his was cautiously to where she was stood he had his gun pointed in her direction. Alexa found her breathing increasing in slight fear that he might accidentally shoot her so she decided to speak and make her presence known thinking it the safest option.

"Sawyer you weren't actually planning on shooting me were you? I know I can be a pain sometimes but isn't that a bit extreme?" She joked "And you called me touchy!" He lowered his gun a smile on his face.

"Didn't know it was you Lex, if you hadn't been hiding then I wouldn't have even had that problem."

"Sorry I didn't want to interrupt you. You looked like you were thinking, and I know what a rare occurrence that is for you." Her voice was light and Sawyer laughed. Alexa found herself thinking that he was the only person she could joke like this with; the others either didn't get it or just got insulted.

"What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were going up the mountain with the Arab."

"Left my bag behind." She said pointing at her bag by his feet "He's probably there by now anyway, so I may as well just wait here, that's if you can put up with the company?"

"Hmm yes that is going to be hard Lex. I think you'll have to give me compensation for that." Alexa looked at him judging his expression and she saw his amusement.

"What did you have in mind?" She said with a raised eyebrow. Sawyer just winked at her she rolled her eyes, before finding herself on the floor next to him.

"Did you really have to do that?" She questioned

"Compensation means you have to sit here with me Lex. Think you can cope with that?" he asked

"I could certainly think of worse places to be." She thought but realising she said it out loud she looked at Sawyer's almost Cheshire cat grin, and hit him in the arm playfully.

They sat in companionable silence, but Alexa thoughts kept returning to Sawyer's conversation with Kate, and she couldn't keep it in.

"Can I ask you something?" She asked.

"You just did." She gave him a condescending look before she continued.

"The thing is, I heard your conversation with Kate." She mumbled

"Hell Alexa, why can't you keep your nose out of other people's business?" Sawyer saw her hurt look "I don't mean it like that Lex. It's just that was between Freckles and myself."

"Oh I could see that much. That why you kept using me in there?" She asked angrily

"What do you want me to say Lex?" He asked

"Oh God I don't know." She said pushing her face into her hands and wishing she hadn't brought it up. In truth she wanted him to make it easy, to say that he meant everything he said, and he truly did think Alexa was better than Kate was, or at least meant more to him than her. The other part of her was afraid that he'd just laugh and tell her he was only saying that to get at Kate and Alexa didn't think she could take that. Even thinking it was hurting her. To hear him say it would be so much worse.

"Tell me the truth." She said eventually, Sawyer looked slightly shocked at her answer and he wouldn't meet her eyes.

"When I figure that out Lex you'll be the first one to know." He said cryptically, Alexa was irritated she hadn't got anything she needed to ease her worries but there was one nagging question. Luckily she didn't need to ask it as Sawyer answered for her.

"Lex, Just know this ok, whatever happens I'll always be there. I just need some time to work things out at the moment, and I'm guessing you do too." She nodded at him, and the pain in her heart seemed to lessen as if hearing him say these words gave her hope. Hope for what though? Alexa wasn't sure, nor was she sure she was ready to know the answer. Instead she laid her head back onto Sawyer's chest where it had been laying before and she closed her eyes. Sawyer would wake her once Sayid's bottle went off, she trusted him.

_Of course Alexa was back once again, the cemetery stood before her, but this time the figure was further away and she took her time making her way towards the grave she had been to so many times before. It was raining again, and Alexa knew at least that was right, the scene was different this time though; the figure no longer stood alone, instead about five figures stood all dressed in black four holding umbrellas. The figure she normally watched stood detached from the rest and although she couldn't define any features, she somehow knew that the figure's tears were being hidden by the rain. The figure laid roses onto the grave, and stood for a moment longer, before moving away and letting the other figures move forward. Unlike the one before, all four were crying loudly and they laid lilies on the grave. Lilies, why had they brought lilies? Did they not know her at all? The thought came out of nowhere and to Alexa it seemed incredibly angry. She looked towards the figure, but their features were still indistinguishable. _

_FLASH_

_The scene had changed and it was the house, but Alexa was looking in from the outside, everything looked different, no one stood in the house, but she felt the wind whip her hair and the cold made her shiver. The single light in the window was blown out, but the embers seemed to glow slightly as if they were waiting to be rekindled, and although Alexa still stood within a terrifying sense of darkness there was some sort of freedom. _

"_Everything will be ok Alexa. No matter what…" Alexa found herself sad as the words whispered themselves in the wind, but she found herself replying anyway._

"_I'll never forget. No matter what……"_

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Please feel free to leave a review i love to get them, and give me your opinion on the story. Hope you enjoyed. 


	8. Chapter 8

**AN**

Ok the biggest thanks to arwen1982 for reviewing chapter 7, really glad you liked it so much, hope you enjoy this one just the same. My Beta claims it is the best yet, anyway on the point thanks once again to my Beta for being the best help ever.

Ok just a few points for this chapter, i haven't actually seen the episode 'Confidance Man' which is when this chapter occurs, so it is hopefully ok, even though it is AU. And secondly this is not the end,I realise just how final this chapter seems when you read it, but this is not the last. Lastly please please review i really love to know what you guys think of this story. Anyway hope you enjoy

Disclaimer: OkI obviously don't own the TV show 'Lost' or any of the characters, quotes or plotlines you may recognize from the series.

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**Chapter 8**

Alexa had awoken earlier to find Sawyer shaking her, it seemed that he had set off the rocket and switched on the antenna, and the only thing they could do now was make their way back to camp and wait for Sayid to return with news. Sawyer and Alexa hadn't even really tried to make conversation on their way back to the beach; they both had things on their mind, and could see that the other was not ready for conversation.

Alexa's thoughts dwelt on the man in front of her as they wordlessly trudged through the undergrowth. Nothing was ever simple with him was it? Before she had been comforted by the fact that he said he would always be there, and in a way she still was, but part of Alexa longed for more than that. Sawyer was right though, he couldn't care for her, she knew that, so why her mind constantly tortured her with thoughts of things that would never be she did not know. They were just friends. Just what she needed: another friend.

Arriving back on the beach, Alexa wondered why her heart felt so heavy. She should be happy that she and Sawyer had made up, and that she had a friend she could trust. Deep inside Alexa knew the truth, the night she admitted to herself that she felt more for Sawyer, now seemed to be only pain filled. At the time; when her death had seemed imminent, it had seemed like a good idea; that she should finally stop running. So she had; she had stopped and faced her emotions head on, but that decision was now haunting her. She no longer had the ability to lie to herself as she had before, her denial which was built up with years of practice seemed to have faded, and everything she had ignored for so long was resurfacing.

Alexa looked up to see Kate walk into the jungle, and wondered if she should ask her if Jack was ok, so she headed after her.

"Hey Kate." Kate turned and looked at Alexa

"Oh hey Alexa." Kate's voice wasn't filled with enthusiasm and Alexa wondered if it had anything to do with her argument with Sawyer, in which Alexa's name had been mentioned. Kate began to look around and Alexa realised she was collecting banana's.

"You need a hand?" Alexa asked

"Sure, if you want." Alexa just nodded and began to help Kate look around for the fruits. After a couple of minutes of general chatter in which Alexa found that Charlie had saved Jack, Alexa and Kate were back to the comfortable friendship they had had before, and Kate just laughed at Alexa who had just tripped over a tree root and was now lying on the ground.

"Oh yes hilarious." Alexa said sarcastically, before getting to her feet. Kate had stopped moving and had picked up something from the sand. It was the old copy of 'Watership Down' which Sawyer and Alexa had read together a few days ago. Alexa realised that it literally was only three days ago when that had happened, and she felt sad that they had no chance to finish it, before wondering; if the book was here, where was Sawyer?

Both Kate and Alexa seemed to have the same idea as they look over to the water to see Sawyer swimming. Alexa blushed slightly as she noticed his lack of clothing, before turning to Kate and raising an eyebrow, receiving a short laugh in return. Sawyer made his way over to them, with his trademark smirk.

"Like what you see?" he questioned, Alexa quirked an eyebrow in an 'as if' gesture trying to fight off her laughter at Sawyer's non-too-subtle flirting techniques. Kate on the other hand just frowned at him giving Alexa a slightly disapproving look before speaking.

"Do your tactics work on all the girls?" Kate questioned disgustedly but she shot a meaningful glance at Alexa, who very maturely stuck her tongue out at Kate behind her back. Sawyer caught the gesture and it seemed he couldn't hold in his amusement as he laughed slightly before winking at Alexa. Kate didn't seem to find it amusing as she snatched the bananas from within Alexa's arms and stalked off back towards the jungle. Alexa watched her go, not entirely bothered by her abrupt departure, and turned back towards Sawyer who had just shrugged on a Navy shirt.

"What's eating her?" Sawyer asked, indicating the direction in which Kate had walked off

"Not sure, don't think she really approves of us." Alexa caught Sawyer's eye as she tried to sound seriously upset about it but failed miserably as they both burst out laughing. She leaned against Sawyer as tears of laughter formed, and Sawyer looked down at her. Sawyer grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the jungle, Alexa looked slightly apprehensively at the trees remembering the last time she was in there with Sawyer.

"Come on Lex." Sawyer said

"It's just…."

"Don't worry about it Lex, I'll be there, what's the worst that could happen?" Alexa didn't bother replying as she followed after Sawyer, but she couldn't help but think hadn't she said that last time? And look how that had turned out.

After a while, Alexa realised they were heading towards Sawyer's stash; the one he had shown her last time they were here, and the same time Kate had inadvertently injured Alexa. She wondered what Sawyer could want here this time, but decided it would be pointless to ask, because she knew him well enough to recognize that he wouldn't tell her. As they got nearer to the spot Alexa remembered from last time she heard some rustling, as if someone was looking for something, and then some muttered curses under their breath.

Alexa looked nervously at Sawyer trying to judge his reaction, and watched his eyes darken as Boone came into view searching through Sawyer's stuff. Alexa saw the anger in Sawyer's face and had no idea what to do. She was afraid that Sawyer wouldn't even give Boone the chance to explain himself before he beat him into a bloody pulp. Boone looked up and caught sight of Alexa and then his eyes moved to Sawyer, the disgust he had got at seeing Alexa was quickly replaced with fear at seeing Sawyer.

Alexa moved backwards and watched as Sawyer advanced on Boone, they exchanged words, but Alexa didn't catch what they were, and suddenly Sawyer had punched Boone in the face. Their fight grew more vicious and Alexa could no longer stand by, she knew Boone would hate her for coming to his defence but she was unwilling to allow Sawyer to nearly kill Boone, and allow him to become more hated. She moved closer and shouted at Sawyer.

"Sawyer, stop this! Killing Boone isn't going to get you anywhere! Just stop this!" Sawyer just sent her a quick glance but focused back on his fight as Boone's fist caught him in the jaw.

"Stay out of this Alexa." He growled. The tone in Sawyer's voice was clear, but Alexa was past caring she moved swiftly in front of Sawyer, who was just about the crash his fist into Boone's face, she caught his fist, and looked straight into his eyes, challenging him. He stopped what he was doing, but Alexa was caught off guard as a sharp pain hit the left side of her skull. Boone had hit at her from behind.

She didn't know whether he had intended to get Sawyer, or if this was some evil form of revenge for something that she had inadvertently done to Boone. Whatever it was; it was a bad move.

Sawyer watched as Alexa sank to the ground clutching her head in obvious agony. He rounded on Boone again, smashed his fist hard into Boone's face, and was about to do so again, when he felt a gentle hand touch his shoulder.

"Sawyer, please…." He looked at her incredulously, he was still angry, angry at Boone for going through his stuff, angry at Alexa for getting involved, but mostly angry at himself for letting her get hurt, and for letting his pride get in the way now, and instead of helping her he just stormed away.

Alexa watched helplessly as Sawyer stormed off into the jungle. Her head was pounding, and she reached to the left of her skull and gingerly touched the source of the pain, her hand came away to reveal blood, and as she looked down at Boone, she realised he hadn't used his fist to hit her, he had grabbed at a log. No wonder it was hurting like hell. She realised she was going to have to go see Jack, and, once again looking down towards Boone who was struggling to his feet, so was he.

Alexa moved over to Boone and helped him to his feet. He pulled away from her, but then swayed dangerously on his feet and would have nearly fallen again, if it weren't for Alexa who had reached out and steadied him. He tried to pull away again but Alexa wouldn't let him. He turned and shouted at her angrily.

"I don't need your help!" he screamed

"Sure you don't." Alexa said sarcastically. In truth Alexa was tired and in pain, she really didn't want have to deal with Boone at the moment, he was being stubborn and acting like a child.

"Just leave me alone." He shouted he then added a long string of curses most of them calling Alexa a bitch and words along those lines. Alexa just gritted her teeth and dragged Boone with her in the direction of the caves. The caves were about half a mile away and Boone was leaning heavily on Alexa by this time, both their breathing was laboured. Alexa's head pounded and she was getting dizzier by the minute. Her ribs also burned as Boone weight rested heavily against her. Alexa was determined that she was going to get both Boone and herself to the caves.

They both struggled on, and a journey that would have normally taken them about fifteen minutes was reaching towards an hour. Neither one of them had talked except for the occasional mumbling of curse words on the part of Boone at which Alexa couldn't even be bothered to roll her eyes. Ten minutes later both Alexa and Boone stumbled into the caves completely exhausted. Sayid and Jack looked up from where they were talking and both quickly rushed over. Jack took Boone and led him to the water, whilst Sayid let Alexa lean against him and gently moved her over to sit next to Boone.

Jack was talking to Boone and asking what had happened, but Alexa wasn't really catching a lot of what they were saying being as most of her concentration was taken up with the pain on the left of her head. Sayid appeared at her side with a wet cloth in his hand which he gently pressed to the side of her head. She winced as the cold water touched the tender spot.

"Did Sawyer do this to you?" Sayid questioned quietly, Alexa jerked away from his hand at that statement

"What! No, of course not! Sawyer would never do something like that!" Sayid looked slightly disbelieving:

"Then who did this. You cannot have done this yourself." Sayid said

"No kidding." She said sarcastically

"Alexa who…" Alexa cut him off

"I was getting to that; my head injury is due to the Boy Wonder over there." She said indicating Boone with her hand.

"Boone did this to you" Sayid said shocked as his hand dropped from her head where he had been holding the cloth.

"That is what I just said, is it not?" She said tetchily. She grabbed the cloth out of Sayid's hands and held it to her head again; Sayid shot her a glance as he made his way over to Jack. Jack seemed to look disbelievingly at Sayid before walking over to Alexa. He didn't say anything as he removed the cloth and looked at the wound at the side of her head.

"It's not too deep luckily. I'll give you some painkillers but it's going to hurt like hell for a few days. You might want to rest a bit to stop you being dizzy aswell." Jack said. Alexa thought about what Jack said: rest. She doubted any of that would come especially with the dreams she was used to getting nowadays.

"Sayid told me that you said Boone did this to you. Are you sure you weren't just confused I'm sure that…." Alexa angrily cut Jack off

"Am I sure what? That it wasn't Sawyer who did this? No I'm sure Sawyer was stood right in front of me I just stopped him from nearly killing Boone, when Boone hit me in the back of the head." She said this to Jack but looked angrily at Boone who was sat but a few metres to her left. Jack was looking at her wound again.

"But Alexa, a wound this size can't have been made by someone's fist, especially with the amount of damage there is."

"I never said it was a fist, he hit me with a log, I was lucky it wasn't harder, it could have knocked me unconscious." She said. Sayid and Jack were shooting each other looks, and Alexa knew they still thought Sawyer was responsible.

"For god's sake guys, I'm telling the truth! Sawyer didn't do this to me. Why would I lie about it? Sawyer is my friend he would never hurt me like that." She said frustrated

"Sawyer's is nobody's friend. He just uses people." Sayid said darkly

"I know you and Sawyer have a problem with each other, but that doesn't mean he has a problem with me. I trust Sawyer, and I saw with my own eyes that he didn't do this. It was Boone." Alexa was just plain tired by now, she didn't want to argue anymore, but she couldn't stand the thought of them believing that Sawyer would do this. Why couldn't they believe it was Boone; it was obvious he hated her. The least Boone could have done was come up with a better lie; something like it was an accident, not something that she was going to so obviously contest. She looked over at Boone and caught his hateful glare at her and then Sayid and Jack's cautious glances in her direction, and she realised. Boone had done this knowing that they would believe him over her, knowing that it would destroy any credibility she had left.

Alexa laid her head on the hard ground trying to listen to Jack's advice about getting rest, but she was so angry at Boone. What had she done to deserve his hatred? Sure there had been the thing with Shannon, but Shannon had forgiven her, why couldn't he. There had to be something more than this. Alexa just couldn't for the life of her work out what. In truth at the moment her anger was clouding her normally better perception skills and part of her wished she had just let Sawyer punch the living day lights out of Boone. Thinking of Sawyer was hard too. She hadn't been scared of him today which surprised her, as she knew Boone had. Maybe it was because she trusted him and trusted that he would never physically hurt her. Emotionally, well that was different entirely. He had already done that, and was continuing to do so. Even at the moment the fact that he had not stayed was tormenting her, as she wondered if he would have stayed for Kate. She tried to shake the thoughts as she drifted into a once again troubled sleep.

_The room around her was dark and cold, and the candle which her eyes instinctively looked for was not on the sill where she expected, instead her eyes scanned the room searching to pinpoint where the candlelight was coming from. In the corner of the room it hung as if suspended, it was only after Alexa's eyes grew more accustomed to the light did she realise someone was holding it, and that it was that someone who had moved the candle from its proper place. The light was not strong enough to allow Alexa to see the figure holding it, to see the figure that lurked in the shadows, and the figure that she knew was always waiting somewhere in her mind. This time no wind whistled through the windows, and instead Alexa saw the figure lean forward and blow the candle out, once again leaving Alexa in the darkness, and the sound of sinister laughter echoed slightly around the room and Alexa shivered as terror crept up her spine._

_FLASH_

_The scene was this time the cemetery, but something was wrong, something was very wrong. This time there was no figure, and there were no flowers, there was no rain and the clouds were just grey and dull. The whole cemetery seemed to be bathed in a strange sadness, a ghostly sadness, no wind moved her hair, there was no noise, and Alexa realised just how haunting the scene before her was. She made her way over to the grave in the hopes of finally seeing what written, finally gaining closure, but as she grew nearer she watched as the letters peeled off and disappeared as if they had never been there to begin with. Alexa felt despair and true terror, she did not truly know what she was afraid of, but just being here was wrong. Suddenly Alexa watched shocked as writing began to appear on the headstone as if an invisible hand were etching into the stone and Alexa read the words._

'_Trust me when I say it is all going to be ok.'_

_Alexa started at the words and smiled, and at the point rain began to fall around her thunder roared in the distance and a black figure dissolved into view and laid roses by the headstone, and Alexa turned ready to finally read what was written ….._

Alexa jerked awake as a hand shook her shoulder, she blinked her eyes to try and focus the face above her, only to see Jack with Kate stood behind him worriedly.

"What….Jack…what do you want?" She tried to mutter coherently hoping that they understood.

"Alexa come on quick we'll explain on the way." Alexa took Jack's outstretched arm and he pulled her to her feet. She swayed slightly, but caught her balance, and followed after Jack and Kate who were stood waiting outside. They set a quick pace into the jungle and Alexa struggled to keep up as she tried to work things out through her sleep-addled mind.

"Guys….guys do you mind telling me what's going on." Kate looked at Jack before replying.

"It's Shannon; she has asthma and doesn't have her inhalers. Boone says that Sawyer has them which is why he was going through his stuff this morning." Kate explained rapidly.

"Ok, but where do I come into this?" Alexa asked. Kate looked at Jack as if unwilling to reply to Alexa's question.

"Sawyer won't tell us where the inhalers are. So Sayid…." Jack didn't finish his sentence and Alexa felt the first fluttering of fear in her heart, what had happened

"Jack what happened? What did Sayid do?" Kate obviously caught the distress in Alexa's voice as she shot an angry glance at Jack who wasn't answering.

"Sayid and Jack tied Sawyer to a tree, and Sayid used some interrogation method that he learnt in Iraq, but Sawyer wouldn't talk. Then Sayid threatened Sawyer with a knife, Sawyer said he would talk; but only to you." Kate finished. Alexa tried to take in everything Kate had said, Sayid had 'interrogated', Sawyer, and Alexa knew enough to work out what this meant.

They arrived at the beach and Alexa was in whirl of emotions. She didn't know what to think. She had trusted Sayid completely; until this morning when he disregarded her in favour of Boone, and to now hear that he had done this to someone… She didn't know what to think anymore, she didn't want to lose Sayid's friendship, but she wasn't sure if she could trust him anymore. And without trust Alexa didn't want to keep up pretence of friendship.

The other part of her mind was occupied with thoughts of Sawyer: Was he alright? Why wasn't he giving them Shannon's medicine? Why had he left her when she was hurt? Part of Alexa rejoiced that he had asked for her, and not for Kate; but another part wondered why. Once again Alexa didn't know what to think, she was worried for Sawyer, but part of her was afraid to trust him as well.

As Kate and Jack led her further down the beach she couldn't help but stop and stare at the scene on front of her. Sawyer was tied to a tree and his face showed momentary flashes of pain every now and then. In front of him stood Sayid knife in hand holding it hazardously close to Sawyer's arm. Alexa realised whatever else when she thought of Sayid after this point, part of her would remember the scene directly in front of her, that part of her would question him. Alexa was saddened by this, because she doubted that she and Sayid would ever be what they once were. She involuntarily shivered slightly as she looked on and Kate shot her a questioning glance:

"This is too scarily similar to before." She whispered loud enough for Jack and Kate to hear; Kate just looked confused but it seemed Jack had realised what she said and he shot her an apologetic glance.

Alexa walked over to Sawyer and Sayid, Jack behind her.

"Untie him Sayid, Alexa is here." Sayid looked towards Alexa, and she deliberately met his gaze, whatever he saw in her eyes made him look away and quickly.

"He can stay right where he is" Sayid said stubbornly, Alexa didn't say anything she just moved closer to Sawyer leaving Kate, Jack and Sayid to argue.

"Hey" She whispered as she moved in closer

"Hey Lex." He said quietly back

"I'd ask you how you were doing but under the circumstances I'm guessing it's not appropriate" She jokingly whispered back "What's this about Sawyer? Why don't you just give them the inhalers?" She asked serious again. Sawyer lifted an eyebrow at her before replying:

"You know me Lex; I don't do anything for free." He said.

"I would assume that your freedom would be payment enough." She replied. Sawyer just looked at her and that's when Alexa realised, and couldn't believe no one else had. He didn't have the damn inhalers to begin with. She wanted to shout at him for being so stupid, but nobody would believe her unless it came from Sawyer himself. So instead she just leaned nearer.

"I know Sawyer." She whispered in his ear.

"I know you do Lex. Why do you think I asked for you?" Alexa felt her heart sink slightly, she had hoped there were other reasons other than the fact that she could read people, but he continued "I knew you were only one who understood me enough to figure it out." He whispered again

"What did you ask in exchange for the information with Kate?" she whispered once again, even in the situation Alexa's close proximity to Sawyer was making her heart race, and she was pretty sure if it started beating any louder that the whole beach was going to hear it. Sawyer didn't question how she knew about Kate he just replied his voice growing slightly deeper:

"A kiss." He whispered as the lips grew closer

"Is one from me good enough?" Alexa whispered

"Better." Sawyer said just before his lips pressed to Alexa's.

Alexa couldn't believe what she was doing, she tried to concentrate, they were just friends right? But the kiss grew deeper and Alexa thoughts grew muddled as the only thing she could concentrate on was the feel of Sawyer's lips on hers. He made her forget her sadness, her despair, her anger, the only thing she could think of was that she didn't want the kiss to end; she didn't want Sawyer's lips to leave hers, she didn't want this feeling deep within her to leave. They pulled away both breathless and Alexa stared at Sawyer and she felt hope, some part within her truly did believe that maybe it would all be ok.

"You were right Alexa, I don't have the inhalers, the copy of 'Watership Down' we were reading washed up on the shore." She just nodded at Sawyer and gave him a small smile which he returned before heading over to Sayid, Kate and Jack.

"Well…." Kate said impatiently

"He doesn't have them. He never did. The book washed up on the shore, Boone just jumped to conclusions." Jack looked shocked but Kate and Sayid only looked angry.

"I don't believe you. He's lying."

Sayid pushed Alexa out of the way as he made his way over to Sawyer, knife in hand still furious. Alexa quickly moved over to way Sawyer had been before; it looked as if Sawyer had worked his way free of his ropes. Alexa looked on in horror as Sayid charged at Sawyer wielding his knife at him.

"No!" She screamed, but it was too late, Sayid's knife had already reached its target. She rushed to Sawyer's side and looked at the knife in his shoulder; she then stared at Sayid eyes wide in disbelief. Jack had rushed over just after Alexa, he looked at the wound and realised just how much blood Sawyer was losing. Alexa stared as the blood fell freely from Sawyer's wounds and realised that Sayid had hit a main artery; Sawyer could die if Jack couldn't stop the blood flow. She felt tears come to her eyes, and she took Sawyer's hand and looked at him.

"Hey don't cry Lex. I promised I'd always be there right?" he said but his voice steadily got weaker and he fell into unconsciousness. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she looked at the pale form of Sawyer

"Don't make promises you can't keep." She whispered, virtually to herself as she knew that them man lying before her could not hear.

"Sayid, Alexa quickly run to camp I need medical supplies." Sayid looked like he was about to object "Now." Jack said with authority as he set about pinching the artery to stop Sawyer bleeding to death

Sayid and Alexa quickly began to run towards the caves, Sayid in front as Alexa had trouble running, as it made her head pound slightly and her ribs still carried their constant ache. Alexa didn't say anything to Sayid because there was too much she needed to say, and at the moment Sawyer's life was too important. Sayid reached the cave seconds before Alexa, they both rushed in and Sayid grabbed one of the bags whilst Alexa swung the other onto her shoulder. They began to head back again, and Alexa was beginning to feel the strain of the speed at which they were running. She didn't stop, and she kept the thought of Sawyer in her mind, to keep her going.

They arrived back on the beach and passed Jack the medical supplies:

"Go" he said to them both. Alexa hesitated looking at Sawyer "I'll fetch you once I'm done." He said to her. Alexa followed Sayid away from Jack and Sawyer reluctantly.

They both moved further down the beach and stopped after a few metres. Alexa didn't look at Sayid nor did she speak, she really had no idea what to say.

"Alexa please, look at me." Sayid said pleadingly. Alexa turned her eyes to Sayid trying to display what she couldn't say with her emotions.

"I'm sorry." He said quietly. Alexa let a hollow laugh before finally speaking.

"You're sorry…." She scoffed "Sorry for what Sayid? Not believing me when I told you the truth? Sorry for torturing Sawyer? Sorry for nearly killing him? Sorry for losing the trust I had in you?" she asked, he just looked slightly angry now.

"Why do you care so much Alexa? I doubt he returns your feelings."

"My feelings are none of your business Sayid." She retorted sharply.

"I didn't mean that Alexa, it's just…" Sayid began,

"Just what Sayid? You don't trust him I get that, but I do Sayid. He has never given me reason not to. You lost the right to comment on my relationships." She said crying slightly now "I trusted you Sayid." She said quietly

"You know why I did it Alexa? I thought he was endangering Shannon's life."

"It doesn't matter Sayid, you may have had the best intentions, but nothing, _nothing _justifies what you did. I don't know what you did in the Republican Guard, or what you went through, but that was in the past. People shouldn't judge you like they do, but that doesn't make what you did right. I never thought of you like that, but you know what Sayid? You've become everything they accused you of being. I would have trusted you with my life Sayid, but now I don't know anymore. I don't want to lose your friendship, but at the moment I'm finding it hard to forgive."

Sayid looked directly into Alexa's eyes as she spoke and they both knew things would never be the same. If they wanted to be friends again they would have to start from the beginning, gaining Alexa's trust was never easy, but have to earn it back, maybe it wasn't possible.

"Alexa" A voice shouted from behind them, they both turned and looked realising that Jack must be done, Alexa set off she stopped and looked over her shoulder at Sayid, and sent him a sad smile, hoping that maybe be she would be able to forgive. She walked over to Jack who smiled at her, and Alexa was instantly relieved knowing that Sawyer was going to be ok. He was awake when she moved over and sat next to him, but by the looks of things he wouldn't be for long.

"Told you I would be fine" he said as he pulled her down so she was lying next to him. She placed her head on his chest and he wrapped his arm around her waist and Alexa realised that he was asleep again. She looked up at him and smiled slightly before closing her eyes, hoping that maybe she would not be haunted by dreams, at least for a little while.

Alexa awoke, for once fully rested, her head was still on Sawyer's chest and she realised he still had an arm around her waist. He was looking at someone to Alexa's left. Alexa twisted her head to see Kate sat reading a piece of paper. She just listened as Kate and Sawyer spoke, and listened as Kate read the letter, Kate was speaking as if Alexa wasn't even there, Alexa wondered if she even noticed that she was awake. Sawyer made it clear that he knew she was there, when Kate read the letter he took her hand gratefully, and she watched as his eyes seemed to remember the past. She listened as Sawyer talked about being 'a confidence man' and understood for once what he had meant when he said 'he wasn't meant to care'.

She knew this was who Sawyer was, but it was not the man she saw or knew, for the man she knew did care no matter how much he wished he didn't. She could only hope that he wouldn't hurt her if he decided that this was the man he actually was, because Alexa didn't want to face the sorrow. She was happy with him there, but part of her was afraid, afraid of what tomorrow would bring, afraid that she would once again be pushed aside when Sawyer decided she really wasn't worth his time, afraid to be hurt again.

As Alexa lay on the beach with Sawyer, the world moved on around them. Sayid told Kate he had to leave, that he couldn't deal with the guilt, and Kate watched Sawyer and Alexa and hoped Alexa knew what she was letting herself in for.

Alexa watched as Sawyer stared at the letter in front of him, the letter he had written to his parents murderer, and part of her wondered why he had become the man he had hated for so long, but another part understood, just as part of her always seemed to when it was Sawyer. He flicked his lighter, as if moving to burn it, but Alexa watched as he flicked it closed again and then folded the letter back up.

"You ok?" she asked quietly. Sawyer seemed touched by her genuine concern as he pulled her close.

"Yer Lex, I'm fine." He replied.

For once Alexa stopped being afraid of what tomorrow would bring, and instead she appreciated the blessing that today had brought. She looked out to the ocean and whispered into the wind knowing that the intended recipient where ever they were would hear her words.

"Guess you were right…..maybe it's going to be ok after all….."

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Please leave a review i would appreciate it so much.


	9. Chapter 9

**AN**

Ok hey Guys, first a big thanks to the two reviewers of chapter 8. Richard Starkey i'm glad you liked the story, andI have no idea what a C2 is, but please go ahead. And to padfoot1979, thanks so much for reviewing,I really like the feedback, i'm glad you like the characterizations, as i do try hard to keep my characters as real as possible. Ok thanks once again to my Beta for correcting my never ending grammer mistakes,I should also apologise to herbecauseI have started the previous sentence with an 'And' which I have been told is a crime in itself.

So please please **review** I really do love hearing what you think.

Oh and also once againI apologise for any mistakes in this story to do with the corresponding episode. Hope you enjoy and please review.

Disclaimer: Once againI neither own nor ever will any of the characters, quotes or plotlines you may recognise from the show 'Lost'.

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**Chapter 9**

This was stupid, she knew it now, and she had known it then, yet still she was determined to go against all her better judgement, on this ridiculous expedition which was likely to get her and her companion killed. Not that she had asked him to come. No, she certainly hadn't; in fact she had gone out of her way to not mention her plan, knowing that he wouldn't approve. Of course anyone with more than two brain cells would disapprove, but had that deterred her? No of course it hadn't, she still had to come out here and try anyway.

She hadn't slept in two days, and it had certainly begun to show. Everyone she talked to that morning had told her she looked like hell. The last time she had slept was when Sawyer had been injured, and for once she truly had rested, without being troubled by disturbing dreams. Every time she tried to get to sleep now, she was invaded by images of Sayid, alone and in the jungle. Sayid hurt and in pain. Part of her knew it was her guilt that was driving away her reasoning, after all Sayid could look after himself, but she wasn't sure she could take any more of this. She needed to ease her mind, she needed some respite. It was selfish and she knew it. She wasn't coming out here with Sayid's best interests; she was coming with only thoughts of herself in mind.

She had planned it well, or so she thought. She would leave when everyone was busy, and try and follow Sayid's path down the coast. She hadn't planned on what to do when and if she found him, she thought about convincing him to come back with her, but part of her mind told her it was betrayal, so instead she just avoided thinking about it, and focused on making sure he was ok. Of course even the best made plans have their flaws and Alexa had strategically ignored the great gaping flaw that was Sawyer.

Of course, if someone was going to notice her actions it would be him. Neither of them had spoken about what had occurred couple of days ago, and that was how Alexa liked it. Avoidance was a well-practiced technique. The problem with that being there, however, was that no matter how easy their manner towards each other, however comfortable they acted, there was something unspoken between them and it was creating distance.

Sawyer was not the only one acting distant. Kate had strategically avoided talking to her too. As soon as Alexa walked onto a stretch of beach within ten yards of her, she would come up with an excuse to leave. In all honesty Alexa wasn't really that bothered. Sometimes Kate's company provided a welcome distraction from her generally disturbing thoughts, but most of the time there was really nothing they had to say to each other.

The other major problem Alexa faced was Boone. It seemed no matter what Alexa did he was determined to make it as difficult as possible for her, without it being obvious to the others. As for Shannon, Alexa didn't think she had ever met anyone so absolutely different from herself. It was as if Shannon shut her eyes to everything bad that was happening, and Alexa found it so hard to find any common ground for them to talk about, she had eventually given up.

As her lack of sleep began to take its toll, Alexa had concocted her plan, as a last ditch effort to find some peace. She had avoided telling Sawyer, yet she now knew he had suspected all along. She obviously wasn't as cunning as she led herself to believe, either that or Sawyer knew her better than anyone else ever had. The second of those two options provided a certain amount of comfort, but Alexa wasn't ready yet to delve inside and find out why.

That was how she had ended up here, trekking down the beach, in the hopes of happening upon something that could lead them to Sayid. Sawyer was far from joyous at actually looking for him, from what Alexa could see he wouldn't be overly bothered if he was already dead. She wondered why he had come, but the part of her that actually held her tiny shred of confidence knew; he had come for her. She was glad that he felt the need to protect her, but she hadn't wanted him drawn into this. It was her endeavour, however foolish, and she didn't want Sawyer to have to pay the price for it.

She was tired, but then again she had been tired for the last two days. She knew they would have to stop because Sawyer would need some sleep, and also it was probably dangerous to travel the island at night. Not that they were exactly defenceless. She also didn't want to miss any clues that could lead them to Sayid, he was probably fine, but Alexa needed to be sure. After another half an hour they stopped and Sawyer lay down to sleep, Alexa simply sat staring at the ocean, she knew if she did fall asleep then she would dream, and it would bring her no true rest.

"Lex? You still awake?" He questioned after a while.

"Yep. Can't sleep." She answered simply.

"Seems to be happening a lot recently" He observed, she just nodded, wondering if he could even see her gesture before muttering:

"Stupid dreams. Stupid conscience."

"Alexa maybe you should at least try. I don't want you fainting from exhaustion, especially since your so damned set on finding that Arab." He commented.

"You're probably right, but then again I never was too good at listening to good advice." She said remembering once again the hospital room and the dying figure.

"Feel like talking about" He asked.

"Someday….maybe…." She answered faintly.

"It's not just going to go away Lex. There has to be a reason it's haunting you so much." He said sensibly.

"I know. I just don't think I can deal with it right now, there's just too much stuff. I just hope maybe finding Sayid will help." She replied.

"I hate to be a pain …" Alexa cut him off;

"No you don't."

"Ok well maybe I don't, but even if finding the Arab does help, which I have no idea why it would, it'll only be temporary. These dreams aren't just gonna go away."

Alexa knew Sawyer was right, and she really wished he wasn't, but after so long of running, Alexa was finding it hard to stand and face the things she had turned her back on for so long. A single tear slipped down her face, Alexa hoped Sawyer hadn't seen it, but by the looks of things he had.

"Lex, come here." He said gently. She acquiesced and moved closer, he reached up and wiped the tear from her cheek, and then wrapped his arms around her. He slept and she relished in the comfort that being in his arms brought her. She couldn't sleep, but the feeling of being safe and cared for, relieved some of the exhaustion. He awoke a while later and they got ready to set off again. Sawyer asked if she had gotten any sleep, and for a second she thought of lying just to make him happy, but she knew he would see through her, so instead she just replied with a simple shake of her head.

As they set off, Alexa looked across at Sawyer and saw his face was set with determination. He shouldn't be here she realised. Sayid had tortured him for gods sake and here she was dragging him into the unknown after a man who he hated and had almost killed him, just so she could fill some moral duty she seemed to have given herself. She argued with herself, she should just head back now, she should just stop and turn around, whilst they were both unharmed. She knew they should, so why couldn't she? Alexa had no answer, but she had to give him the chance; she just had to.

She stopped and he moved on ahead before realising that she wasn't by his side.

"Lex, come on." He said impatiently.

"I can't do this to you Sawyer" she struggled out "We should…we should go back, this is stupid." She finished lamely.

"I coulda told you that Lex." He laughed "But we ain't heading back, just cos you know I hate the Arab. Cos I ain't doing this for him Lex, I'm doing this for you, cos however hard I tried to say otherwise, you mean something to me, and I'm not willing to lose that. I know you need this so come on, lets go find the bloody Arab and get it over and done with." Alexa smiled and laughed before moving over and grabbing Sawyer's hand as they began to walk again.

She couldn't begin to comprehend this; he was truly willing to come with her, to find a guy he hated and was virtually mortal enemies with, just to set her mind at ease. She couldn't believe he was willing to do this for her; for her; not for Kate but for her. The distance that was between them didn't seem so great anymore, and part of her began to believe that maybe even in the darkest of times there could be some good, maybe it would work out just as she hoped. She looked around at the island and then at Sawyer. Or then, maybe it wouldn't.

They had yet to find any sign of Sayid, and they were virtually travelling blind. Neither of them was expert at knowing what they were looking for, so they were just hoping that maybe something would become evident soon. Then again if Sayid didn't want to be found, then Alexa had no doubt that he would know how to keep himself hidden. The hours passed and there was still nothing, and Alexa got the feeling that Sawyer was regretting his decision; oh yes he cared, but only up to a certain point.

Suddenly he stopped and he just looked at Alexa. She held his gaze, but couldn't decipher what she saw there.

"I think we gotta head back Lex." He said his voice hard, and Alexa wasn't sure she liked the tone.

"Go ahead" She had got so far now she wasn't ready to give up.

"You were right Lex, I ain't gonna risk my neck for some bloody Arab who nearly killed me, we've been walking for hours and as far as I'm concerned he's fine, and if he's not, well, it's not really any loss." Alexa flinched slightly at his words, but they were exactly what she had thought earlier, the strange thing was it was as if some remarkable change had come over Sawyer reverting him back to the man that everyone believed he was, not the man she knew him to be.

"I understand Sawyer, but I can't just give up now. I have to keep going." She said

"Oh right go ahead Lex, just choose the Arab over me why don't you." His voice didn't sound all that serious, but Alexa realised this was an issue haunting him just as much as the issue with Kate was haunting her.

"Sawyer look, it's not like that. I'm not putting one of you before the other I swear it. You don't know how much this is killing me. Part of me wants so much to stop and come back with you and apologise for even trying this in the first place."

"Then listen to it Lex." Sawyer said.

"I can't Sawyer that's the thing because the other part of me, knows I will never get any peace if I just give up now. I can't just leave Sayid to his fate whatever it may be, you may be right, he may be fine, but I can't just leave it. I can't…" She said desperately.

"Sounds to me like your trying to convince yourself here Lex." Sawyer said with a sad shrug. They stared at each other and Alexa realised just how much there truly was that stood between them. No matter what she did, her friendship with Sayid was always going to be an issue, an understandable one, but still an issue. It also worked the other way though, there would always be something there with Kate and him, some kind of connection, and Alexa couldn't trust that Sawyer wouldn't revert to his past and just leave with Kate. Alexa saw that he understood too, and was filled with a deep sadness that stretched to the bottom of her soul. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe they were just too similar. Inside Alexa cried out that this wasn't so, that it could work that they could be together, but for the moment they both needed more time. Alexa only wondered if there would ever be enough time for them, maybe some wounds were just too deep.

Sawyer moved and enveloped her in a hug, and she hugged him back just as tightly. As they broke away Alexa's eyes were filled with tears:

"I get why you have to do this Lex, but do you get why I can't?" He questioned. She just nodded mutely afraid to speak and say something she might regret.

"I don't want to leave you unprotected, but I know you can take care of yourself. Just swear me you'll be careful and remember I promise that I'll always be there." Alexa made no reply as he walked away, and she realised it hurt more for him to leave like this than if he were angry with her, there were no excuses this way.

"Don't make promises you can't keep." She whispered but her words were blown away by the wind, and Alexa turned back with a heavy heart. She wondered how a few days ago she was so filled with hope, but now she was tired, and sad, her hope was buried deep within, and she once again began to fear what tomorrow would bring. There was no deep comforting southern voice anymore to take away the fear, neither were there any flashbacks to the past of a figure she had known so well, a figure she trusted, and who had been there till the day they died.

Alexa had traipsed silently for hours before she found something that had made her stray from her earlier path. She didn't know if it was really a sign of Sayid, but she didn't care; it gave her purpose, so she followed the trail into the jungle. The part of the jungle she found herself in now was completely unknown, Alexa worried about whether she would be to find her way back if she ever found Sayid. She moved deeper in and thought she heard voices from somewhere beneath her. She listened and sure enough a few yards to the right she saw an opening and voices along with the faint sound of music were heard.

Alexa moved closer, still hidden within the undergrowth, she had trouble catching what the voices were saying but the voice seemed to get closer as it spoke:

"Poor Sayid, there are no such thing as monsters" Alexa's heart jumped as the woman's voice said Sayid. He was here, she had found him. Alexa moved backwards slightly as a woman's head appeared and began to climb out holding some weaponry. At that point Alexa heard the roar from a distance. The woman's head turned towards the sound before she headed off in that direction. Alexa let out her breath as the woman moved away, she dreaded to think what would have happened if she had found her.

Alexa stealthily moved to the opening and climbed down she looked around and caught sight of Sayid. It looked like he was sat by the desk bent over his feet, Alexa quickly realised that he had been chained to the desk and it seemed he was trying to break free.

"Sayid" she hissed quietly, Sayid jumped and nearly hit his head on the desk

"Alexa is it you?" he questioned

"Of course it is, who were you expecting the Easter bunny?" She asked annoyed.

"Alexa what are you doing here." He asked

"Coming to your aid, what does it look like?" she said as she moved closer

"That was…." He began.

"Don't lecture me Sayid, I know it was stupid, and I've already lost something important to me because of it." She said bitterly, Sayid looked at her questioningly before setting back to work on his chains.

"Key?" she asked as she watched his painstakingly slow work

"Danielle took it with her." He answered

"By Danielle I'm assuming you mean the crazy woman." She said

"She is Danielle Rousseau; she is the French woman on the transmission." Sayid replied. Alexa was shocked, the woman outside was the same woman who had been playing that signal for 16 years running. She watched as Sayid struggled with the chains, and went to his aid. With them both working Sayid was out after a few minutes, it was only after he stood up that Alexa realised he was injured.

He began to gather as much stuff as possible; Alexa joined in picking up maps and charts from the tables as quickly as possible.

"Come on we have to go now." Alexa said as Sayid searched, he looked at her and nodded, Sayid struggled to leave with his bad leg even with Alexa helping him, and he leaned against as her as they climbed out. In front they heard rustling and the obvious sound of someone's footsteps, and by unspoken agreement they moved into the undergrowth, and watched as Danielle appeared. Sayid rushed out as her back was turned, and asked her to drop her weapon. Alexa silently moved out behind Sayid and stood watching the exchange. There was nothing she could do, but as the French woman caught sight of her, she turned her attention from Sayid and to Alexa.

"I know who you are." She informed her confidently. Alexa was slightly freaked out by the manner at which Danielle had so boldly said that.

"I'm sure you do." Alexa retorted

"They will get you again." She said, and Alexa couldn't help but shiver when Danielle said they "They didn't know your importance before. They won't make the same mistake again." Alexa felt fear fill her, as memories of the dark place in the forest the bone chilling voices, and the flash of silver in the dark. Sayid was staring at Alexa, and she wondered if he could see her fear, Danielle turned back to Sayid and spoke as if Alexa was no longer there.

Sayid dropped his gun as Danielle told him she would allow him to leave but she wouldn't return with them, she turned to walk away but not before looking once more at Alexa, and the cold look in her gaze scared Alexa more than any more of her words could. The woman was crazy there was no truth in her words right? Alexa was having trouble convincing herself, as she allowed Sayid to lean on her as they made there way back to the beach. She had come in search of setting her mind at ease, and in a way she had, but in the process she had lost something that she didn't know if she could regain, and along with that, she also created more questions: questions that needed answers, but Alexa had no idea where to get them.

"What do you think Danielle spoke of when she talked to you?" Sayid asked

"I'm not sure Sayid, but she seemed so certain." Alexa said. Sayid looked just as confused as she felt, but inside she still felt fear, who were they? What did they want?

"Alexa" Sayid began "Thank you, for risking yourself to come for me, thank you."

Alexa just nodded, she was glad she had helped save Sayid, but had it been worth it? She looked at the gratitude in Sayid's face, and realised it had been. She would have never forgiven herself if anything had happened to him and she hadn't been there, she would have forever regretted leaving with Sawyer.

Sayid didn't tell her how stupid she was to come after him, especially when there was a high chance he would have been fine, and Alexa couldn't help but be glad, he understood. She knew as well that on some level he also understood what had happened between her and Sawyer as he questioned her:

"You came here by yourself?"

"For some of the way." She answered unable to keep the sadness from her voice.

"I am sorry Alexa, but even for you I do not think he could have done what you wished." He said, and Alexa knew he understood some of what had gone on.

"I never asked anything of him." She said quietly

"You didn't ask in words, but that isn't your way Alexa, both you and he knew you did not really wish to make this journey alone. You could not have expected him to help me, not after what I did. Think of this Alexa, he got as far as he did for you." Sayid said.

"I don't think I'll ever be enough." She said to Sayid sadly.

"If it is meant to be Alexa then you will know. You told me that once, maybe you should take your own advice." He said lightly.

"Maybe I should Sayid, maybe I should. As for advice, I advise that we stop and rest before we both pass out from exhaustion, or in your case pain." She replied.

They both moved sit down on the beach, to try and rest, but as the wind howled around them, they both heard the whisper of voices on the wind. Alexa turned startled as a voice spoke in her ear, she turned frantic for a minute, but found nothing; she turned to see if Sayid had heard anything but he seemed oblivious. Probably just my imagination she told herself before trying to get some sleep.

She thought of Sawyer for a long time, and had a lot of conflicting emotions. She knew that she longed for more than friendship, and that maybe he did too, but they were going to have to be more open with each other, and Alexa realised she was going to have to tell him about the past. She knew if she wanted her and Sawyer to ever become anything more than friends then she would have to trust him and he would have to return the favour. She knew some of his past, maybe it was time she took a trip down memory lane, but she feared to go down that path, it was somewhere she hadn't been for so long. Alexa found it ironic that she feared both the past and the future. It seemed the only thing she could cope with was the present, and that was so fleeting that maybe it didn't even count. She had avoided looking back for so long, she didn't want regrets, yet she had so many, it seemed avoiding her past had turned out worse in the end, because her history apparently wasn't quite ready to be ignored. She finally drifted off to sleep with fears of what had been and what was to come, with doubts of what she wanted and whether she would get it, but deep inside that tiny flicker of hope struggled to be seen among the blackness of Alexa's despair and……

_Of course she was back, back among the darkness, she looked around for the candle only to realise there was none, all that remained was a tiny glowing ember, and whispers swirled in the wind._

"_They'll get you again Alexa." Said Danielle's voice._

"_You will know if it is meant to be" Said Sayid's voice._

"_We all make mistakes Lex" said Sawyer's voice._

_Alexa twisted trying to find the source of the voices, but instead her ears only met the sound of sinister laughter, triumphant laughter._

_A scene Alexa didn't normally dream came into view she was sat in a garden under a tree, she looked younger and next to her sat another figure; a girl about her age, and they were talking. _

"_It's not the end of the world Lex." The girl said._

"_I know, I just wish, I wish it could have been different."_

"_You always do Lex, that's the thing you can never be happy with what you have, you always expect something bad to happen when things are going well."_

"_That's because bad stuff generally does happen." She answered._

"_I know you don't have the best of luck Lex, but things will turn out ok in the end. You'll see." The voice sounded confident, she heard herself laugh._

"_Glad you're so confident….anyway I have to go I don't want to miss my flight." She said briskly_

"_Wait before you go I have to tell you something….." _

"_Can't it wait?" she asked impatiently. _

"_I suppose so" the voice said reluctantly._

"_I'm so sorry. I should have stayed that day and heard you out, I'm so sorry, please forgive me." She whispered to the now empty darkness._

"_There was nothing to forgive. You just have to forgive yourself." A voice replied, Alexa turned to face the voice which came from behind her but then darkness………_

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Ok guys I know i always ask this but please can you review, please? 


	10. Chapter 10

**AN**

Ok hey guys not much to say here really; sorry it took so long for chapter 10 etc. Ok big thanks to my beta as always the best help ever and of course my reviewers of the last chapter...oh wait never mind.

Anyway please feel free to review this chapter, it's such a great help, and i love to see what you guys think. So please go ahead and Review.

Ok heads up same as the last chapter haven't actually seen the episode sorry for any OOCness (that is so not a word, but never mind)

Disclaimer: Pretty sure you guys know by now that i don't own any of the characters, quotes or plotlines you may recognise from the TV show 'Lost'

**Chapter 10**

Alexa awoke once again from a night of restless dreams. She lifted her eyelids just as the sun was beginning to rise, sat up, brushed the sand from her hair, and stared out East to where the sun was casting a warm red glow. She watched the sunrise, and after a few minutes, turned to look at where Sayid was still sleeping. He was tossing and turning, and by the looks of things it wasn't just her who had been disturbed by dreams. She hoped that at least he would awake more rested than she had, for her dreams had done nothing to drain the exhaustion that sat heavily on her.

Sayid turned once more. Alexa moved over intending to wake him, but as soon as she got near he jerked awake startling Alexa and knocking her backwards, whilst in the process moving his injured leg. Alexa put a hand over her heart which was now beating rapidly:

"What is it with you people and trying to give me heart attacks." She asked. Her question brought a smile to Sayid's face, but he then grimaced as he moved his injured leg once again. Alexa looked down at the torn and bloody flesh fighting the urge to wince.

"That looks painful. You want to see if I have anything to bandage it?" Sayid simply nodded as Alexa delved into her bag, there wasn't really a lot in it, as she hadn't really left prepared for this kind of situation. She grabbed the crumpled up black shirt she had shoved in there the day they arrived - it had been too hot to stay in - and looked at it. It was a nice shirt, however black was not a practical colour for a tropical island and what were the chances of both her and the shirt getting home in one piece? Alexa made a promise to herself, if she ever got out of here, it would be the first thing she would do when she got back to England: buy a new black shirt.

She passed the shirt to Sayid, who deftly wrapped it tightly round his injured leg. Alexa moved to help him stand up.

"Ok where now Columbus?" Alexa questioned lightly.

"Columbus?" Sayid asked amused.

"Well I couldn't think of any more explorers on spec, so Columbus will have to do." Sayid simply laughed as he pointed Alexa down the beach, towards where she supposed he believed camp was. They set off, and after a few minutes Sayid spoke up.

"Columbus was Italian." He stated, Alexa stared at him incredulous,

"Yes. Your point being?" She asked. Sayid simply shook his head, and laughed at something that obviously only he understood. Alexa shook her head as he laughed.

"At least someone is finding this amusing." She muttered under her breath.

They carried on in silence for a while longer; they were not making anywhere near as quick progress as they were when they had both gone the opposite direction. Even with Alexa assisting Sayid his movements were slow, and obviously still quite painful, Alexa's ribs which couldn't be expected to fully heal after just a week or so, were also beginning to ache under the strain.

"Where do you think we are then?" Sayid asked in way of conversation.

"I thought we had already established that, we are on the beach on a tropical island." she said slowly.

"I mean geographically." He said. He obviously hadn't realised that she was being sarcastic and taking him literally.

"Well I have my suspicions." She said.

"You feel like sharing them?" he asked.

"French Polynesia" She said shortly. Sayid looked at her for a second before he really stared to think about her suggestion.

"It makes sense." She supplied as he thought "Ok the plane tried to head back towards Fiji before it crashed right? So we'd be in the right area of the Pacific." He nodded. "Plus Danielle Rousseau; the_ French _Woman and……" Alexa stopped after this she wasn't sure if she really wanted to continue her reasoning. Sayid urged her to continue.

"Ok It sounds kind of odd, but there are lots of strange things that happen on the island right? Well there are also all those rumours about the nuclear weapons testing and stuff in French Polynesia, and ok I'm getting a bit of this off 'Godzilla' but, I don't know it's possible right?" Alexa finished lamely.

"How long have you been thinking of this?" Sayid asked urgently.

"I don't know I guess ever since I realised how long the French woman's signal had been playing." She answered confused.

"Why did you not tell us this?" He asked anger seeping into his voice.

"I didn't think it was important. It was just a suspicion, for all we know I could be at the completely wrong side of the globe with my guess. To be honest I didn't want you guys to think I was more insane than you already do." She finished quietly.

"It is important, any clues to our whereabouts are important, and I cannot speak for everyone but I do not think your insane." He finished, still slightly angry. By this time Alexa was getting angry too. Sayid wasn't playing fair.

"The clues were there all along, its not my fault if I'm the only one who put them together. Anyway for all we know I might be trying to say that two add two equals five." She concluded. Sayid opened his mouth to speak but they both seemed to realise that this argument would get them nowhere so neither of them said another word, although it seemed Alexa had given Sayid a lot to think about.

As always, Alexa found her thoughts straying to someone that seemed to be constantly on her mind. Sawyer. Alexa hoped he had made it back safely, but she couldn't help but dwell on their sad and slightly painful parting. Alexa really had no idea what to do; she just hoped that maybe for once things would turn out ok. She wondered what would happen if they ever got off this island. Would things go back to how they used to be? Alexa found herself knowing that after this, things would never be the same. She had changed, and she wasn't sure if it was for the better.

"We need to stop; neither of us can carry on like this." Sayid stated his voice strained with pain. Alexa nodded and helped Sayid sit down in the sand before sinking down next to him. She sat and tried to regain her breath, but her ribs were burning and it was making deeper breaths painful. Sayid seemed to have noticed her struggled gasps.

"Are you ok?" he asked concerned.

"Fine." Alexa said as her breathing began to settle. "Broken ribs are hell on the lungs." She said jokingly. Sayid nodded at her, though he didn't look convinced, but after a while his gaze softened, and softened into a faraway look, and it was then Alexa realised that he must be thinking of something in the past. She watched his face as his eyes suddenly darkened and his face grew hard once again. He focused on her quickly and then made as if to stand. Alexa hurriedly stood up herself so that she could assist him.

They set off once again; their pace renewed after their short rest, and a comfortable silence allowed both Sayid and Alexa to sink into their own thoughts. This time Alexa's thoughts ran towards her dreams, but also to the words of the French woman the night before. She recalled the chilling gaze of the woman, and the assured way she spoke, as if what she said was not a suspicion but a certainty, and once again Alexa felt fear creeping from the depths of her mind. Alexa found herself hoping that the woman had been wrong, that what she had said had stemmed from the insanity she had obviously suffered from being stuck on this island alone for 16 years…16 years. Then it truly hit Alexa, if the French woman had been here this long what chance did they have of ever getting home. The rest of the world probably thought them dead and gone now.

Alexa felt another pang of sadness as she thought about how few people would realise she was gone. She really had made so little impact on people's lives.

"We're never going to get home are we?" Alexa whispered, really only speaking to herself but she was surprised when Sayid answered.

"You cannot know that Alexa." He replied.

"I know, but if Danielle has been here 16 years with no rescue…" Alexa left her sentence hanging knowing that Sayid would understand what she meant.

"We cannot give up hope Alexa. Someone will find us eventually. Especially if we can find out more about our surroundings; some way to get a message to the outside world." Alexa admired Sayid's strength and resolve, but also his optimism and his unmovable in faith in the thought of rescue. She wished that she had some portion of his hope, of his optimism or some faith in something, just so for once she had something to hold on to. So that there would be some definite light in what seemed to be never ending darkness for her to reach for. She did not feel like trying to reveal to Sayid her pessimism and her doubts about her situation so instead she stated something that she had tried to hold on to always before it had been overcome by her cynical nature.

"Never give up Hope." She whispered. Sayid smiled at her, and they gradually sunk back into the silence that had seemed so predominant on their journey back to camp.

Both Sayid and Alexa struggled onward, their sense of time and distance had faded, and they were moving on simply with the will to get back and warn the others as quickly as possible. Alexa had warned both Jack and Sayid about the possibility of others on the island; but they had simply avoided her warnings. She hoped that this time they would heed her, because there was more to this than met the eye.

Something caught Alexa's eye as they walked, and she turned her head to see what it was. It was then she realised what it was: it was the coin, the lucky coin she had given to Sawyer days ago. She bent down and picked it up, she realised it had to be, firstly it was an English coin, which was why she had been so surprised when she had originally found it. Secondly Sawyer must have passed this way when he went back to camp, he must have accidentally dropped it. Suddenly Alexa thought about it, what if he hadn't dropped it? What if he had just got rid of it? Why would he though, it didn't make any sense, not unless he really was giving up on things between them, or the coin meant nothing to him. Both thoughts saddened Alexa, she had been upset at the thought, that there was so much between Sawyer, that maybe it wouldn't work out, but now, maybe it was already too late, maybe he had already given up hope for them.

Alexa tried to shake the thoughts of Sawyer and concentrate on making their way back to camp. They couldn't be far now. If Sawyer had dropped this on his way back then they couldn't be far away. This thought gave Alexa some newfound energy and she surprised Sayid as she increased her pace slightly. She was hoping to find signs of how close they were, but the whole island looked so bloody similar there was nothing she could recognize that would mark their path. As they covered the next stretch of sand Alexa found something that made her smile, before turning to Sayid with a huge grin.

"Look!" She pointed forward towards the sky "It's smoke, it must be from the signal fire, we can't be far now." They began to move more quickly towards where they saw the smoke, and Alexa began to see figures moving on the beach. She sighed with relief, they had finally made it back.

Alexa moved through the crowd of people questioning she and Sayid. She found Jack towards the back of the crowd looking like he had only just arrived, and as if he had run to get there. She looked up and shot him a relieved smile as he looked at the bandage on Sayid's leg and instantly began questioning Sayid whilst inspecting his injury. Alexa watched as he removed the makeshift bandage; which was the remains of her favourite shirt, and listened closely as Sayid related the tale of Danielle Rousseau to Jack. His face grew grave at what Sayid said, and as Alexa's name was mentioned Jack glared at her before shouting.

"How could you have been so stupid? Leaving on your own, on some damned stupid rescue mission!" he yelled. Alexa was shocked. She had expected lectures but mainly from Sayid, and that she could have coped with. He was her friend and concerned about her safety.

"You could have been killed, and worse you could have got Sayid killed in the process. He can look after himself; there was no need for you to play the hero."

Alexa was fuming by now.

"Great thanks for that Jack." She said sarcastically "I'm not five years old, I can look after myself, and I'm so sorry that I put Sayid in jeopardy by trying to rescue him, because I can see you were going out of your way to be helpful."

"We didn't even know he was in any immediate danger. What you did was reckless and stupid."

"For Gods sake Jack, look around. We're trapped on an island in the middle of nowhere, nobody cares! No my plan may not have been the most logical, but I just did what I had to Jack. I was afraid for Sayid, you didn't have to do anything so what right do you have to lecture me about how I live my life." She managed.

"I'm not lecturing I'm just….." Alexa cut him off. She wasn't just angry now she was upset. Sayid wasn't even bothering to defend her and everyone was just stood around like it was some form of entertainment to see her get shouted out by Jack.

"You know what Jack? Save it, save it for someone who gives a damn. I try to do one damn thing for someone and I get criticized for it. Everything I do is just wrong isn't it? Well you now what I'm through, I give up, find yourself someone else to demean!" Alexa wiped the single tear that had escaped from her cheek and stalked away. People watched her go, and she couldn't help but shout at them.

"Oh go find some other bloody person to stare at!" She barked.

By the time she had reached further down the beach her angered had abated slightly but she was hurt by what Jack had said, and how he had treated her. She had known it wasn't the smartest of plans, but she had been right, Sayid had been in danger, and to hear Jack say it like that, shouting it at her like she was disobedient child was horrible. She couldn't believe he had treated her like that, she knew he was a sort of leader for them, and yes he was good at it, but that didn't give him the right to treat people like they were beneath him.

By the time she had calmed down the day had grown later, everyone seemed to be avoiding her stretch of beach, and after her little outburst she wasn't surprised. She stood once again watching the ocean when she felt a pair of arms encircle her waist from behind. She panicked slightly before hearing a deep southern voice in her ear.

"Heard you an the doc had some kinda fight. Glad to have you back Lex, this place ain't anywhere near as fun without you around." Alexa twisted in his arms to look up into his face. He truly seemed so happy to see her. At least someone was. She buried her face in Sawyer's shoulder, and choked back a sob as the memories of the last few days came back to her.

"Ain't all that bad Lex, especially with me around." he joked, she playfully punched his arm.

"I can see your ego hasn't been deflated whilst I was gone." She joked back. Sawyer looked mock insulted as she pushed him so he tripped and fell in the sand. She couldn't hold back the laughter as she looked at his indignant face, and she put her hand to her mouth as she stood in front of him. Suddenly his arms shot out and grabbed her ankles making her fall down beside him. They were now both sprawled on the sand chuckling; Sawyer grabbed Alexa's hand and pulled her closer so they both lay in the sand.

"Feel like talking yet?" he asked after a while. Sawyer's presence had it's usual calming affect, and she felt safe in his presence but also she felt her heart rate increase as his hand stroked through her hair.

"What about?" She asked.

"I don't know whatever; your argument with the doc, your amazing rescue of the Arab, the fact that you look like you haven't slept in years." He finished she turned her eyes to look at him.

"Just what every girl likes to hear, that she looks like some sort of walking corpse."

"I didn't say that. Considering your lack of sleep, you look as absolutely stunning as always." He said.

"Then I really am doomed; if I look like this normally" she joked, Sawyer looked at little lost at what to say, so Alexa decided to take pity on him.

"Thank you for the flattery, it was obviously lies, but thank you anyway." Sawyer stiffened when she said it was lies, and he moved closer so his mouth was inches from her face, he whispered huskily in her ear.

"When are you going to get it Lex? I wasn't lying." Alexa's breath was caught in her throat, as his lips pressed to hers. Once again any coherent thought flew from Alexa's mind as they kissed. This time there was something deeper in their kiss; a deep sense of longing. As the kiss grew deeper, doubts seemed to melt from Alexa's mind. She couldn't believe she was doing this again. They eventually broke apart for air, and Alexa stared at Sawyer's usually cold eyes, and saw something she wasn't sure she could identify, but as it was aimed at her she felt something inside of her, the mingle of emotions into something that made Alexa's heart feel light, and hopeful. The void and darkness that was ever present seemed for the moment to be vanished from Alexa's heart.

As the minutes passed in a slightly awkward silence, Alexa felt the urge to flee once again, but for once she fought it. She wasn't going to run from this she was going to stand and face it. They both moved back to their positions by unspoken agreement, and Alexa laid her head against Sawyer's shoulder as he spoke.

"You gonna tell me what went on then?"

Alexa sighed; he really wouldn't give up on this would he?

"You mean with Sayid or Jack?" She asked resigned.

"Both but start from the beginning." He said.

"Ok, well after you left…" She felt Sawyer stiffen and she saw the pain in his eyes as she said it "I carried on looking for Sayid. In short, I found him being held captive by a crazy French woman, and helped him escape. He talked her into letting us go when she caught us and then we headed back here." It was obvious Sawyer knew she was missing something out, mainly Danielle's warning.

"And with Jack?" He prompted.

"Well we got back, and Jack decided to make his opinions about my rescue attempt known; very loudly." She looked up and saw Sawyer smiling.

"I can guess how that one turned out Lex" he said "You shouted back, and told him that you did what you had to, and he shouldn't tell you what you can and can't do. Oh and then you got upset and stalked off. Am I right?" Alexa frowned at Sawyer's triumphant grin before replying.

"Ok fine yes that is basically what happened, although I used a lot more bloody's in there." She answered still trying to get the last word.

"Proud of you Lex." He said smiling at her.

They both looked up as they heard angry voices form the direction of camp, Alexa saw Jack again with Charlie and Claire. Claire looked upset and although Alexa didn't know her all that well she felt maybe she should go see if she was ok. She got up but Sawyer grabbed her hand.

"You're not going to get involved in that are you?" He asked.

"Yep you coming?" She enquired.

"No I don't have a death wish, but go right ahead." He replied, she just smiled at him, and let go of his hand registering how empty it felt without his there.

She made her way over just as Charlie and Jack left to have a private conversation, this itself looked to be annoying Claire.

"Hey Claire." Alexa said by way of greeting.

"Oh hey Alexa." Claire said none too enthusiastically. Luckily Alexa was used to this sort of response when she appeared so wasn't too bothered by it.

"How you doing?" she asked uncharacteristically chipper.

"Oh great, I'm just fine you know someone is trying to hurt my baby and nobody believes me, but other than I'm just great." The Australian girl replied. Alexa was slightly taken aback, definitely not the answer she was expecting to hear.

"Ok……would it help if I said I believed you? Not that my opinion counts for a whole lot round here." She said.

"Why would you believe me when nobody else does?" Claire asked disbelieving

"Because, I'm naturally suspicious, and am prone to paranoia." Alexa replied truthfully, Claire got that look on her face where she thought Alexa was slightly insane, but then she changed and looked worried.

"I'm scared Alexa. What if these people take my baby? Is it stupid to be scared? Jack says I'm hallucinating." She whispered.

"It's not stupid to be scared Claire, I'm scared too." Alexa admitted the French woman's warning coming to mind "And I've learnt that Jack doesn't always know what he's talking about, in fact I'm pretty sure that he's wrong quite a lot of the time." She whispered conspiratorially. Claire looked at her and giggled slightly which made Alexa smile before she addressed the issue seriously:

"Look Claire I really do believe you, I know that there are people out there on the island and we don't know what they're capable of, but Charlie and Jack are looking out for you and I am as well." Alexa wanted to say 'everything would be ok' but she couldn't bring herself to say something which she herself didn't believe so instead Alexa chose to tell Claire as much truth as she could and hoped that maybe Claire would find some comfort in it.

"Thanks Alexa." Claire whispered sincerely "And I hope you find the answers to whatever is troubling you." Alexa just nodded as Claire walked away to Charlie and they headed off into the jungle. Answers; Alexa really hoped that she would find them too; she hadn't been lying when she had told Claire she was afraid, she was in fact more than afraid, part of her was terrified. Her doubts about Sawyer had alleviated and part of her still felt the lightness and hope that was the aftermath of their kiss, but she couldn't help the dark thoughts invading, and generally they were in the form of their bringing truth to Danielle's warnings.

The exhaustion of the past few days was catching up on her as she sunk back down to the sand. 'I'll just close my eyes for a few minutes; just rest my eyes' she thought as she sunk into the world of dreams….

_Alexa shouldn't have been surprised as she stood before a grave staring at a figure dressed in black. Alexa looked around, expecting to see something wrong with this scene but then she realised this wasn't the same scene as before She stared to the left of the figure where many other black clothed figures stood. For the moment the grave was empty. Freshly dug, but empty, then she watched as a dark brown coffin was brought from among the crowd of black. She was at the funeral, the last place she wanted to visit, why had she been brought here? She barely heard as the priest read the service. She hadn't been a Christian, but a service was what he family had wanted, so that is what she got. Alexa remembered the first time she was here, she didn't listen to the man's words, she just stared at the coffin and the open grave. The coffin was lowered and gradually the figures began to fade away until it was only the one figure left in black who stood before the grave, a bunch of roses clenched in their fist. The figure had made no word through the speech even as they had been called to speak, and even now they laid the flowers and simply walked away into the rain, but Alexa heard whispered words:_

"_I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I should have been there." The voice said. Other words floated through Alexa's mind as the scene began to change to the dark room and the candle._

"_How do I keep hope now?"_

"_Why did you have to leave?"_

"_Where do I go from here?"_

"_No matter what Alexa…….No matter what."_

_The candle before her flared brightly, illuminating the room in a glorious light before it was gone; the light was snuffed out before it could chase away all the shadows. The outline of a dark figure stood in front of the window and malevolent laughter filled the air. _

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Please **review**. Thanks so much. 


	11. Chapter 11

**AN**

Ok Hey guys, once again the biggest thanks to my beta, who is the best help ever; even if she does keep complaining at all my grammer mistakes. AlsoI have to give the biggest thanks to my reviewer for the last chapter FallenAngel, your review was so great, it really inspired me to keep my chapters coming, and i'm really glad you like it.

So please guys **review**, i really lovehearing what you think about the story.

Oh yes just so you know; like the last two chpaters sorry for any mistakes with the timeline etc.

Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own any of the characters, quotes or plotlines you may recognise from the TV show 'Lost'.

**Chapter 11**

Alexa once again found herself jerked awake, and the sound of raised voices and running feet immediately invaded her hearing. She shook the sand from her hair and struggled to her feet, the dream images slowly fading from the forefront of her mind being replaced by the awareness of the present panicked situation. She moved over to where she assumed the voices had been coming from, to see Hurley talking with a few people. She struggled slightly to form a coherent sentence before managing to speak.

"What's going on?" She asked.

"It's that guy Ethan; he's not on the manifest from when I did that census." Alexa was confused, who was Ethan? What census? And when did they get the plane manifest? Deciding that all of these questions at once might annoy him she just settled on one.

"What census?" Hurley looked open mouthed at her.

"Dude, the one where I asked all you guys reason for travel and stuff, where you been?"

"Middle of the jungle probably." Alexa mumbled "I haven't been around recently Hurley, due to a slight miscalculation of judgement on my part which caused me to go after Sayid." She said. Hurley just stared at her confused. Alexa sighed, she wasn't really up to explaining anything at the moment.

"Ok moving on. Who's Ethan and why is it a problem?" She asked.

"You really haven't been around have you?" Alexa rolled her eyes before Hurley continued "Ethan Rom, we don't know who he is, cos he wasn't on the manifest, and now Charlie and Claire have gone missing." Alexa took a few seconds to process the information. Claire had gone missing not even hours after she had told Alexa her fears about people trying to hurt her baby. A guy named Ethan Rom had masqueraded as a survivor, yet it turns out he wasn't even on the plane, so who was he?

Memories of the night in the jungle, of the deep voices, and Danielle's warning of 'Them' came quickly to Alexa's mind. She should try not to jump to conclusions, but she was finding that difficult, she knew first hand they weren't alone on this island, and she wasn't meaning just Danielle, yet nobody had paid her any heed, just as they had ignored Claire when she told them her fears of someone hurting her baby. Alexa felt the first tendrils of fear creep up her spine, if Claire's fears had been justified than what about her own? Alexa didn't even know who 'They' were but she was pretty certain she didn't want to find out. Hurley's voice suddenly interrupted her thought process:

"You alright dude? you look kinda pale." He asked. Alexa laughed slightly at the irony of his statement, she had looked pale for the last few days. It seemed to happen when you avoided proper sleep for days, but she assumed he had meant more pale than usual and considering she was English and therefore had a pretty fair complexion to begin with, she assumed it was pretty bad. She was spared having to answer Hurley as Locke appeared from the jungle his face determined. She moved over with the intention of asking if he knew anything about Claire and Charlie, but was beaten by Kate and Boone who had appeared from the right. Alexa missed most of their words as she moved closer, but she gathered that Locke was going to head back into the jungle and from the sounds of things Jack was already in there searching.

"We'll go with you." Boone announced for both himself and Kate who simply nodded in agreement.

"Me too." Alexa voiced making both Kate and Boone look up in surprise. Kate looked slightly worriedly at Alexa whilst Boone just looked angry.

"I don't know Alexa; you really aren't looking all that great." Kate said concerned.

"So they tell me. Don't worry about it Kate, I'll be fine, I've had worse." She said, hoping to ease their fears. Kate didn't looked convinced but Alexa's tone of voice had made it clear she wasn't going to be deterred. "Who needs sleep anyway?" She mumbled to herself but from Locke's intense look it seemed he had heard her. Alexa made herself meet Locke's gaze, but she found nothing in his eyes that betrayed any knowledge of his thoughts of emotions, and Alexa found it slightly disconcerting that she knew absolutely nothing about this man.

"Ok the four of us will head out. We may meet up with Jack in the jungle." Alexa found it slightly ironic that the same thing Jack had chastised her for doing mere hours ago, he had just attempted himself. He had gone into the jungle on his own without back up or provisions in a rescue attempt that for all he knew could be putting Charlie and Claire in more danger. Alexa paid little attention as Michael came over and also volunteered to come along, and Locke made it clear that any more people would simply be a hindrance. She had also long since ceased to pay any attention to Boone, who had been shooting her hateful glares every now and again.

Boone's hatred was perplexing Alexa; she was pretty sure that this wasn't just a result of her argument with Shannon, but what else could it be? Alexa searched back through her mind for unintentional actions that could have caused Boone to hate her but came up with nothing. Alexa really was at a loss to work it out; maybe this wasn't to do with the island or with Shannon, but Alexa was pretty sure she had never met Boone before; and she would remember if she had, right? There had to be some reason for this, and the irritating thing was Alexa had no idea what it was. She thought of maybe just asking Boone but dismissed that idea as he pushed passed her and then hissed:

"Don't know why you're coming. You'll only slow us down, and it's not as if you're much use anyway." Alexa fought back her sharp retort. She refused to allow Boone to get a rise out of her, but his so far irrational hatred was making it extremely difficult.

Alexa grabbed her bag which was once again equipped with a full bottle of water, and the few things she was never without, although she was still minus the black shirt. Alexa smiled slightly at the triviality of it, but couldn't help but think next time she went shopping she wouldn't limit her wardrobe quite so much, just in case she was ever in this situation again. They headed off back into the jungle in the hopes of finding Jack's trail and seeing if he had found any sign of Charlie or Claire. Alexa wondered if, when they had find him, calling him hypocritical would count as childish, and decided that she would wait until a better situation to say it.

Once Alexa's mind ran out of trivial things it began to focus on the situation in hand. Alexa was worried for Claire, and she really hoped the pregnant girl was ok. She knew Claire and she hadn't been close, but she was closer to her than she was to most on the island, and Alexa couldn't stand it if anything had happened to her. She knew she wouldn't have guilt like Jack's for not believing her, but it didn't stop her worrying, especially because she knew first hand what treatment from the other inhabitants of the island was like.

Boone and Kate were holding a conversation behind Alexa, and Alexa found herself walking side by side with Locke, or the great white hunter as people had taken to calling him. Alexa couldn't help but feel slightly edgy, she didn't know anything of this man, and he had a sense of mystery that Alexa wasn't sure she liked; she didn't trust new people anyway, but this was something different. She felt his eyes on her so looked up and met his gaze. Sure enough he was staring at her, but Alexa once again couldn't decipher what she saw there.

"You're going to have to learn to trust him you know?" Locke said conversationally.

"Even if I had the slightest idea what you were talking about I don't think I could ever give you an answer to that." Alexa said after a pause, and it was only after a few seconds she realised on some level she did know what he was talking about.

"You have to stop being afraid of everything." Locke said his voice as normal as ever.

"Although not all your fears are baseless." Alexa was passing the stage of confused by this point and shifting into the realms of seriously freaked out. Fortunately Alexa was saved from her uncomfortable conversation by an unlikely ally, as Boone arrived and engaged Locke in conversation about their trail.

Alexa sunk back pondering Locke's words. It was creepy that he seemed to know her, but then again what he said was ambiguous enough to have applied to anyone. Alexa wondered; were his words based from a true insight into who she was, or were they just words of a man who thought himself a fortuneteller. Before any of this Alexa would have passed off his words as if they were from some newspaper horoscope, but now after all she had been through she began to seriously consider other possibilities. She remembered her words to Sayid many days ago now, when they had talked of fate. She hadn't believed in fate then, just as she hadn't believed in the supernatural, but now as things began to get stranger on the island, and some things could no longer be passed off as coincidence Alexa wondered if Sayid was right, maybe it was fate that brought them here. Alexa found the thought terrifying, to believe that your life was already set, that every move you made was predetermined, but then on the other side of things, maybe good things were fated to be. No matter how much she messed up, maybe she and Sawyer were fated to be together, or maybe they were fated to never be together. Realising what she had, didn't seem to have got Alexa anywhere except added to her seemingly never-ending list of questions. Questions that needed answers, though she doubted she was ready to hear them.

Alexa looked up as a rustling ahead met her ears. It was loud, and obviously not made by someone practiced at moving through the undergrowth stealthily. It was Jack. By the looks of things he hadn't been getting anywhere and seemed to have been moving in circles rather than any logical path by which they may have found Claire or Charlie. To Alexa, Jack also looked slightly distraught. It seemed that the seemingly together doctor was finally beginning to crack under the pressure.

Locke tried to convince Jack to go back to camp and look after Sayid, Alexa assumed that this was just Locke trying to get Jack out of the way, because by the look of his present state he wasn't in the best condition to be making well informed decisions. She also doubted that Sayid really need looking after, as she had seen Sayid was perfectly capable of taking care of himself. Jack of course wasn't convinced. He was determined to go after Claire and Charlie. Alexa found herself slightly disappointed, as if Jack had gone back to the beach she may have been to able to come up with an excuse to return with him, as she was regretting her decision. She was already exhausted and the lack of sleep wasn't helping, she also felt lightheaded and slightly dizzy.

As they began to head back North, Alexa's discomfort only increased, the ache in her ribs which was a constant had increased to a burning pain and she was struggling to keep focused on her path. She was at the back of the group and everyone else was too tied up in their own thoughts to see Alexa's struggles. Locke finally called a stop, and if Alexa had the energy she might have jumped for joy, as it was she just sank down to the jungle floor. Jack insisted that they continue, but Alexa tuned out his and Locke's argument, she was concentrating on keeping her breathing regular so as to help her ribs.

"Jack, wait!" Alexa looked up at Locke's shout and saw that Locke was holding a piece of white tape. Alexa was confused as to what it was until Locke explained.

"It's Charlie's. He's left us a trail." Alexa hardly knew Charlie yet she remembered the little white tapes Charlie had across his fingers. She wondered vaguely why she had never bothered to get to know Charlie. He was English, maybe he shared her longing for the unpredictable English weather as well, she used to hate it, but after travelling to countries where it was constantly sunny, England's ever-changing climate would have been a welcome relief. Then again, thinking about what she knew about Charlie, she severely doubted it, he seemed a little… Alexa struggled for the word she was striving for? Unstable, yes that was the best way to put it.

It was only after a few minutes that Alexa realised that talking had died away and she looked to where the group had previously stood. Nobody stood there, and there was no sign as to which way they had headed. Alexa struggled to her feet swaying slightly as she did so. She walked forward a few steps before stumbling slightly.

"Damn it all to hell." She said to herself as she finally regained her balance.

"Talking to yourself now Alexa? And I thought you couldn't get any more insane. Clearly I was wrong." A voice said from in front of her. Alexa looked into the green eyes that were Boone and couldn't help but sigh.

"Clearly, and now if you would kindly point me in the direction which the others went I'll try not to inflict my presence on you any longer." Alexa said. Boone sneered at her.

"Even if I did you couldn't keep up with us. Go back to the beach Alexa, you're not needed here, I'll tell the others you were too weak to carry on." Alexa hated to admit Boone was right but there was nothing she could do now, she wasn't healthy enough at the moment to provide any real competent help, but she wasn't going to let Boone no that.

"Get a life Boone." Alexa knew it was a pathetic retort but she didn't care, and nor did she care what Boone thought when she said what she wanted to earlier " What the hell is your problem anyway? Cos I know it can't just be the thing with Shannon, what did I do? Step on you in some previous life or something? Did I mortally insult you in some way? Because please Boone enlighten me, what is it I did that made you hate me so much?" Boone let out a hollow laugh, and Alexa felt a shiver run through her body as if someone had walked over her grave.

"You really don't remember do you Alexa? At first I thought you were just trying to ignore it like you always do, but you truly can't remember can you? This is just too perfect." Whatever answer Alexa was expecting it certainly wasn't that, she stared at the space Boone had just left wanting to call out ask him what he meant, ask him what it was she couldn't remember, but she couldn't find the energy. Instead Alexa turned and began the slow walk back to the beach. Boone's words haunting her steps.

Alexa stumbled into the cave quite a while later, feeling worse than she had earlier. Adding to the pain in her ribs and her generally tired state she now had a thumping headache, and moving made her feel dizzy. She moved towards the edge of the cave where Sayid was sitting and slumped down next to him.

"You do not look so good." He stated with an amused grin.

"Well done Sayid and the award for the most obvious statement goes to…." Alexa said, although her tone showed she was far from amused. Her discussion with Boone was weighing heavily on her mind, along with her anger at herself for not being able to carry on and help in the search. In addition to all this, was the underlying fear of whatever was lying in wait for her out there in the jungle, and the dreams which haunted her every night, allowing her no rest. Alexa was far from in the best of moods.

She lay her head back against the cave walls and closed her eyes, feeling the resounding pain in her head as if someone was pounding at it with a hammer.

"It could be worse" she whispered under her breath "It could be a sledgehammer."

A voice distracted Alexa, but it was a welcome one and she couldn't help but smile as she recognised the distinct southern accent of Sawyer.

"Is this a private party, or is anyone invited." He said from the cave mouth. Sayid made no move as if to comment so Alexa answered instead.

"Come on in." She said, her voice betraying slightly her happiness at seeing him.

Sawyer moved over to where they both sat, and Alexa instantly picked up the dislike both he and Sayid were showing towards each other. Yet Sawyer still started a conversation casting aside his dislike to quench his thirst for information.

"Oh and here I was thinking you were here to see me." She commented after a few minutes of them talking about the French woman and possibility of others on the island. Neither of them said anything but their conversation seemed to have slowed.

"I can't believe we're even discussing this we know there are other people out there." Alexa said.

"We do not know that." Alexa couldn't help but let out a harsh laugh as Sayid said this.

"Ok yes we do. Firstly, Sayid, you met the French woman first hand, and she is one. Secondly there is still the question of who knocked you out the day we were trying to triangulate the signal. Thirdly there is Claire and Charlie who are still missing, and lastly there was my own evidence of the night in the jungle."

"All of those are circumstantial, the French woman is just one person, and she mentioned others, it could have been she who knocked me unconscious, or any of the other survivors, we don't know for certain that Claire and Charlie have been kidnapped, and you in the jungle well……"Sayid voice trailed off, and Alexa took up his unfinished statement.

"And I what? Imagined the voices? I suppose _that_ at least is possible, but I tied _myself_ to a tree? That is, aside from impossible, extremely stupid. I can't believe after all we've been through you still can't believe in this one thing." Alexa said exasperatedly.

"I'm not dismissing the idea; I'm just saying we need more proof to know what's out there." Alexa simply shook her head in disbelief. Even after everything, Sayid still had to come up with an alternative explanation. All the while Sawyer had just watched their exchange with passive amusement.

"You would find it funny." Alexa snapped at him. She knew Sawyer hadn't done anything, yet her bad mood and everything that was weighing on her was making her snippy, and she was walking it out on anyone in the vicinity.

"Whoa there Lex don't take whatever it is out on me." He said holding his hands up in mock surrender.

"Sorry, it's been a bad day." Alexa said.

"By the looks of things that is an understatement" Sayid said with laughter in his voice.

"Oh shut up both of you." Alexa snarled as they both laughed. She pulled herself up and stumbled off out of the caves, and the sound of their amused laughter followed her out.

"Stupid bloody people…..they're all the same…..stupid bloody evil luck…..stupid island." Alexa mumbled angrily as she stumbled and struggled through the jungle in the direction of the beach. She suddenly felt a tug on her ankle twisted forward and fell face first into the undergrowth, she look back only to see she was caught in some sort of vine.

"Oh that's just too bloody perfect isn't it?" Alexa muttered, before bursting into to hysterical laughter, which soon enough turned into sobs.

Alexa lay on the ground, in the middle of the jungle with tears on her face, thinking the day couldn't possibly get any worse. Of course when you assume something can't get any worse it always does, so naturally after a few minutes Alexa felt water drip on her from above. She strained her neck and looked through the trees to see ominous grey clouds, and then needless to say it started to rain. Alexa sat up as the water poured from the sky, drenching her within minutes. The tears had stopped, and she couldn't help but laugh at the irony of the situation. Only a few hours ago she had wished to be at home in the unpredictable weather, with the rain she missed so much. Now here she was dripping wet, in what looked to be on its way to a tropical storm.

Alexa contemplated getting up and going back to the caves, or carrying on to the beach, but neither choice really motivated her to get up and leave. So instead she sat in the middle of the jungle in the pouring rain, it wasn't like anyone would miss her, and she'd go back eventually. As soon as she thought, she heard running feet to the left and someone burst through the trees running past her. Alexa didn't see who it was until he was almost upon her when it was too late; he had tripped over her legs and now lay sprawled on the ground beside her.

"Nice of you to drop by." Alexa said to Sawyer: the figure who was lying next to her.

"Oh so your not mad at me anymore." He sneered as he wiped the raindrops from his brow.

"Guess not. I think the rain has put me in a good mood." She answered blithely. Sawyer looked at her questioningly knowing this sudden change in mood was odd, but then again even Alexa knew it was odd. For some reason at this moment in time she couldn't work up the energy to think about Boone, or the dangers, or the others, or anything other than the raindrops falling around them.

"You ok Lex? You seem kinda different." Sawyer asked his voice showing real concern.

"Fine…..I'm fine….." She answered reaching her hand out to catch the drops.

Alexa felt detached from the world, it was as if she was watching herself, she was looking out through her eyes, yet not really seeing. It was confusing, yet in some way it was nice, it was if she wasn't controlling her actions, she didn't have to think or feel things that would just cause her pain, instead she could just exist in this void of nothingness. Sawyer looked extremely worried now he reached out and shook Alexa then waved his hand in front of her eyes.

"Come on Lex, snap out of it, talk to me." Sawyer said. Alexa made no sound as if she had heard him. She had, but it sounded as if he was miles away. She tried to answer, she tried to reach out from the void, but she couldn't, there was too much weighing her down. Alexa panicked. She struggled wildly against invisible bonds and looked out through her own eyes to see Sawyer looking very concerned trying to get an acknowledgment out of her, something to assure him she was ok.

"Come on Lex please. Jack isn't around at the moment, and if you don't get in out of this rain you're going to get hypothermia." Sawyer tried to encourage her to react, and Alexa tried hard to do something anything, within the confines of her own head. That was when the images appeared; the ones from her dreams. The dark room, the funeral, the hospital, the graveside, the tree, everything she had dreamed over the last few weeks. It was as if the film was playing in front of her, the images flickering. There was a sudden flash of white before some images flashed before Alexa too quick for her to really decipher what they were, though she caught a glimpse of some very familiar sea green eyes, and knew there was something she had to remember. They changed suddenly becoming things she had done, herself helping Sayid, talking laughing, shouting, crying, and then there was herself and Sawyer, his arms wrapped around her, him sleeping near her, them kissing…..and then again. Then Alexa was falling into darkness and she was screaming.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" Alexa jerked back to reality, she could see properly again her senses came back; she flailed her arms wildly, and gasped for breath as if she were a woman drowning.

"oh god…oh god" She stuttered, and then she started shaking the images, the cold the rain, but suddenly it was gone as Sawyer's arms enveloped her his face buried in her hair, and hers in his shoulder.

"It's ok Lex, its ok." He whispered as he gently soothed her. Very slowly her heart rate slowed, and her breathing began to steady, as she concentrated on Sawyer's arms around and her and his voice in her ear.

"Shhh, it's ok, I'm here, its ok." He whispered one last time as he smoothed her wet hair down slightly, as the rain had not stopped causing her hair to frizz. Alexa didn't feel as afraid anymore, but she felt drained physically and emotionally. She just wanted to lay down in the warm and sleep, a sleep without dreams, somewhere where she could just get some rest.

"Ok, I'm ok, I'm better now." Alexa managed, but even to herself her voice sounded faint. Sawyer looked at her his eyebrows slightly raised in doubt, but he smiled as she looked at him, and Alexa couldn't help but return it.

"Ok come on lets get you somewhere dryer and warmer, and I suppose we'll have to talk to the Doc when he gets back." Sawyer said his arms still wrapped protectively around her.

"Damn, do I have to?" Alexa asked remembering her last attempt at a conversation with Jack and the raging row that had followed.

"Now there's the Lex I know." He said smiling. Alexa moved to stand up, but his arms held her down.

"Oh no you're not going anywhere." Sawyer said to her.

"I hate to rain on your parade, but the flaw in that is how are we meant to get back if you don't let me up?" She asked. Sawyer didn't bother to answer instead he shifted her weight and then stood up with her in his arms. Alexa couldn't help but laugh slightly at the situation they were both in, they were both dripping wet in the middle of the jungle, and he was now carrying her back to the caves. Alexa decided not to complain and for once she let Sawyer protect her. She moved her head back to lie on his shoulder, as he steadily walked back towards the caves. His arms kept her warm, and she felt safe and cared for, she also knew if she didn't feel so god damn tired her heart rate would have probably tripled and her mind would be whirring at being this close to him, but for the moment she just relished in the happiness being with him brought her.

Alexa slowly allowed the dripping sounds of raindrops from the trees, Sawyer's close and reassuring presence and the steady thud of his movement to lull her to sleep. A sleep she hoped for once would not be haunted.

_Alexa stood in the dark room, sinister laughter filled the room around her and the candle all but dead. Even in sleep the exhaustion was weighing on her, she didn't want to be here, she wanted to be in the void of nothingness that represented rest, anything so she could wake up and feel right again. Suddenly the laughter was cut off, a warm voice that Alexa instantly recognised whispered in Alexa's ears, and suddenly a warm white glow enveloped the room. Alexa let the light take her, and the last thing she heard was that southern voice of Sawyer she had grown to love so much:_

"_Don't worry Lex; I'll always be there to chase away the demons. I'll always be there for you no matter what." _

"_No matter what." _

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Come on guys please don't hesitate to just leave a **review** whatever you think, please. 


	12. Chapter 12

**AN**

Ok sorry it's been so long since my last update,I have been finding it hard to get inspiration, butI have some more ideas for this story now so hopefully it will get back on track. Once again huge thanks to my beta, who has decided thatI deserve a round of applause for correctly using commas within a whole sentence, andI knowI complain butI thank her for whining at me to get writing. Also a big thanks to my one reviewer for the last chapter Jedi Padfoot, andI hope you continue to read and enjoy.

Lastly one point about this chapter,although it does seem unresolved in parts, there is purpose for this, andI once again apologise for anything tooOOC. I alsofeel it is prudent to point out that I myself have doubts about this chapter, but part of me liked it, soI am keeping it as it is.

Disclaimer: Surprise Surprise,I neither own or ever will any of the characters, quotes or plotlines you may recognise from the Tv show 'Lost'

Please review

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**Chapter 12**

Alexa awoke, for once feeling like she had actually rested, and as she opened her eyes the bright sunlight temporarily blinded her and she actually contemplated going back to sleep. That idea was stomped on when loud voices invaded her ears.

"It's not as if it means anything!" A female voice said.

"Well then you wont have a problem with me keeping it will you?" Said the voice which was undeniably Sawyer's.

"Fine just keep it!" Said the female voice which Alexa finally realised was Kate's. She kept her eyes closed all through their loud discussion hoping to keep up the pretence of sleep, so they wouldn't know she had heard them. She felt, rather than heard, Sawyer's presence by her back, and heard him muttering under his breath. She turned and faked a yawn as if she had just woken up. She opened her eyes and looked up at Sawyer who was now looking down at her a concerned smile on his face.

"Sleep well?" He asked. Alexa was about to reply when she caught sight of something clutched tightly in his hands. On closer inspection she realised it seemed to be a silver case of some kind. When Sawyer realised the direction of her gaze he hastily moved the case behind him. She raised her eyebrows at him but didn't question, and instead went back to what she was about to say, deciding to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"Better than I'm used to thanks." Alexa said as she stretched and moved to get up.

"Alexa about yesterday…" Sawyer began. Alexa flinched she had forgotten about yesterday but as soon as he mentioned it the memories came flooding back. The rain and the dark void from which there seemed to be no escape, but also there had been something inviting about the darkness, something had drawn her just to give up to let go of all the problems that were plaguing her. Part of Alexa had known though; that it wasn't the answer. That although it would have taken away her fears it would have also taken her hope and joy and everything that made Alexa who she was, she would just have been an empty shell. Alexa shivered at how close she had come to her own demise, she had been so afraid of being attacked by whatever was on the island, she hadn't even looked at the idea of fighting with herself, she had never seen the real threat which her inner demons posed. It seemed that Alexa was her own worst enemy at times, and she had no idea how to deal with it.

Alexa finally zoned back in to what Sawyer was saying, but it seemed he had stopped and was looking at her with an expression that Alexa could not read.

"I think you should see Jack." He said, his voice betraying emotions that she knew he wished he could have hidden, she saw that he was afraid for her, but part of him was loathe for her to have to go to Jack for help, even if he knew it was best for her. Alexa on the other hand didn't want to go to Jack, she had enough problems without everyone on the island worrying for her mental health, and it was bad enough that Sawyer knew, but she trusted him enough not to tell her she was insane. Plus what could Jack do, really? He was a spinal surgeon not a psychiatrist, knowing him he'd give her sleeping pills and tell her she was hallucinating just like he had Claire. Look how that one had turned out.

"I can't….." Alexa started but Sawyer cut her off again.

"I know he's a jackass, but he's a doctor and I think whatever it is could be kinda dangerous. I don't want anything to happen to you Lex." He said his voice uncharacteristically serious.

"Believe me that's not what I'm intending, but I don't want to add to Jack's problems just cos I can't sleep. Plus people already think I'm insane I don't want people to know Sawyer. Please can you trust me to work this out on my own?" She pleaded. 'If only I knew how' she added silently to herself. Sawyer still looked doubtful, but it seemed he had other things on his mind at the moment as his hand went unconsciously to the case he had unsuccessfully tried to hide behind him. If Alexa hadn't had her own problems she would have asked him what was going on, and found out what it was, but as it stood Alexa decided to let it lie.

Alexa decided to leave Sawyer to his own thoughts, she planned on heading down to the beach. Considering that was her place of residence for the moment she wasn't really spending any time there at the moment. Alexa moved to stand up giving one passing look at Sawyer, who quicker than she could see grabbed her hand.

"Be careful Alexa please, I don't know what I'd do if……." He left his sentence hanging, and Alexa understood that he couldn't finish it, but she got the gist of what he was about to say, and felt something inside stir at his concern for her.

"I promise to be careful Sawyer, I'll see you soon." Alexa said. She squeezed his hand gave him a kiss on the cheek and headed off stopping once at the cave mouth and looking back.

"Oh and Sawyer….. Thanks" She said quietly, but by the look he gave her she knew he had heard. The journey to the beach wasn't a particularly long one, but Alexa couldn't help but feel uneasy as she treaded its paths once again. So much had happened here. Alexa struggled to find something good that occurred.

It wasn't just the jungle, it was the whole island, it gave off an air of mystery, it was human to fear the unknown and Alexa had no problems admitting she was afraid. Part of her longed to know what it was she feared, what it was they all feared, but another part of her thought that maybe some things were better left alone.

As Alexa thought this she realised she always had these thoughts; thoughts that conflicted with each other, almost as if she was always arguing with herself, conflicting ideas opinions and emotions. Alexa knew little about the human psyche, but she had known someone who knew a whole lot about it, and spending time with a person who thought of things on levels like that often brought a new perspective to things. In this case it allowed Alexa to question herself and allowed her to see herself differently. She wasn't very good at it, just as most people weren't, everyone tended to look at themselves in a specific way and it is hard to change someone's view of themselves. What she did realise was that there were a lot of things that she needed to face. She had faced some of them by just admitting the need to stop running, to stop hiding. One of the biggest questions Alexa wondered was: if she hadn't come here, would she ever have stopped running?

Alexa's musings brought her to the beach, which was a bustle of activity compared to the caves. Considering many of these people had decided to relocate to the caves they liked to spend an awful lot of time on the beach. She spotted Sayid and Jack holding a conversation by the signal fire, which Sawyer had kept burning whilst they had been gone. She wondered whether she should go over and talk to them, but before she had chance to even move nearer she felt eyes on her. She turned wondering if someone really was watching her, or she was just paranoid and caught a pair of green eyes staring in her direction. She covertly stared back wondering if he would notice that she was also watching him. Their eyes locked after mere moments and Alexa was taken aback at what she saw there. The hatred that seemed to burn so long was now replaced with a deep sadness. Alexa wondered if she had read it wrong, or if he was looking at someone behind her. Yet she couldn't shake the feeling that his gaze had been directed at her, and she had been right.

Every day she spent on this island just seemed to be getting stranger, and instead of solving any mysteries all she seemed to be doing was getting tangled deeper into them. It seemed that some of them were out of her control, for example the owner of the green eyes. He had to make his own decisions whether to tell her what he knew, because there was no way she would convince him. On the other hand if she could just remember, just remember what she had done, because she knew now she had done something, but whatever it was she had buried deep and however hard she struggled she doubted it would overcome the myriad of other dark thoughts and memories within her mind. After last night when she had known she was getting closer, there had been something, but it was not something Alexa took pleasure in. It was a deep resonating guilt, built up over years of remorse and sorrow. Alexa knew guilt she knew its feelings and she had always hated it, yet she had so much. There were her dreams of course; which were always sad, and Alexa could never shake the underlying feeling of blame.

She sighed and moved across the sand. It had been days since she felt the sand beneath her shoes so she pulled off her shoes and socks and let the white sand brush across her feet as she meandered down the beach towards the ocean until she felt the cool tingle of water across her feet. Memories both happy and sad resurfaced and Alexa knew that it was time to face at least some of the darkness within her, time to face the past. So Alexa stared out towards the ocean and allowed the memories to take her.

_The rain fell heavily and Alexa looked enviously at the people crowded under black umbrellas as they made their way onwards. She knew this was what she would have wanted, she would have wanted rain, and there was more drama in it. Alexa smiled sadly at the thought, as she looked down at her drenched clothes. _

_Alexa had long since ceased listening to the words of the priest; now this, this she would have hated, meaningless words from something she could never bring herself to truly believe in. But that was what her kin wanted, so that was what they got. Alexa scoffed, why were they even here? They didn't know her in life; did they think they could make up for it now? She was dead for Christ's sake it was a bit late for a family reunion. Alexa felt out of place. She didn't know the people here, and she felt slightly selfish for it, why had she never taken the time to learn anything about her best friends' past? _

_As the coffin was lowered into the ground Alexa caught the last few words of the priest:_

"_Ashes to ashes, dust to dust……" She knew they would expect her to say something soon but she hadn't prepared anything, so instead she went forward and tried to speak from the heart._

"_When they asked me to speak today, I had no idea what to say and to be honest I still have no idea now." Alexa said quietly startling the people in the crowd "You might expect me to stand here and tell you the good things. No the great things that made her my best friend, but you're all her family so you should know why." Alexa paused again she realised she probably wasn't making the best impression but this was so hard, every word was forced she didn't want to talk about it, talking about it meant accepting it and that meant dealing with it and Alexa couldn't deal with it right now. _

"_There are no words I can say here today that can express the sorrow that I feel, so I'm not even going to try. Instead I'm just going to say goodbye and remember there is always hope no matter what." There was a smattering of applause but it seemed nobody was impressed by her speech, and why would they be? She had said nothing of magnificence but if they had ever known her they would have realised that her last words were the most significant that would be spoken today. Alexa knew if she had spoken from her heart today she would have broken down and cried and this wasn't the time. Maybe it would never be the time. _

_Alexa couldn't stand around to hear these people speak about her friend as if they knew her, talk about her qualities as if they ever cared. There were only two other people she knew who had the real right to be here, one she knew she would never see again, and the other she wondered if he would ever forgive her, if he would ever forgive himself. She wanted to call him a coward for not being here, but she knew why he wasn't, this service was meaningless, he would come and pay his respects in his own way, like he always had. So why had she come? A sign of respect? Or a sign of duty? _

_She had wandered away from the service planning on going back and saying what she needed to say when they were all gone. It was too late now. There was so much she regretted not saying, so much she should have done. _

"_Pondering the world again Alexa?" A deep voice questioned from behind her. She swivelled and looked at the speaker. So he had come after all, he looked as out of place as she did._

"_Decided to turn up after all hmm?" She asked him_

"_Guess so, not really my scene is it? Not really hers either though, sort of thing we expected from you though" Alexa had known him long enough not to take this as an insult. _

"_I feel out of place." She mumbled. He laughed slightly and a passing woman scowled at them muttering about disrespect. _

"_At a graveyard? Would have thought this was right up your street." He replied._

"_It's not the cemetery, it's just them." She said indicating the group of people stood listening to various speakers about a woman they barely knew. _

"_Well you never really were one to fit in Alexa." He answered in his smart-alecky way again._

"_You know what I mean." She said_

"_Yeah, it's not just me then." She simply nodded at him and they began to work further away in companionable silence._

"_What are you doing here?" she asked after a while_

"_Some things I gotta say I guess. She said it was never too late to say you're sorry, guess she was wrong this time." Alexa heard how strained his voice was. _

"_She forgave you, you know? She knew why you did it, and she forgave you." She told him._

"_Well that's her way. But I don't think I'll ever forgive myself." Alexa simply nodded she knew what he meant._

"_You couldn't have changed it you know? It wouldn't have made any difference." He told her._

"_You can't know that." She said shortly_

"_You're right I can't, but you can't live your life in what ifs, she wouldn't have wanted that." He said._

"_We'll never know will we?" Alexa answered her voice bitter and clear that this conversation was over. _

_They waited hours for everyone to leave before moving over, Alexa let him go over to the grave first, she stood a respectable distance away so she didn't hear what he said that was between him and her. After several minutes he walked over to her and nodded before walking away. He didn't say goodbye, but then again Alexa didn't expect him to, she wondered if she see him again, he was always around somewhere so there was always a chance._

_She moved over and looked down at the freshly dug earth that marked the grave before reading the inscription across it_

'_Beloved daughter and sister.' Not once on it did it mention friend and she knew that it would have hurt him that he didn't get a mention either. She smiled at the next part of the inscription. It had been told to her family countless times that that is what she wanted so they finally relented. _

'_Never give up hope.' _

"_I'm trying, I really am, but I don't know where to look for hope anymore. They're all gone, and now who's gonna give me advice when I screw up, who's gonna cheer me up when I'm depressed." She said to the ground her words quiet and the wind the only witness to the fact that they were ever spoken. She wiped her eyes as the tears began to form. This was too hard, it was just too hard._

"_I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I should have been there, I should have been a better friend, I was selfish and I'm sorry. But you weren't meant to go, I was meant to go first remember? You were gonna be the happy one who grew old and had lots of children, I was the crazy one who died young in some tragic accident." Alexa felt a deep sense of anger along with her sadness, the tears were flowing freely now but she was just going to walk away and run from yet another problem…_

Alexa felt the tears flow down her face and felt the sadness and the anger, and she knew she had to say it; she had to voice her emotions. She had to set them free.

"Why? Why did you have to go and leave me to deal with everything by myself! You were like my sister, and then you just left. I had to deal with your family and with mine, and him. How could you leave me to face him alone? You goddamn promised me!" Alexa felt the anger and bitterness leave her; she knew know why she was angry, she resented her for leaving. They had been the best of friends since childhood and even when Alexa had left to see the world she had always been there to talk to when Alexa had done something stupid or got herself hurt again. They were as close as sisters. Yet Alexa hadn't even taken the time to learn anything about her best friend's family. She held on to her anger for so long, and now she could finally let go of some of her troubles, things that had haunted her for months now.

The anger had faded, along with some of the troubles, but Alexa still had to deal with the gaping wound within her filled with sorrow. She had dealt with her resentment but thinking about that day had brought to the surface the fact that she had never truly grieved. She turned back to the distant figures on the beach thinking of heading back but she couldn't force herself to leave, she couldn't push down the whirl of emotions anymore.

Instead she sunk down into the sand her face in her hands and wept silently. After a while the tears slowed and it was only then that Alexa felt a presence by her side, it was comforting and somehow familiar. She lifted her tear-stained eyes and looked upon the blurry form of Sawyer, the silver case not far from his side. He looked up as she met his eyes and he instantly opened his arms and pulled her to him, gently stroking her hair.

"You feel like sharing Lex?" he asked after a while.

"Guess so." She mumbled and took a deep breath ready to tell someone a story she had kept locked inside for a long time.

"We were best friends; we had been since we were kids. She was always there. Always. And I….well I guess I wasn't the best of friends to her, she was always there for me to help me out and I didn't know anything about her. I should have been there Sawyer I wasn't even there when she went, when she was diagnosed, she couldn't even tell me. I was always too busy." Alexa paused and took another deep breath drawing strength from Sawyer's arms around her. "She died. About half a year ago now, and I….I just didn't know what to do, I kept hiding from everything. I didn't want to face the fact that she was dead that she was truly gone. And then _he _was at the funeral to, and I made a mess of that one too." Alexa sighed and moved her face so it lay against Sawyer's chest there was more, there was so much more, but she couldn't bring herself to say it. One step at a time she supposed. How could she tell Sawyer about him, she wasn't even sure she knew the whole story, all she did know was that she did something she wasn't proud of. There was so much guilt. She should have been there. She should have.

Sawyer seemed to sense her inner turmoil and knew she would say no more about the subject so he tried to distract her.

"Hey come on Lex cheer up, you can give me some ideas about this case….." He indicated the silver case to his left, and so he proceeded to explain how he and Kate had found it and how it seemed to mean so much to her that she was going to so much trouble to try and get it back. Alexa didn't even bother to chastise Sawyer about taking the case if it obviously belonged to Kate, because she knew he wouldn't listen so instead she pondered the case's importance.

The day passed slowly, and Alexa spent that time in Sawyer's company. Her mind was avoiding thinking about the past, but inside she knew although there were things she still had to deal with, maybe just maybe she would be able to get through them. She knew he would be there for her, he had proved it countless times, and for once she let her guard down and placed her trust in him.

So as they both sat on the beach a night later, Sawyer pondering the loss of the case to Kate, and Alexa still struggling through her own depth of emotion, they both knew inside that the other would be there for them and took comfort in the fact. Yet neither was ready to look at the deeper meaning or emotions that they both felt. And as the first lines of Shannon's beautiful yet haunting song reached their ears:

"La mer qu'on voit danser le long des golfes clairs  
A des reflets d'argent, la mer... "

They both held some small hope inside; however lost it was among their other thoughts. Hope for the future, and hope that maybe it would work out how they wanted.

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As always please give me some feedback and tell me what you think. Thanks a lot. 


	13. Chapter 13

**AN**

Ok hey guys, once again sorry it took so long for this chapter, hopefully the next one will be up quicker, because according to my beta leaving it on chapter 13 for so long is bad luck. Anyway thanks to my one reviewer skimmbordergurl, glad you are enjoying the story. Big thanks once again to my beta.

Disclaimer: Big surprise:I don't own any of the characters, quotes or plotlines you might recognise from the TV show 'Lost'

Please guys, leave a review for this story, feedback really inspires me to write more.

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**Chapter 13**

The days had begun to pass more quickly for Alexa, and she was slowly losing sight of the hope which everyone else clung to with a passion. The hope of rescue.

She was kept busy of course, by her thoughts of the past, but she soon became bored of sitting idle and went in search of some way in which she could be useful. Sayid struggled on with his work on Danielle's maps and papers, with the help of Shannon -the only one on the island to speak even a little French. Alexa knew she may have been able to help Sayid if only a little with the maps, but she could see he was doing fine on his own, and something told her not to intrude, on his and Shannon's growing friendship. Instead a few days ago she had found herself wandering aimlessly through the jungle just away from the caves, when she had literally stumbled across the Korean woman; Sun, and Kate, tending what looked to be a small garden.

So that was how she was now trekking back through the jungle and back to the beach, in search of some seeds she had left there the previous day. After stumbling across Kate and Sun, she had quickly convinced them to let her help, so she and Sun had been planting the seeds which Kate brought and Alexa had found certain plants and fruits that she doubted Kate knew the position of. No one else knew of the garden yet, but Alexa felt glad that she was finally doing something useful. True it was Sun's idea, and she was the one who really knew what she was doing, but Alexa still felt pride at their achievement, and was happy that she had at least contributed a little.

Alexa arrived back at the beach, and glanced at the people milling around. She looked quizzically at Shannon who was staring at a pair of shoes. Alexa didn't think she had seen Shannon with them before, but she decided not to bother the blonde with trivial questions. Instead she moved over to where she remembered sleeping last night and rifled through her bag, to find what she was looking for. She grabbed what she had found and then swung the bag back over her shoulder before turning back and heading once more towards the jungle. She turned her head and saw Sayid looking at something ahead of where she was walking, and she turned back but she was too late to stop a headlong collision with Boone.

Alexa fell into the sand and saw Boone reach to help her without even looking at who he knocked down. Instead his eyes seemed focused on Sayid and Shannon who were now talking.

"Sor…." Boone cut off his apology when he turned his eyes back to Alexa, realised his mistake and let go of her hand just as she was half way up, making her fall back again. This time Alexa fell heavily and she felt the pain in her ribs flare up as the air was expelled rapidly. She lay on the ground for a few seconds trying to gain her breath back. Once she had done she lifted her head and glared at Boone who still wasn't offering to help her up.

"Well maybe you should be more careful." He sneered as he looked down at her, Alexa was about to retort when a southern voice interrupted them both.

"Hey there Lex. Did you decide it was a good time for a mid morning nap?" he said jokingly as his face appeared above her.

"No I just love the perspective of the sky from down here." She said sarcastically before glaring at Boone once more, then taking Sawyer's hand as he helped her up. She then turned to Sawyer and explained "The idiot and I crashed into each other, and I of course came off worse." Alexa said bitterly, ignoring Boones scoff at her words.

"And he didn't help you up?" Sawyer said filling in the gaps.

"No because that of course would class as a good deed, and The Boy Wonder over there is really against those." Alexa said. She watched as Boone's green eyes looked furiously at her calling him The Boy Wonder. She wondered if his reaction was just to do with her choice of words and the fact that they made him sound childish, or whether there was something deeper. She was beginning to lean towards the latter as echoes of distant memories surfaced, she vaguely remembered herself saying words similar before, but they weren't met with anger.

Boone looked ready to stalk off, but instead he turned towards Sawyer:

"Maybe I should warn you Sawyer, although I wonder why I bother." He said turning his head and looking at Alexa with disgust "You two deserve each other."

"If you've got something to say Metro then just go ahead and say it." Sawyer said warningly; casting a quizzical glance at Alexa who simply shrugged in reply.

"Just thought I should warn you about her." Boone said jerking his head towards Alexa "She's a lying cheating whore, so you might want to think twice about getting involved with her." He finished.

He jogged off to meet Locke and they both headed into the jungle before either Alexa or Sawyer could say anything. Alexa's mind was whirring. Normally she would have just ignored Boone's insults, but his tone of voice sounded bitter, almost as if he really believed every word he said. Why had he told Sawyer? What basis would he have for his insults?

"Look's like you did something to upset the Boy Wonder there Lex." Sawyer said his voice still light and using her nickname for Boone. She felt glad that he hadn't taken any of what Boone said seriously, and she felt pleased that he trusted her on this. It was then however when then it came back to her, she stood staring at the trees into which Boone had left his green eyes still pictured in her memory.

"Oh God……" Alexa said staring at Sawyer as the memories came back "I know what it is."

"What, what is? Hate to say this Lex but you're making even less sense than usual" he said.

"I know why he hates me so much, I remember now." Alexa said staring at him, her eyes wide in recognition.

"You feel like explaining then Lex?" he asked. Alexa looked around suspiciously.

"Not here." She said simply. Sawyer nodded and took her hand pulling her much farther along the beach. Voices of the people around began to fade so only the sound of the ocean could be heard.

"So you said you knew why he hates you so much." Sawyer said as he sat down next to her.

"Yes…I did…." Alexa paused wondering how to best tell him. She had never told anyone before, but to understand the thing with Boone he would have to know it all.

"Ok, you know I told you about my friend?" Alexa asked him. He nodded in reply "Well I didn't tell you about _him_. He was….well what can I say….he had known us both for a long time, and I was so happy when my friend told me that they were together. As their relationship progressed she told me she loved him, and she had never felt this way before. But I… I felt jealous in some ways. I didn't do anything about it of course. She was my best friend. But I envied her because she loved him and was so happy and he seemed to love her too, whereas all my relationships seemed to fall apart at the seams. I was jealous as well because he seemed so perfect. Everything either of us had ever wanted: the fairy tale prince. So I watched and listened as she told of her love and slowly I let it go, and just let her be happy and tried to move on.

So I started a new relationship, well there were a couple before this specific one, but this is the important one." Alexa paused for breath and looked up at Sawyer, she saw confusion on Sawyer's face as he struggled to understand the relevance to Boone, but she also saw he had understood some of her guilt problems a little more. "Anyway, as you know my friend died, but before she did she told us both she was ill, and well he left her…I tried to place all the blame on her illness, that he left because he couldn't cope, but he…he told me that he didn't love her like he should, and that he wanted to be with me. I should have just told him to go, I was betraying her, but I couldn't. I knew I was wrong so I kept telling him it couldn't be, that she was my best friend. But one day he came to see me, and I didn't tell him to leave, I had just been to see my friend, and she had looked so sad, and there I was with the man she loved." Alexa was crying by this point, she was baring some of her deepest secrets to the man before her, the reasons for some of her guilt. "I didn't…..We didn't really do anything, but I think…no, I know… if the guy I'd been seeing at that time hadn't walked in on us kissing I would have betrayed her even more. As to the point, I now know the guy…the guy I was seeing, the one who walked in on us; it was Boone." Alexa finished and stared at Sawyer.

"If he was your ex, then why didn't you remember him before?" Sawyer asked her.

"I've thought about it, and the only reason I can think of is because our relationship wasn't all that meaningful. My best friend was dying and I was betraying her with the man she loved. I never spared a thought for him. Even when we had been together there was very little between us, I just assumed he felt the same, plus I'm pretty sure he was in love with someone else. Apparently though he still has issues." Alexa finished.

She waited for Sawyer to speak again, but he didn't and Alexa found his silence hardest of all. The tears that had stopped before now returned, she remembered Boone's words and thought maybe he was right, and now Sawyer knows it. He won't want anything to do with me anymore. And why would he? Alexa asked herself bitterly.

She stood up and turned to Sawyer once more, but he once again just ignored her, and Alexa turned away so he wouldn't see the tears anymore. She walked away hoping he would call her back, hoping beyond hope that maybe he would think better of her. Better than she thought of herself, but as she moved further away; she knew. She knew he wasn't going to call her back. Why would he? What reason had she given him to trust her? She had kept secrets from him, kept the past with Boone secret, even if it was secret from her as well. He probably thought that she would betray him too. Just like she had everyone else: Her best friend, Boone, Even herself. No wonder he couldn't trust her, look at what sort of person she was.

She tried to shake off her thoughts and was determined to make her way back to where Sun and Kate were working on the garden, but as she drew closer, she didn't really feel like their company. Kate was observant enough to know something was wrong, but not understanding enough to see she didn't want to talk about it. Instead Alexa turned back and slowly meandered through the jungle. Thoughts of the past and the present mixed, and Alexa felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. She was too wrapped up in her own thoughts to see Sayid as she nearly stumbled over him.

He was looking over one of the maps that he had taken from the French woman, and he looked like he was trying to get a makeshift compass to work. She watched as he sighed in frustration, obviously not receiving the results he had hoped for, before turning and noticing her presence.

"Alexa." He said as he acknowledged her with a nod. If he sensed her mood he made no indication of it, but she and Sayid had not been as close recently especially after the episode with Sawyer. They were still friends, but it seemed Sayid had found someone else who he talked to.

"Compass?" She questioned as she moved forward and looked at the maps in front of Sayid. Before Sayid could reply they were both startled by the voice of a man to their left. Alexa looked up and saw it was the man Locke who had left earlier with Boone. That was a point: Boone. Alexa knew she needed to talk to him, he couldn't keep his hatred of her up any longer, she needed to talk to him, tell him she was sorry…well maybe.

She turned, ready to walk away, as she could see Sayid and Locke talking, but she looked back and saw Locke passing a compass to Sayid. He then walked over to her and indicted to her to walk with him, she simply nodded and they both headed back towards the beach.

"How are you Alexa?" He asked her. Alexa resisted the urge to say something sarcastic and instead simply raised her eyebrow at him. He was intelligent he would understand its meaning. Before Locke could answer another question Alexa decided to ask him about Boone.

"Do you know where I could find Boone?" She asked him.

"I haven't seen him since this morning" Locke replied. Alexa glanced sideways at him; it seemed slightly doubtful being as Locke and Boone had spent the best part of the whole week together in the jungle etc, but then again, who was she to judge? Boone didn't seem to be the most reliable. That was another thing; Alexa was having real trouble remembering the little she knew about Boone. Boy was she self-absorbed. She had dated the guy, and then forgotten he existed, and when she did remember she could barely pull up any facts about him.

"You don't trust me." Locke said casually.

"I don't trust many people." Alexa said evading the question slightly. What she said had been technically true, but there was something about Locke that made her uneasy. She couldn't pinpoint what it was, and knowing her it would just be her paranoia, yet the fact that Locke seemed to have an uncanny ability to know what was going on made her question him. True he probably had valid and logical reasons for everything, but really what sort of person brings a case full of knives onto a plane? Alexa was startled out of her musings by Locke speaking again.

"Why did you want to see Boone?" He asked her. Alexa wasn't sure how much to tell him, or not to as the case may be. It could do little harm, but Alexa had had trouble telling Sawyer, the one person on this island she trusted more than any other, why on earth would she trust a man who all instincts were telling her was not trustworthy?

"I needed to tell him something." She said shortly.

"From what I know of you to, I doubt Boone will let you talk to him." Locke said. Yet his eyes held some knowledge that Alexa wondered about.

"Probably not, but I need to tell him I'm sorry." She whispered more to herself than to Locke, but she didn't doubt that he had heard her.

"What will you do if he forgives you?" Locke asked her. Alexa didn't pause to think before she answered; if she had she may have wondered how Locke knew she needed forgiving.

"Probably exactly the same thing I'll do if he doesn't." Alexa said. Once again the answer was meant more to confirm thoughts inside than to answer Locke.

"He's not the one you truly want forgiveness from." Locke said simply.

"No," Alexa said "I suppose he isn't." Alexa thought about her answer and knew it to be truth. Although what she had done to Boone had been wrong, his reaction and hatred had only bothered her because it had seemed unprovoked. Now that she had reasons for his actions she understood. She needed to say sorry, but realised if he didn't accept it she wouldn't care. They weren't close now, and Alexa knew they had never been close then; they had kept too much from each other even when they had been together, and as Alexa had told Sawyer, the way Boone acted made it obvious he was in love with someone else. However there were people Alexa did need forgiveness from, one of them was gone, and she knew that it was too late now, she had betrayed her, and she would have to learn to live with the guilt that came as a consequence of her own mistakes. The other though, Alexa found herself wondering about how much she cared what he thought, how much she cared that he still treated her the same, still trusted her as she did him. She hoped that he knew she would never do something like that again, but what guarantee did he have? Apart from her word, she only hoped that he knew her well enough.

It was only Alexa was through with her thoughts that she noticed he had long since left, and she was walking in circles. Really need to pay more attention Alexa thought to herself. She knew she was walking in circles as she found herself in nearly the exact same spot she had seen Sayid in earlier. She looked up to see Jack and walked over. Ever since Jack's reprimand of her rescue of Sayid, Alexa had held him in contempt, but she recognised he was good at his job and had secrets and fears just as the rest of them did. Just like Sawyer however, that didn't mean she had to like him.

"Alexa." He acknowledged as she moved nearer.

"Jack." She replied in the same even tone. They were saved having to force conversation by Sayid's presence. His expression was confused but also slightly suspicious, and in his left hand he held the compass which Locke had given him earlier. He looked up when he saw Jack and Alexa and moved closer to talk with them.

"Which way is North?" He asked them. Jack and Alexa shared equally bemused looks: Sayid was the one with the compass yet he was asking them for directions. However odd though, they both trusted Sayid's judgement and decided to humour him. Alexa looked to where she knew the sun rose, logically assuming that was East, and just as Jack came to the same conclusion they both pointed slightly ahead of them but a little to the left.

"Yes that was what I would assume too." Sayid said as he looked at the direction they had indicated. "Yet look at this." Sayid held the compass so both Jack and Alexa could clearly see its face. The needle stopped moving and Alexa followed its path with her eyes. Seeing where it showed Alexa raised her eyebrows at Sayid in question, but it was Jack who said what they were all thinking.

"But that is…." He was cut off by Sayid who finished the sentence

"In the wrong direction. I know." He said darkly before proceeding to explain "Slight magnetic disturbances may account for slight discrepancies, but an inaccuracy of this magnitude…" Sayid left the sentence hanging, and Alexa knew what he meant. The compass was obviously wrong. It was only then that Alexa understood Sayid's suspicious look, Locke had given him the compass, and coincidentally enough it didn't work, and had Sayid tried to use it, he would have been sent the wrong way. Alexa pondered it for a second, Locke couldn't have known it was broken, because if he did what would be the point in giving it to Sayid? Unless he was deliberately trying to put Sayid on the wrong track, but once again it didn't make any sense. As everyone knew Sayid was intelligent and any idiot could have found North by looking at the sunrise or sunset, so he would have found the mistake easily.

Alexa tried to shrug off her suspicions, it was probably an honest mistake, the man had lived through a plane crash, Alexa was surprised the compass was still in one piece. Alexa wondered if maybe it was working, but the island was affecting it, but then laughed at herself; that was ridiculous, it wasn't like they were in the Bermuda triangle. Once again Alexa struggled to keep her unruly thoughts at bay, but unfortunately, that brought another matter to Alexa's mind, one which was equally as awkward. Alexa had failed in her search to find Boone, yet she was pretty certain she knew where Sawyer would be. It was probably about time she went and talked to him.

She excused herself as she left Jack and Sayid, and was glad they were too distracted to notice it was getting dark, as she had no doubt that they would try and escort her, and she didn't really feel up to talking with them. Alexa arrived back on the beach just as the sun had begun to set, she looked around but didn't instantly notice Boone, she saw Shannon once again sunbathing, but there was no green-eyed man near by as normal. So Alexa resigned herself to the fact that she was going to have to have the much harder conversation. With Boone she had no doubt that it may have turned into a blazing row, and with Sawyer she had little such worries, yet as she had thought, she didn't really care what Boone thought of her. Yet Sawyer's opinion meant more to her than she could say.

She pushed open the flap of the infirmary tent only to see, Sawyer reading a book. She took a deep breath and began to talk before he could even get a word in.

"Ok Sawyer, I owe you an apology. I'm sorry I didn't tell you of my past sooner, and I'm sorry I kept secrets from you. I don't know what else to say really, I know what I did was wrong, but well none of my offences have been against you, and well I just hope that you still trust me." Alexa finished her speech rapidly and looked up from the floor where she had been studiously speaking to her feet only to see Sawyer's extremely amused face looking at her.

"What you talking about Lex. You got nothing to be sorry for." Sawyer said with a small laugh.

"What? But I thought when I told you and you wouldn't talk to me…" Alexa struggled to finish her sentence and luckily Sawyer cut her off.

"It wasn't anything against you Lex. I'm not insulted you didn't tell me, it's a hard thing to let anyone know, and I'm kinda glad you trusted me with it, cos most of the people round here would definitely not. I was actually more annoyed with Metro, cos I still think you should a let me beat the hell out of him for the way he's treating you. We all make mistakes Lex, Boone's just using you to take out his anger." Sawyer finished what he said and looked back at Lex. She remembered Boone's words from earlier and then smiled at Sawyer's defence of her.

"Yer you're right, maybe I should've let you." She answered. They both smiled and Alexa moved closer. Sawyer of course wasted no time in pulling her down so she was lying on the ground next to him. He gently kissed her on the lips. It wasn't as passionate as before, but Alexa found herself just as happy about it, she kissed him back and felt the same feeling she had before yet had no time to decipher it before they both broke the kiss with a little regret. Alexa laid her head back on Sawyer's chest; she looked at the book that Sawyer had lifted back up with one hand, whilst the other gently stroked her hair.

"So, what are we reading this time?"

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Doubt it will make much difference: but please feel free to review asnd tell me what you think. 


	14. Chapter 14

**AN**

Sorry that Chapter 14 took so long to get posted, Iwas having some inspiration trouble. On that fact I may have apologise for the amount of mindless fluff in this chapter, but according to my beta its all good so Ihope you enjoy this chapter anyway. Thanks to my reviewers...oh wait never mind.

Thanks to my Beta, even though she had endless fun laughing at my mistakes.

Disclaimer: I do not own nor ever will any of the characters,quotes or plotlines you may recognise from the TV show 'Lost'.

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**Chapter 14**

Alexa sat in the caves listening to Jack and Sayid talk about something. She had longed since ceased paying any attention to what it actually was, as she was pretty sure they had held this exact conversation at least six times before. Why did she even bother? She watched as the young boy Walt turned pages of a comic book obviously enthralled, and Alexa was finding it hard to mask her jealousy. Anything was more interesting than this. She didn't have a clue what the comic was about, but after deciding that Sayid and Jack wouldn't miss her she moved over to talk to Walt.

The boy looked up as she moved over, and she caught his expression of slight distrust.

"Hey, sorry to be a pain, but I couldn't help noticing the comic you were reading. And well I couldn't take any more of that." She said waving her hand towards Jack and Sayid. Walt laughed slightly and she saw his eyes shine a little as she took interest in the comic. He moved round so that she could look at it.

"I can't read it." He said with a resigned sigh "But the pictures are cool." She looked at the comic and the picture of a polar bear Walt had been looking at, and she didn't miss its obvious resemblance to the ones she herself had seen in the jungle.

"I'm not surprised, I doubt many people here can" She said indicating the foreign words which were littered across the pages. Alexa was never really great at languages: she had learnt Arabic out of necessity not choice, so she really had no chance deciphering the words in Walt's comics, but he was right the pictures were cool.

"You have a point though, the pictures are great."

Walt looked at her, and Alexa pondered the look she had seen in the ten year olds eyes. It was a look of clarity and something deeper; she doubted she had seen that look very often and certainly not on somebody Walt's age. Alexa wasn't really great with kids either, it was another thing in her life that she really didn't understand. She wondered how she had spent so long as a child and still had so little knowledge of them. Alexa also doubted that in any part of her life had she really yearned to be a mother. True she had a lot of time left yet, or maybe not thinking about the dangers of living on this island, but in truth Alexa had never really stopped to think about her future that much, probably because she had been afraid, still, another part of her just wanted to live each day as it came, to just see what tomorrow would bring.

Alexa pondered once again the changes that just being here had wrought upon her again, as she sat with Walt and stared at the pictures in a comic book neither of them could read. The silence was neither awkward nor particularly comfortable, it just was. Their peace was disrupted by the arrival of Michael; Walt's father; another person who held no great predilection towards Alexa. It wasn't that she actually done anything, it was more than likely the easy friendship she held with Sawyer, and her unsociable personality, along with the possibility of Boone's rumour spreading ability. Michael was giving Alexa extremely untrusting glances as he moved over to talk to Walt. Not wanting to intrude on their private moment she stood up to move away.

"Thanks Lady." Walt said to her as she stood up.

"It's probably me who should be thanking you, after all you did save me from a terrible fate" She said glancing conspiratorially at Sayid and Jack, she smiled at Walt's giggles along with Michael's confused and still untrusting gaze. "Oh and by the way my names Alexa. Thanks again Walt."

"Bye Alexa." Walt shouted with wave as Alexa walked out of the cave and headed in the direction of the beach.

Alexa sauntered back to the beach in no particular hurry to get there and be assigned a multitude of jobs to do. It wasn't that she was lazy but some of the jobs were mind- numbingly dull, and she wasn't in a rush to start all over again. Nonetheless she had a feeling that if she found Sawyer she might be able to either get out of jobs for at least a few hours, or at best just help him chop wood. Which basically consisted of her sat watching him with his shirt off chopping logs with an axe, as they talked and laughed.

At first it seemed as she was in luck as she arrived on the beach to see Sawyer stood by his make shift home, talking to Kate and Charlie, but as she grew closer she heard the distinctive sound of an argument. They all stopped as Alexa approached, Sawyer looked happy to see her but the other two were far from amused and seemed annoyed that Alexa had interrupted.

"Hey there Lex. How was the geographical debate?" Sawyer asked her, a smirk evident on his lips. He was talking about the discussion that she, Sayid and Jack were supposed to be having. After Sayid had managed to decipher at least some of Rousseau maps, he had decided to see what he and Jack could piece together of people's knowledge as well. Alexa had been included after her theories on their position on the globe, which both Jack and Sayid had said were logical, therefore they had assumed she may be able to help them in some other way. Alexa had been helpful to start with, but after the conversation seemed to have started over for about the fourth time Alexa had just longed to be elsewhere. After all: where was discussing the exact same thing thirty six times going to get any of them?

"Boring as hell… and don't you dare tell me I told you so because I _will_ be forced to hurt you." Alexa said. Her voice was serious, but she knew Sawyer had easily caught the jest in it, and she sighed at her lack of composure as he simply laughed at her before smiling.

"Told you so." He whispered as he pulled her closer.

"Now you're asking for it." She whispered back as his lips moved closer to hers, but before Alexa could feel his lips upon hers and the sweet oblivion which it brought her to, Kate's voice brought them both back to reality.

"However disgustingly sweet this is, can we please get back to what we were talking about." Kate said giving them both a disapproving glance. Sawyer frowned before looking at Alexa giving her a wolfish smile and leaning in and whispering in her ear:

"Later." Alexa couldn't help but fight disappointment slightly, and then laughed at her own childishness, she was acting like some lovesick teenager.

Instantly Charlie started shouting at Sawyer again, with Kate's comments mingled between them. Alexa could hardly understand a word of what they were saying.

"Ok guys stop. What's the problem?" Alexa was instantly assailed by Charlie's voice telling her about Claire's diary and about how Sawyer must have it. Alexa sighed as she saw the mischievous glint in Sawyer's eyes. Oh he had it, and contrary to what he had led Charlie to believe he hadn't read it and she doubted that he ever would. He was baiting Charlie, and by the looks of things he was being extremely successful. She glared at Sawyer before moving forward and whispering in his ear.

"Just give him the goddamn thing Sawyer, because you still owe me from before." she saw instantly that she had caught his attention, and his eyes darkened somewhat as he looked at her. She shivered slightly under his gaze, and it wasn't from the cold. Sawyer's grip tightened on her hand as if afraid she was going to disappear before he turned back to Charlie and Kate.

"Here" he said tossing Charlie the diary, but he couldn't help one last comment as Charlie was about to walk away "You might want to check out August sixteenth, you'll find something to interest you there." Charlie glared at them both before walking away and Alexa couldn't help but feel annoyed; some people just didn't get when you were doing them a favour. Kate was glaring at Sawyer as well but unlike Charlie she didn't look ready to leave.

"You didn't read it did you." Kate asked, but Sawyer wasn't really paying much attention as he had started staring at Alexa. Amusedly Alexa indicated over her shoulder to where Kate still stood, and Sawyer annoyed, turned to her.

"Just didn't get around to it yet Freckles." He said harshly and then turned back to Alexa.

"Sure whatever Sawyer" Kate said before she too walked away, not before shooting Alexa and Sawyer a disapproving glance, and Alexa was sure she caught a glimpse of something else; envy maybe?

"Now where were we?" Sawyer questioned as he once again stepped closer to Alexa, removing any space there was between them. Before Alexa could even come up with a witty response, Sawyer's lips were on hers. The sweet oblivion which Alexa had been thinking of before was quick in coming, as Sawyer pressed closer and the kiss deepened. Rational thoughts had all but flown from Alexa's mind, as all she could concentrate on was the man in front of her and the feel of his lips against hers, along with the feeling deep inside, something she didn't really understand. Alexa felt the faint familiar feeling of fear, as Sawyer pulled away and they both took breath, but as his lips once again descended onto hers, the fear was engulfed by the other more welcome feeling. Whatever it was, Alexa knew she didn't ever want it to go away.

Unfortunately; the feeling may not have left, but she and Sawyer were interrupted several minutes later by a disgusted sigh and then a voice.

"Didn't take heed of my warning Sawyer? Well you never did seem all that bright." Sawyer's lips had long since left Alexa's and she couldn't help but feel disappointment at the lack of contact, yet Sawyer kept her hand in his, as they both sighed recognising Boone's voice. "Didn't I tell you she was lying, cheating whore?" He said as he looked at Alexa with disgust. Surprisingly enough it was this comment that caused Sawyer's other hand to clench tightly, and Alexa saw him restraining his anger, and from the look in Sawyer's eyes she could see he was about ready to kill him. Truth be told Alexa was feeling about the same; not only had Boone insulted her, and Sawyer, he had interrupted the little time they had together in a long time, and it seemed neither she nor Sawyer was pleased. However Alexa knew that killing Boone wasn't going to solve anything, and in a way Boone was justified in his actions. So, instead Alexa gently squeezed Sawyer's hand silently passing on her agreement, and support before turning and addressing him completely disregarding Boone's presence.

"I'll deal with this Sawyer" She held up her hand to stop his objections "Yes I know, and if he insists on being like this after we've talked, then go ahead and beat the hell out of him, but if you could just restrain this once I would greatly appreciate it." She said with a resigned sigh.

"Fine." He said sulkily "But you owe me Lex." He said as he eyes gained a slightly devilish gleam. She moved closer before whispering in his ear.

"Maybe, but you haven't even nearly made up for earlier." She said. They both smiled at each there and Sawyer captured her lips in one parting kiss, before sauntering back to his tent. He turned and glared at Boone, and then looked once at Alexa with a promise in his eyes before walking inside.

Boone had watched the exchange with disgust and Alexa turned ready for a conversation she had been putting off for months.

"Ok Boone we have to talk." She said

"I've said everything I need to say to _you_" he said disgustedly

"I very much doubt that, being as you seem to have some new and shiny insult every time I see you." She once again held up her hand to stop his objections "Now you're going to listen to what I have to say and once I'm done feel free to comment as much as you want. But for now; just listen. Ok Boone, firstly I owe you an apology, one that's probably long overdue; I can make excuses about it being a bad time etc but that doesn't mean I shouldn't have apologised for what I did. I'm also sorry that I didn't remember, and I know it probably won't help but I had a lot on my mind. Right, now I've said I'm sorry I have some other things that need to be said: So yes, I treated you badly, but that doesn't give you any right to try and sabotage my relationships with other people, or influence people's opinions of me. You don't like me. You know what? Fine. But don't go spreading your views to everyone else. Secondly: I know I made a mistake but your personal vendetta against me has got stop, you can think what you want but I'm sick and tired of you trying to make life difficult. It's difficult enough thanks. I don't need to add to that. So like I said I'm sorry Boone, but it's over now. Let it go." Alexa finished what she was saying glad to get some of what she needed to say off her chest. However it didn't seem that Boone was overly appreciative.

"Oh you're sorry. Yes because that makes it all better Alexa! Do you even know what you did? You don't even really care do you?" he shouted at Alexa. Alexa opened her mouth to object but it seemed Boone wasn't finished "And as for spreading what I did. It isn't opinion Alexa, its fact; it was my duty to warn Sawyer about what you're like. Although I can't see why he was interested. I don't know why I was." He said looking at Alexa with disdain. Alexa clenched her fists; she really regretted not letting Sawyer break his nose.

"Have you not heard a word I said? I don't care what you think of me, but you need to stop spreading lies. I don't get why you're making such a big deal out of it, yes what I did was wrong, but for god sake Boone, you were in love with someone else even when you were going out with me." She watched as Boone's face coloured, either with anger or embarrassment she couldn't tell.

Alexa was expecting Boone to shout and bawl again, but instead he turned and walked away. In most cases Alexa would have been happy, but she knew where running from your problems could get you, and by the looks of things this was something Boone needed to deal with. She jogged to catch up with Boone.

"Look Boone; I'm sorry ok? There's nothing else I can say. Its past I can't change it now." Although part of Alexa wished she could. She allowed herself to ponder what it would have been like if she had been stronger and told him no, or if he had never left her friend to begin with; if they had both been stronger. Would she even be here now? Would she and Boone still be together keeping up false pretences of a relationship that would never have worked? Or would she have moved on and left him anyway? Alexa didn't know the answer, although she had a feeling that in the end she and Boone would never have worked. Fate always had away or working things out just how she wanted even without our help. Fate; she wondered again about Sayid's question, did fate really bring them here? Was there truly some destiny, or was it all just coincidence. Were she and Sawyer meant to be? Or were they just two survivors brought together in a time of need?

That was a dark thought. If they hadn't have crashed here, she and Sawyer would never have met, he would never have given her a second glance had they passed each other in the street. She would still be running from her problems, all her emotions and troubles locked deep inside, showing the world a smile because that was what they expected to see. So much had changed, and Alexa knew these what ifs were pointless. She and Sawyer were together for the moment, and she should relish in that, what would be would be, and there was nothing she could do to change it.

Whilst she was pondering it seemed Boone was fighting his own inner demons, as he struggled with himself before speaking.

"Just leave me the hell alone Alexa!" he shouted before storming away.

"Oh yes that went well." Alexa said to an empty shoreline, but even as she said it she knew that she, at least had made peace, even if Boone hadn't accepted it.

"You really have knack for making friends Alexa." A voice said from behind her. Alexa turned at met the smiling face of Sayid "Do I even want to know what that was about?" he asked her.

"I severely doubt it. I don't even think I want to know, and I'm involved." Alexa said with a sigh.

"You really don't want Boone as your enemy Alexa." Sayid said to her seriously.

"I know. He's not my enemy we just….have some issues." Alexa told him.

"I know that you have Sawyer." Sayid said this and Alexa didn't miss the disgust in his voice. Here was he chastising her for not being best buddies with Boone, when he himself couldn't keep his opinions to himself about Sawyer. "But you have a gift for getting yourself in trouble. I don't want to see you hurt Alexa." Sayid said.

Alexa shrugged off her irritation knowing that what Sayid said only stemmed from his concern, but she couldn't help but feel annoyed that he still didn't accept her choice to trust Sawyer. It isn't as if she was asking him to like the guy, and she certainly knew why Sawyer hated him, and probably vice versa, but she had really hoped they could respect her decisions.

"Believe me Sayid, that's the last thing I want." Alexa said as she turned ready to head back to Sawyer's tent "But as you said: trouble seems to have a way of finding me."

As Alexa walked away from Sayid and back towards the tent in which she had last seen Sawyer, she pondered his words. She really did seem to have a knack for finding trouble, as previous exploits had shown. Yet as Alexa's mind looked back she couldn't seem to get past the point in which Danielle had given her that warning. With Claire's disappearance and everyone's newfound fear of whatever was out there Alexa was finding it hard to get those thoughts out of her mind. It was at the hand of these people; who ever they were, that Alexa had nearly died last time, but she had assumed their disinterest then meant that she was safe. Now however Alexa wasn't so sure. _'They will get you again.'_

Alexa hadn't voiced her fears to anyone, as she didn't want them to know her paranoia was increasing. The dreams of her past seemed to have waned, yet Alexa couldn't help but remember the whispered voices of the last few nights, and even the malevolent presence that always seemed to haunt.

"Deep thoughts Lex?" A welcome voice asked from behind her, as arms encircled her waist.

"Not really. Just the general daydreaming stuff." She answered evading Sawyer's question.

"You ain't fooling me Lex. But don't worry I'll leave it for now. How'd things go with Metro?" he asked.

"Don't ask." She said darkly remembering her conversation.

"And you still against me punching him?" Sawyer asked

"Don't tempt me." Alexa answered as she turned and laid her head against Sawyer's chest.

"I have a feeling I know what could take your mind off it." Sawyer whispered into her ear.

"Why am I not surprised?" She whispered back. Yet Alexa couldn't help but let the smile grow on her face. Like she said before whatever will be; will be. Maybe she should just appreciate what she had. As Sawyer's lips descended once again on hers; oh yes, she could definitely appreciate it…

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Please R&R and tell me what you think. 


	15. Chapter 15

**AN**

Ok sorry guys that this chapter took weeks in coming. A mix of writers block, internet failure and forgetfulness can be blamed. Anyway thanks again to my non existent reviewers and of course my beta.

Please please tell me what you think, because I have no idea if you are enjoying this etc.

Disclaimer: Of course I don't own any of the characters, quotes or plotlines you may recognise from the TV show 'Lost'.

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**Chapter 15**

_Running; Alexa was running. She sprinted through the jungle, her heart beating fast and adrenaline pumping. She didn't know what she was running from, but she was pretty certain she didn't want it to find her. She was afraid of it; no she was more than afraid; she was terrified. It wasn't irrational, but she didn't know why she was afraid or even what she was running from._

_To her left there was rustling and then she was no longer running. It was dark but in front her she could still see a black rock. It was tall and ominous, and Alexa shrunk back, she was afraid of it as well, but as she turned she realised she was more afraid of what ever it was that was lurking in the jungle behind her. Why had she stopped running? Why could she not seem to move from this place?_

_The rustling to the left grew, and from deep within the undergrowth came two figures. The darkness shadowed their features making them indistinguishable; but whoever they were Alexa knew she had met them before, and she was afraid. They drew closer and Alexa found herself drawing closer to the black rock. Her breathing came in short gasps as her fear overwhelmed her. The figures moved closer. Closer._

"_We will come for you Alexa." Said one of them._

"_Make no mistake." Finished the other._

"_We will come. And you will show us."_

"_You will" _

_The sounds of laughter echoed throughout the jungle and Alexa opened her mouth to scream……_

Alexa jerked violently awake, visibly shaking with fear. She immediately assumed it was her dreams which had caused to awake, but she quickly heard the shouts, and running feet from all around her. She struggled to focus her sleep-clouded brain on the people around her, and it wasn't until someone very nearly stepped on her, that she decided to find out what was going on.

"Excuse me" She questioned the man who was sprawled in the sand after tripping over her. He was not someone she instantly recognised "Can you tell me what's going on?"

"It's Claire" he said to her as he pulled himself up.

"Claire?" She asked confused. To be honest Alexa hadn't thought about Claire for a long time. It seemed selfish now she looked back on it, but then again she had many other things on her mind. Not really an excuse; true, but…

"Yes the pregnant girl."

"I know who she is thanks." Alexa interrupted.

"She's back. Back from wherever it is she was." He finished irritated. The man then abruptly turned and worked away.

"Thanks for the help." She shouted at his retreating back. This was certainly not something she had been expecting. Claire had been gone a while now, and however much Charlie had tried to convince her that she was fine and on her way back, Alexa couldn't help but believe that the girl was dead. To find that she was still ok, and had found her way back to camp, was heartening. Although as Alexa thought about it, she hadn't bothered to ask what sort of state Claire was in.

She stood up, and followed the people heading towards the caves, intent on finding out what had happened and if Claire was ok. As she arrived at the caves it became evident that she was not the only one to have this idea, as people crowded round Jack who, it seemed, was trying to diffuse the situation. Alexa didn't really want to attempt to push into the crowd, so she sat down and decided to wait till most of the people had left and then ask Jack herself what was going on.

As she sat and waited a familiar presence moved and sat down at her side. She turned and faced him just before he spoke.

"Seems it's not only me who made this little trip, to find out what all the fuss was about." Sawyer said before he swiftly wrapped his arms around her waist.

"So it seems." She said as she made herself comfortable in Sawyer's arms. "You found out what's going on yet?"

"Not so far. All the Doc'll tell me is that Claire's back." He said

"Well I coulda told you that." Alexa said as she stifled a yawn. It seemed that her new set of dreams were as exhausting as the old ones, and Alexa resisted the urge to sigh. She thought she had got past the stage of no sleep, but apparently not. It also seemed Sawyer had noticed her fatigue as he looked suspiciously at her, before wrapping his arms tighter round her. Alexa was glad that he didn't ask her about it, because she knew that she wouldn't be able to not tell him, and she didn't feel like reliving the dream just yet.

A few minutes later, Jack finally noticed them and made his way over. Sayid followed behind, leaving Charlie with a distraught Claire. Now that the crowd had thinned and dispersed it was easier to see the girl, and from what Alexa could see she looked upset but also confused. Jack looked in disgust at Sawyer before turning his eyes towards Alexa, although she didn't miss the look of contempt in his eyes.

"What are you two doing here? Need something else to steal?" He asked disdainfully. Alexa caught Sayid's eye and was glad to see that, although it seemed he shared Jack's opinion of Sawyer, he wasn't pleased that Jack had extended the insult to Alexa. Alexa let Sawyer answer, knowing he would get much more enjoyment out of annoying Jack than she would.

"Oh come on now Doc. Is that really how you should be treating us? Working together remember?" he said, his voice laced with mocking. Alexa kept her face deliberately passive at Sawyer's none too subtle insult and she saw Jack curb his retort and decide to address Alexa rather than argue with Sawyer.

"If you've come to find out what's happening. Then you can hear the same thing I told everyone else. Yes Claire is back, and no we don't know what happened." Jack told them tiredly. Alexa got the meaning behind Jack's words, as the doctor looked over at Claire sadly.

"She doesn't remember?" She asked incredulously.

"Nope. Nothing. Not what happened, nor any of us. She doesn't even remember Charlie" he replied. Alexa suddenly understood the sad look on Charlie's face, and felt some sympathy for the man she had labelled unstable. She knew he and Claire had been close, and it now seemed he would have to start all over again. In some circumstances a fresh start may be good - her mind conjured an image of Boone - but in many it wasn't the case.

When Alexa had set out, she had had the intention of talking to Claire. Of seeing if she was ok, but if Alexa was truly honest many of her reasons were selfish. She wanted to ask Claire about what happened, so that Alexa could see if there was any true basis for her fears, or whether it was just paranoia. Since the days had drawn on Alexa had found her paranoia slowly increasing, and the recent set of dreams certainly hadn't helped. Alexa admitted she was afraid, but she just wished she knew what it was she was afraid of, and had assurance that it was not only her own imagination.

"Deep in thought there Lex?" A voice interrupted. It was only as Sawyer's voice brought her out of her reverie that she noticed that Jack and Sayid had left, and that Charlie was preparing to leave with the Korean man.

"Just wondering what happened." She said her voice serious.

"Think they all are Lex." Sawyer replied.

Alexa tried to shake her mind off her thoughts as she allowed Sawyer to lead her back to the beach, talking and laughing as they went.

Alexa was oblivious to those around her as she lay on the beach with Sawyer, it wasn't until she heard worried voices behind her that she sat up and looked around. The voices belonged to Jack and Charlie, and Alexa was intrigued to see Locke and Sayid join their conversation as well. That certainly wasn't a group that she generally saw. Her curiosity was peaked even more when all four of them suddenly turned to stare at her, and then realising she was looking back at them tried to hide it and act nonchalant. Alexa, as paranoid as normal pulled herself up, and moved over determined to find out what they were saying.

Never one to really beat around the bush Alexa just went straight out and asked them:

"Ok guys what's going on?" She asked seriously, all laughter gone from her voice.

"Nothing. Nothing's going on. Why would you think that? That's a stupid idea." Charlie answered his voice an octave higher than normal and trembling with nerves. Alexa didn't even deem Charlie's reply worthy as a response, so she just raised her eyebrows in doubt, and waited for someone else to speak. Finally it was Sayid that spoke:

"I do not think we can keep this from her. She is bound to find out one way or another." He said to them.

"I agree. Its better she know what she's up against." Locke said.

"Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like this?" Alexa said sarcastically.

"You did ask." Sayid said logically. Alexa merely frowned at him; the seriousness of the situation was obvious even to her, when she was in the dark about it. It was Jack who began to explain:

"Charlie saw Ethan again in the jungle." Jack paused and looked at Alexa expectantly as if he wanted her to speak or object. When she made no sound, Jack continued: "He told him some things about Claire." Jack paused once again, and by this time Alexa was annoyed that he wasn't getting to the point.

"Get to the point Jack." She said.

"He mentioned you Alexa. Ethan mentioned you." Jack finished. From the tone in Jack's voice Alexa knew there was more to this, Ethan didn't only mention her he said something that worried him.

"Along with Claire." Sayid added "He told Charlie, that if he didn't bring Claire back then he would kill one of the survivors everyday." That revelation on its own was enough to increase Alexa's fear and when Sayid continued Alexa found her breathing coming in shorter gasps than before. "Ethan also told Charlie, to pass on a message to you. He wanted you to know that……" Sayid was cut off by another voice.

"That they are coming. They are coming for you, and they will find you." It was Charlie's voice that spoke, but his normally lighter voice was suddenly dark and slightly menacing, and Alexa found herself revisiting her dreams.

There was so much that went unsaid in Ethan's message, and Alexa knew that none of the four around her truly understood the ramifications of his words. They didn't say anything other than 'they are coming' but Alexa knew that when they did, it wouldn't be good. That whatever they wanted from her would not be something she would want to give. There was also the fear of the unknown, the fear that rested in the shadows, until after dark where it taunted her, the fear of what she did not and could not know; that they would find her and they would eventually finish the job they started last time. That they would kill her.

She did not voice her fears to the group, and instead as they all looked at her expectantly she merely asked what precautions they were taking to stop Ethan from killing any of the other survivors. She knew that it wouldn't be her. No, Alexa's fate lay down a darker path.

So as she left the group and moved back to where she had been staying earlier, her mind was somewhat numb, and it seemed she was yet to truly process the idea of what was to come. The group had unanimously decided not to tell Claire of what was going on; which Alexa viewed at least partly as a mistake. Keeping her in the dark was never a good idea. On the other hand Claire did not have to live with this fear; fear of what was coming for her, but as Alexa thought about it; if Ethan got past the group's defences and killed someone, then there was the guilt of it being on her head. Alexa was tired and knew she should sleep, but she couldn't bring herself to willingly succumb to the darkness, and the dreams which it brought. Instead she resolved to stay awake. Defences included posting sentries at various points, so she could merely watch and wait.

"Hey there Lex. What ya doing?" A voice interrupted part way through her self imposed watch.

"Watching. Waiting." She answered mysteriously.

"No need to watch any longer Lex; I'm here." He joked.

"Get over yourself, I didn't mean I was watching for you." She laughed back. He merely raised an eyebrow as he sat down beside her.

"You just disappeared earlier Lex." He said to her.

"Yer I know. Sorry about that, there was just something I needed to hear." She answered.

"This got anything to do with why you are awake now whilst you should be sleeping, and whilst the good doc and his band of merry men are doing the same thing around the area." He asked.

"Too damn perceptive for your own good sometimes." She grumbled. He merely laughed.

"So you feel like filling me in. Or will you have to kill me if you do?" he asked mock serious.

"Can't really tell you about Jack; you'll have to ask him, but as for me guess I'm just scared." She answered truthfully. He looked at her inquisitively.

"Not exactly something I would expect from you Lex." He told her.

"Me neither." She said with a sigh "I hate being afraid. I'm used to paranoia, but true terror is not something I'm used to, and I can't say I like it." Sawyer once again looked at her. It seemed he must have read the sincerity in her tone, as he wrapped his arms around her offering his comfort and support before he spoke.

"We all get scared once in a while Lex." He told her.

"Even you?" she asked.

"Even me" he said with a laugh "What counts ain't that you're afraid, it's that you stand up and face what you're afraid of anyway." He told her.

"Whoa deep and philosophical advice from Sawyer. First sign of apocalypse." She said laughing. Still inside she knew what Sawyer said was right, it didn't matter that she was afraid, as long as she didn't let her fear control her, but that was easier said than done. How do you face an enemy that you don't know and who attacks in your sleep?

"Once in a lifetime opportunity Lex; take it while you can." Sawyer told her.

"Will do." She replied but her tone was once again melancholy.

"Now you're startin' to worry me. What happened to the Lex that had a snappy reply for every thing I said?" He asked.

"Probably hiding in a corner, behind all your philosophical advice." She told him.

"Oh there she is." He said as he brushed a strand of hair from her face, and she sunk further into his embrace seeking the comfort only he seemed to bring.

"Would you miss me if I left?" she asked after a while. He stopped stroking her hair and looked down at hair.

"What sort of a question is that?" he asked her.

"A serious one." She replied.

"Of course I would. We all would." He finished lamely.

"No but would you miss me more than you know…. Oh I dunno other people?" She asked him. She moved out of his arms to get a look at his face. She watched as he seemed to fight conflicting emotions.

"You really can't answer that can you?" she said angrily.

"Why is it as soon as I bring up anything to do with us, you balk and come up with as many ways as possible to avoid the question?" she asked him.

"I'd miss you more than I can put into words Lex." He whispered. His soft words immediately calmed her spirit, which was already on edge and she sunk once again back into his arms.

"I'm sorry." She whispered back. "Its just….I'm afraid and its not just of whatever it is that might be after me, its more than that. I'm afraid of being alone again, I'm afraid of having to face everything on my own." She admitted.

"What do you mean whatever is after you?" he asked worried. Alexa flinched at her misstep; she had hoped to avoid telling him so as not to worry him.

"Those guys. You know the ones in the jungle, who you rescued me from, well I've been having dreams about how they're after me again. Of course at first I thought they perfectly natural, but then that French woman; Danielle she told me that they were after me. And now…now Charlie told me that Ethan sent a message to say that they are coming and that they're going to find me." She finished in a rush.

"You don't know they're coming Lex." He said soothingly.

"I know, but after what happened with Claire… and they already found me once." She said worriedly. She realised she was trembling, and wanted to shake herself for her own cowardice. This was pathetic. Sawyer was right there was no guarantee that there was anyone after her, but Alexa could still not shake the everlasting feeling of fear, mainly due to her dreams, and the thoughts that she never wanted to see the place of her dreams, or those evil malevolent faces again.

Sawyer made no reply, but his presence was comfort enough and she found that with him there she wasn't as afraid anymore. So she slowly allowed herself to be lulled to sleep, Sawyer's constant presence and the ever present sound of waves her last conscious knowledge.

"_We're coming Alexa. We're coming for you." _

Alexa started awake once again, realising that it was once again day, and having no memory of any dreams, except for a faint recollection of some threats. Also noting that Sawyer was no longer by her side, she looked around and caught sight of him holding a conversation with Jack and Kate. She wondered what they were talking about, but didn't feel the need to go over and find out. She saw Jack pass something to Sawyer and he nodded before walking off after Jack and Kate.

Alexa was now interested in what they were doing, as they all met Locke, Sayid and Claire by the edge of the jungle before heading off. Determined to find out what was going on, Alexa grabbed her bag and set off after them. As she pushed through the undergrowth in the direction she hoped they were headed, she stopped. She felt drops of rain hit her head and looked up. Sure enough the sky had become grey, and the rain began to pour.

"Just my luck." She mumbled angrily as the rained cam down heavier and soaked her within seconds. Alexa looked down and realised that not only was she wet, but the rain had washed away the tracks she was following, and as she turned back the way she would have followed back had also been washed away.

"This is just not my bloody day is it?" She shouted at the sky just before she tripped and hit her head hard against a tree on the ground. Then there was nothing only darkness and pain…

There was the sound of screams, of shouts and then of gunshots, then the feeling of arms holding her. Alexa came back to her senses to find her arms held behind her back by Sayid, who was shouting at Jack to help him. She stopped struggling immediately and took in the scene around her. It was still raining and a drenched Claire stood looking worriedly at her, directly in front of Alexa's feet lay the body of a man: Ethan. She saw the gunshot wounds and the blood, and then her eyes followed the body up to Charlie who stood shaking his hands still holding the trigger of a gun.

Alexa began to shake, not just from the cold but from the realisation she had no idea how she had got here. Her eyes turned to Sayid as he slowly released her, a suspicious look on his face, and then to Sawyer who stood apart and was staring at her in shock she looked down at herself and saw the rain, but then the blood. She stared in shock at the blood upon her shirt and then on her hands. What had she done?

"Oh god." She said, she felt her legs grow weak as she struggled to stand. She turned to Sayid pleading.

"What happened?" She asked, but no one would meet her eyes.

"Goddammit, what happened? What did I do? Please what did I do?" she asked them, nearly crying by this time. Finally Sayid replied.

"We don't know Alexa, you turned up here a few minutes ago, covered in blood and then you tried to jump in front of Charlie as he shot Ethan, that's why I was holding you back.." he said steadily. Alexa stared down at her hands and then looked once more at the people around her, they all had questioning glances.

"Tell us what happened Alexa." Jack demanded

"I don't know. God I don't know. I can't remember. I don't know how I got here, last thing I remember was being in the jungle and then I fell." She told them. They all looked at her sceptically.

"There's so much blood." She whispered before her legs finally caved and she fell to the ground. It was then that Jack rushed over.

"The blood Alexa. It's yours." He said. As he did so the acute pain in Alexa's back became more profound, and she found herself once again losing consciousness.

What did I do? What did I do...?

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Please review 


	16. Chapter 16

**AN**

Hey guys, sorry this chapter took so long, you can blame my Beta, she was out of the country, or so she says. Anyway big thanks to the reviewer from the last chapter steam rolled harry potter, your positive comments really helped. Anyway please could you guys review and tell me what you think because i'm starting to wonder if anyone even likes this. The story will continue regardless, because my Beta won't letme give up, but without reviews i don't think it will be posted on here. So please guys, review, tell me if you like this or not.

Disclaimer: The characters, quotesor plotlines you may recognise from the TV show 'Lost' do not belong to me.

Please review

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**Chapter 16**

Alexa awoke disorientated. Vague memories of the horrors of the previous night flashed in front of her eyes, and she groaned at the thought. She stretched but was stopped by a burning pain across her back.

"Ok probably not the best idea." She mumbled as she lay her head back down. The pain in her back was bad, but not as bad as when she had cracked her ribs, so she assumed they had been treated in some way.

It was only after this, that Alexa opened her eyes and took in her surroundings: She was at the caves, and people were milling around as usual. She frowned slightly at a man who was giving her a terrified look, and then to her left at a woman who had gone as far out of her way as possible to avoid Alexa. Bewildered by these strangers' reactions Alexa looked down at herself for some hint as to why they had reacted as they did. Had she suddenly grown another arm or something? Nope all her limbs seemed to be normal and in working order. Instead Alexa looked around for a familiar face who could hopefully explain to her what was going on.

Unconsciously she realised she had instantly sought out Sawyer, and felt her heart sink at the lack of his presence. She wondered where he was, and then laughed. This was Sawyer; he could be anywhere! It was stupid to think he would stick around if he knew she was going to be ok, he wasn't exactly the most sociable of people.

By the time another two people had strategically avoided her gaze, Alexa was getting annoyed. Just as she was about to pull herself up and go in search of answers, Jack, Boone and Locke entered the caves. Seeing that Alexa was awake the group made their way over. Boone's normally disgusted face, was held in an expression that Alexa could not decipher, and Locke was as unreadable as ever, but Alexa felt glad to see that at least Jack looked a little concerned.

"How are you feeling Alexa?" Jack asked her.

"Kinda like a walking pincushion. But I'm also as confused as hell." She answered. Jack frowned at her answer before speaking again.

"What do you remember of what happened?" he asked her. Alexa let her mind travel back to the previous night, and the tangle of events slowly unravelled.

"Well I was in the jungle, and I fell. And next thing I know its dark and I'm in a different part of the jungle being held back by Sayid. I'm covered in blood, and have a dead man at my feet." She told them forcing her voice to remain emotionless. She also remembered freaking out about not knowing whose blood it was, or where she had been.

"You passed out shortly after that." Jack told her "It was only after that that we found out about the blood."

"What about the blood." She asked worriedly.

"It was yours Alexa. There was about three deep scratches in your back and shoulder, I would have assumed you had been attacked by some sort of animal had the wounds been less precision than they were. To be perfectly honest it looks as if they put there by a knife." He told her.

Alexa carefully controlled her breathing, and put up the facade of calm. Inside she was in turmoil. How the hell do you get attacked by someone with a knife and not remember? It was then that Alexa thought about the blood on her hands - how had that got there? She could have put her hands to her back after the wounds were inflicted, but she didn't remember doing so. Then again she didn't remember getting them in the first place. The other two options were even less appealing: either she had inflicted them herself, which seemed unlikely if only because she would have had to have gone to a lot of trouble to get hold of a knife and hurt herself on her back. Or the blood on her hands hadn't been hers, and it had been someone else's, but if it was then whose?

Alexa forced her mind off that thought, for a moment and turned back to Jack, more questions brewing in her mind.

"Well this still doesn't explain why people are avoiding me." She said to them. Jack looked slightly worried then.

"Well the thing is, Charlie told people what happened, and how it looked like you were trying to help Ethan and kill Claire. And plus last night when I put stitches in your wounds you were talking in your sleep, and it didn't exactly sound pretty. As well as all the blood which made them believe Charlie even more. Not that others helped." He said as he shot Boone a glare.

"Oh this is just bloody perfect isn't it?" She said with frustration "People I don't even know now think I'm a crazed psychopath, and on top of that, I've just lost about three hours of my life in which I got stabbed, and possibly hurt someone, and then tried to assist Claire's abductor. Can this get any worse?" She held up her hand to stop them replying. "Actually on second thoughts don't answer that. If it can I don't want to know."

Alexa stood up and grabbed her bag which someone had thoughtfully placed close by and then turned once more to Jack.

"If you don't mind I'm going to go wash and change these clothes. Walking round covered in blood isn't really doing much for my already shredded image." She turned to walk away.

"Alexa wait." Jack said. Alexa turned back and from Jack's voice she knew she wasn't going to like what he had to say. "I don't know if that's such a good idea, it's just…" He paused hesitantly looking as though he was trying to pick his words carefully.

"Why Jack? Why isn't it such a good idea?" It was then that it dawned on Alexa "Oh God. You don't trust me. You think I did all this out of choice and I'm going to hurt someone." She said.

"No it's not that. If it happens again, you might not be so lucky to just come away with a few scratches." Jack told her.

"If it's me you're worried about then don't bother. From the looks of things, I'm not exactly going to be missed." She said staring at Boone.

"Sawyer." Locke's voice said.

"Oh yer, if he was all that concerned then where is he?" she looked at them all for an answer. She knew inside that she was being unfair; not only to them but to Sawyer, by questioning him, but she didn't really care. She was angry and scared and she was projecting her anger onto others.

"Just leave it Jack. I'm not going to turn into some maniacal criminal and go round butchering everybody, I'm just going to change my bloody clothes." She said, and turned once again to walk away.

"Alexa wait." Jack's voice said again.

"What this time?" she asked frustrated.

"Watch the stitches." He said.

"Will do doc." She said utilising Sawyer's choice of nickname. She stormed out of the caves; bag across her shoulders, her mind reeling from everything that had happened over the last couple of days. Alexa was confused, and even more afraid than she had been to begin with. The prospect of an unknown assailant being after her had been frightening, but not as downright terrifying as the idea that the assailant could be herself.

Alexa still had no memory of what had occurred those hours between her falling and arriving near the guys covered in blood. The truth however, didn't seem to matter to most people, and by the looks of things they were all to ready to believe that Alexa had seriously hurt or killed someone by choice. She knew that she was being hypocritical, as she often judged things by appearance alone, but to be on the other end of it was hard. The worst part was that part of Alexa felt they were justified. That she was dangerous and could hurt someone and that they had every right to be afraid of her.

There was also the nagging part of Alexa that always thought about Sawyer, but now all it was doing was questioning where he was, and why he wasn't there when she needed him? He had promised her that she wouldn't have to face these things alone, that he'd be there, but where was he now? When things got difficult was he just going to run? Exactly like she would a voice said in her head. Then again, maybe Alexa didn't want him involved. She didn't want him hurt, but her heart still longed for his presence, something that had begun to make her feel safe and protected. Without it Alexa felt the fear that she had built walls to keep out creep up on her.

She had taken them down to let Sawyer in.

Arriving at the lake that everyone had been using and finding it unoccupied was a welcome relief. Then again they probably sent out runners warning people away, after hearing she was coming. She waded in and began to wash the blood from herself and her clothes, she watched as the water around her turned red where she passed, and found herself staring into the water. Her reflection looked back at her, but it wasn't one that Alexa instantly recognised. It had been a long time since she had looked at her reflection, and the woman she saw staring back was not the same one who had landed here weeks ago. True in features there was nothing exceptionally different, expect maybe the few inches of hair that had grown, and the blood that now streaked it where she had yet to wash it out. Alexa however could still see subtle differences, her smile looked more natural - as if she was used to wearing it, but her eyes also reflected more emotions than Alexa was used to. Her hand splashed through the water distorting the reflection as she pushed the thoughts from her mind, and washed the remaining blood from her hair.

Out of the water and into dry and clean clothes Alexa already felt slightly better. The absence of the blood allowed her some respite from fighting images of the previous night. She swung her bag on her back, temporarily forgetting about the stitches, and as the bag hit her back she hissed in pain, and quickly dropped it. The paper that she knew was meant to be at the bottom lay on the ground where the bag had opened. She bent down and slowly picked it up, noticing the hasty folding as if someone had quickly folded it back up, and as she unfolded it she saw some specks of mud she certainly didn't remember before. Before she could fold it back up again, her eyes were once again reading the words, and she angrily refolded it, forgetting about the mystery of how it had got to the top of her bag for a while.

She picked her bag back up and put it on her shoulder, and walked back the way she came. After a few minutes Alexa realised that going back to the caves was the last thing she wanted to do, she had had enough dropped gazes, and edgy looks to last her a lifetime. She contemplated going back to the beach, and decided to head in that general direction anyway.

As she passed another patch of undergrowth, Alex heard voices and laughing to her left. She knew she should leave it - it looked to be getting dark soon and after last time she didn't want to be in the jungle at night - but she couldn't fight her curiosity. Instead she crept slowly over to where she had heard the voices, as quiet as possible in the hopes that they wouldn't hear her. As she got closer she recognised the voices as that of Sawyer and then of Kate. She sucked in breath as a twig under her foot snapped loudly, but luckily it seemed Kate was too distracted to notice what she would never have normally missed.

Alexa grew close enough to hear the voices, and then to see the figures of Sawyer and Kate illuminated slightly by the fire in front of them. They were laughing and Alexa saw Kate take a swig of the bottle in front of her. Oh so they were drinking as well. Alexa didn't want to pass judgement, but her head couldn't get beyond the point that Sawyer didn't look all that bothered that for all he knew she could be laid dying in the caves. In fact he looked like he was having a great time. She caught the way he looked at Kate as she laughed at something he said, and felt envy, but also sorrow.

"Come on lets play 'I never'." Sawyer said to Kate. 'I never' Alexa thought, 'what's that?'

"I never?" Kate asked.

"It's where you say something and then if you haven't done it you have to drink. For example I know you never went to college." Kate raised an eyebrow at him as he drank.

"You drink too. If I'm right." His southern voice told her. Kate looked at him sceptically but drank anyway. Alexa had no idea why Sawyer was playing this game, unless it was one of those I want to get to know you better things.

"Ok fine." Kate said "you go first."

"Ok I never…went to Disneyland." Kate took a swig. And Sawyer laughed.

"That's just sad." He told her. Alexa frowned slightly; she had never been to Disneyland, but then again she had never really wanted to.

"What? I just never got the opportunity." She said as looked up at him.

The game continued for a while with simple things like: I never had a pet etc. It was now Sawyer's turn and he looked like he was battling with himself over what he was going to say.

"Ok. I've never been in love." Sawyer said and then drank. Kate raised her eyebrows.

"But what about Al…" Kate never got to finish her sentence.

"Not love." He growled before continuing "Now answer the question." Kate didn't drink.

"There, I've been in love. Happy."

"Ecstatic." He said with a predatory smile.

Alexa didn't want to jump to conclusions, but if she had ever seen anyone else acting like these to were she would assume they were either together or hoping to be. The flirting was obvious on both parts, and the glances were far from covert. Alexa turned her attention back to their words.

"I never kissed a guy before." Sawyer said grinning at her. She looked disapproving but then laughed before taking another swig. They both laughed again and Sawyer told Kate it was her turn. Alexa caught Sawyer's slightly more serious expression before she spoke.

"I never killed a man." she said but didn't drink. To Alexa's surprise neither did Sawyer.

"It seems we have more in common than you thought freckles." His voice was deep as he moved closer to Kate.

"So it does." She replied. Alexa felt her heart rip as Sawyer's lips met Kate's and they began to kiss passionately. Alexa turned in disgust, as she heard Kate's whimper when they pulled apart, and then looked back to find them once again in a heated kiss. Alexa could no longer stand to look, and had absolutely no desire to see where those kisses led to. She quickly and quietly moved away from the scene; the emotional pain in her heart tens times worse than the pain in her back.

Alexa refused to let herself cry as she headed back towards the beach, yet as the tears began to stream down her cheeks she made no effort to stop them. Her mind felt numb, and for that she was thankful, as the pain of old and new wounds intensified in her heart.

"It doesn't matter. They were drunk, it didn't mean anything." She whispered to herself. Yet the words were hollow. This wasn't like before; she hadn't misunderstood, or taken something the wrong way. It was blatantly obvious what their kiss meant.

"It wouldn't matter anyway. It would have never have lasted." She tried instead. Yet once again Alexa could not make herself believe the words. However much she denied it, Alexa had had hopes for a future for her and Sawyer, that maybe what they had was something special.

"Here I was gullible enough to believe I meant _anything _to him." This time Alexa's words rang true, filled with anger at herself and bitterness at the injustice of life.

She arrived at the beach ignoring the looks from those still awake. Ironic really; a few hours ago and it would have really bothered her, but now, now Alexa couldn't really care less. The revelation that Sawyer had killed a man hadn't come as a surprise to Alexa, but now her mind was working again, the fact that Kate had, certainly was a surprise. Alexa tried to prolong these thoughts, as it kept her mind off the image of Kate and Sawyer, yet as always she failed to do so.

"How could I have been so God damn stupid?" She said as she sat down away from all the sleeping survivors. Because you trusted him, a part of her argued, because you trusted that he meant what he said, and that he felt the same way about you as you did about him.

"Really if you think about logically: I shouldn't be all that bothered, we never really talked about having a formal relationship, I just assumed…" Alexa choked on her words.

"First sign of madness you know?" A voice said from behind her "Talking to yourself." Alexa turned and saw Sayid's profile reflected in the little light from the fire as he moved to sit down.

"Everyone thinks I'm crazy anyway." Alexa said as she wiped her eyes trying to hide her tears.

"What is wrong Alexa?" He said his voice serious.

"Nothing." Alexa said, knowing that even to herself that sounded pathetic.

"You do not sit crying over nothing. If it is about yesterday, then we will find out what happened Alexa." He said.

"Thanks, but it's not about that." She said.

"Then what?" He asked again.

"I just made a mistake that's all. And I guess I'm paying for it…" Alexa choked again and the tears came back, as once again the image of Sawyer and Kate formed in her mind.

"It is not you who made the mistake Alexa." Sayid said calmly.

"What?" She asked confused.

"I saw Sawyer leave earlier with Kate whilst you were still unconscious" he replied. "I doubt anything will happen though. Kate hates Sawyer."

"Guess they have a love hate relationship then. Being as I saw them making out not two hours ago, and lets just say if it ends there, Sawyer will be disappointed." She said bitterly.

"It is Sawyer who made the mistake Alexa." He said again.

"I don't get how you work that one out. I was the one naïve enough to think that I could ever be anything more than just a passing fancy, that maybe I actually meant something to him. It was me who made the mistake, everyone warned me what he was like but I just ignored them and carried on regardless."

"You know I do not like Sawyer. And I agree that choosing to trust him, may not have been the best thing to do, but you had good reason to do so. Even I believed that there was something there between you. He has made the mistake because he has lost you, which could have been the one thing in his life that was pure and meaningful, just for something that will not last a day, before Kate realises that she hates him again." He told her.

Alexa knew some of what Sayid said to be true, but she could not make her heart believe that Sawyer would ever regret choosing Kate over her. As she had once told him, Kate was everything she wasn't, and it was no real surprise that a guy would choose Kate over her.

"It will turn out ok Alexa, you'll see." Sayid told her as he stood up.

"What if it doesn't?" She asked him.

"Then we were all doomed to begin with." He answered as he walked away. Alexa watched him grow, and felt the wounds on her heart more clearly as she watched Shannon meet Sayid and embrace him.

Alexa suddenly realised that she would never get past this is if she didn't admit to herself the real reason why it hurt so much for Sawyer to be with Kate. Alexa had lost guys to other girls before, and she had been upset for a time, but it was nothing to the heart wrenching pain that she felt at that moment. Alexa knew now the reason that it hurt so much. She had fallen in love with Sawyer. It was so cliché, she knew that it was true, but it hurt even more to know that Sawyer had never ever felt the same. That she had slowly begun to lose her heart to him, and he had given nothing in return. Although that wasn't strictly true, he had given Alexa happiness, and comfort and affection even if it wasn't real.

Alexa had asked Boone, Jack and Locke earlier how things could get any worse, and here she was seeing how they could. Alexa was running out of things to lose now, she had lost what little reputation she had, she had lost her friendship with Kate, her closeness with Sayid. And most of all she had lost whatever it was that had been between Sawyer and herself. Not only that but she had lost some hours of her life, to something she couldn't even remember, and thinking back to the paper in her bag, she had also lost her privacy.

Not two days ago, Alexa had been seeing the good in life, and the good the island had given her. Yet now; now it had all been taken away. Everything she had been grateful for was gone, just as it had been before. Nothing lasts forever.

"_Nothing Lasts forever" she heard her own voice whisper in the darkness_

"_It'll turn out alright Alexa" A voice she had not heard in nearly a year whispered back._

"_You can't know that. You can't" she said._

"_Never give up hope Alexa" The voice told her._

"_I've run out of things to hold on to" she said sadly._

"_Never give up……" The voice of one who had died months before whispered out to Alexa. It hurt to remember, but the words brought Alexa hope. _

Alexa was awoken by a familiar presence in front of her. She opened her eyes only to be blinded by the sun, her hand moved in front of her face to shield her eyes as she tried to pick out the figure of whoever was stood in front of her. Before she could decipher it for herself, the figure spoke and his voice instantly gave him away.

"We need to talk Lex." Sawyer's voice said deadly serious.

"I have nothing to say to you." Alexa said, trying as hard as possible to keep up her passive façade.

"Abdul mentioned you were mad. Didn't stick around to find out why though. Talk to me Lex." He said. Alexa couldn't believe him, here he was pretending as if nothing had happened, pretending as if everything was just as it was before.

"I said I have nothing to say." Alexa said as she stood up and moved to walk away, but Sawyer grabbed her arm.

"Don't give me this shit Alexa." He said angrily. Alexa turned and stared at him her eyes filled with anger, and hurt.

"Just leave me the hell alone Sawyer!" She shouted, but he still wouldn't relinquish his hold on her arm.

"You gonna tell me what the hell this is about Lex. I haven't even done anything, and you're acting like a child." He shouted back.

"You want to know what this is about Sawyer? Hmm? This is about you, and how you obviously enjoying toying with people's feelings. You…." Alexa stopped she didn't want to continue and allow Sawyer the knowledge that he had hurt her.

"Figure it out yourself Sawyer. You make out with Kate, and God knows what else, and then expect me to be ok with that. You come back here pretending everything is fine, when you broke all the promises you made. You said you'd be there Sawyer, you said I wouldn't have to face it alone." Alexa paused and took her breath her voice was quiet now, her anger all but gone replaced only by pain and a deep resounding sorrow. "It was all lies. All of it. I knew….I knew what you once were, I accepted it. But I guess I thought I meant more to you than that. Maybe it's my own fault for ever thinking that, but even if it is I can't do this anymore. It's tearing me apart. I can't wake up every day worrying that you'll just leave in a moment's notice the minute someone better comes along." Alexa finished only a few tears leaking from her eyes, Sawyer was staring at her his expression unreadable, it was easier that he hadn't spoke nor tried to interrupt.

"You made your decision Sawyer. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough." Alexa's voice was bitter, and she could no longer bear to stay. So instead she did what she always did; she walked away, she walked away from all her problems, and turned her back. Every step away she took that he didn't call her back her heart hurt a little more, and any lasting hopes she had fell to pieces at her feet. She turned her head and looked back and found he was gone. The last rays of hope within her vanished Alexa once again gave into the despair that Sawyer had once driven away.

Alexa stared once more out to the ocean; her mind in turmoil, her heart in shreds. She searched on the horizon for answers, hope, and some way out of the darkness which she now found herself. But there was nothing for Alexa to find.

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Please leave a review, hopefully next chapter will be up soon. 


	17. Chapter 17

**AN**

Hey guys, next chapter is done, and hopefully eighteen will be done soon enough. Biggest thanks to the reviewers from last chapter: to arwen1982, I'm glad you're back and reading my story again andI hope my reply answered some of your questions, please tell me what you think of this one. To steam rolled harry potter thanks again for your review, comments always inspire me to keep going and get writing, espicially knowing people are enjoying it. To phili, what can i say? I'm glad you like my OC, you could be right about the mary sue, butI had hoped that Alexa ws real enough, and thatI missed most of the clichés for her to be classed as merely an OFC, but hey you liked it anyway, so thanks for the comments.

Oh and of course thanks to my Beta, for her help with everything.

So guys keep reading, and please review as you can see comments are a great help tome,and they help me to keep writing.

Disclaimer: Of courseI don't own any of the characters, quotes or plotlines you may recognise from the TV show 'Lost' **

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**Chapter 17**

Alexa opened her eyes, and blinked slowly as they were blinded by the sun. It took her a moment to remember why she felt so terrible, why she felt like some one had massacred her heart with a chainsaw. Yet the moment of forgetfulness passed, and the full force of the past few days hit her. To Alexa's surprise the memory of the others' warnings, and the injuries she sustained no longer frightened her as much. It seemed that her fear was now overshadowed by feelings of loss, and despair stronger than she had felt in a long time.

It had been nearly a year now since she had lost her best friend, and slowly but surely she had let go, her grief only prolonged by memories of her mistakes. The darkness she had lived in was constant yet there had been moments, especially here on the island on which the sun had shined, where Alexa no longer feared tomorrow as she had so long done. It seemed now however, that whatever good had passed had now come undone, and that all the hope had unravelled at her feet.

Alexa looked up as she heard shouts and voices from further down the beach. The Korean couple stood arguing, and it seemed Michael had decided to get involved. Normally Alexa's curiosity would have driven her to find out what was going on, but after people's perception of her had grown even worse, she decided it wasn't worth it. Thinking back on it; previously she might have relished in the solitude, the chance to spend her hours in the presence of another outcast, someone who before had made her welcome when others had not been. Yet that was no more.

Alexa, however, still felt the need for solitude. No one would understand what she was going through - to them she got what she deserved. Even to those who had been in similar situations, she didn't deserve pity; she was merely another enemy for them to shun. Alexa found herself less bothered by that then she should be, she should care and she should make an effort to prove she was far from the maniac people believed her to be. But she was so tired. So tired of it all. So instead she once again got up and walked away.

Alexa knew she was running once again, but she didn't care. She wandered in no specific direction through the jungle, her thoughts dwelling in places she would rather they didn't but could not seem to help. She found herself at the island golf course, and attempt from Hurley to bring some fun back to their situation. It was a gallant effort and at the time it had worked. She remembered with mirth a time she had bet with Kate that Sawyer would easily beat Jack and sink a hole.

"_No offence Kate, but he has no chance." Alexa told her laughing._

"_Oh really and why is that?" Kate asked her_

"_Because Sawyer's going to sink this one. Isn't that right?" she shouted at him. Sawyer turned and looked at her giving her a smirk._

"_What's it worth?" he asked her. And both Jack and Kate sighed in disgust._

"_You mean in addition for getting the glory of beating the great doctor Jack? Well you'll just have to wait and see won't you?" She teased. _

"_So how much do you want to bet?" She asked turning to Kate. Kate looked like she was going to turn down Alexa's offer. But Sawyer's next comment quickly changed her mind._

"_Smart move freckles. I wouldn't bet against me either." Sawyer said smugly._

"_Fine I'll take that bet." Kate told her, a distinct amount of conflict and defence of Jack showing through. _

Alexa was shaken out of her memories as she realised she wasn't alone on the course. She watched as just ahead of her Jin, the Korean man, hit stone after stone as far as he could. It seemed he was working at relieving his anger, and by the looks of things it was working. She walked up behind him, and was mildly surprised to see no fear or even mistrust in his eyes. Merely a sadness, and as she stared she realised maybe in some ways they did have something in common. Although she could quickly have told him, that whatever else Sun truly loved him. For the moment however it seemed that Jin understood, as he passed her a club and a few of the stones. She smiled slightly at him before setting up next to him. They may not have spoken the same language but there were some things that didn't need to be said.

Alexa watched as another of the stones sailed through the air. She knew in reality this was a pointless exercise, but on some level it helped. Although her mind still dwelled on other things, having a focus for her anger and her hurt was nice. She knew it was far from dealing with her problems, but she also wasn't running from them, so in some way it was an improvement.

Being away seemed to help as well, just seeing Sawyer, or even Kate was enough. One of the worst things was she didn't really know what to feel against either of them. In some ways she hated Kate for coming between her and Sawyer, for taking Sawyer from her. Yet in others she couldn't help but think that Kate haddone her a favour, shown her the truth before she had got hurt even more. And Sawyer? Well that was even more complicated, she knew that inside she still loved him, for you couldn't just wipe that away, just like you couldn't choose who you fell for, but there was so much anger at him. So much hate and resentment; that he had hurt her so much; that he had made no attempt to remedy it, to get her back; that he had toyed with her emotions; broken his promises; reduced her to this person that she didn't want to be; driven her back into the darkness which she had fought so hard against. Yet still she loved him, still longed for his touch, still wanted him to love her. She knew of course; that he didn't, that he never had and never would love her, but she found she couldn't stop herself from wanting it.

Alexa was lost and she knew it, she no longer had any anchor when she was adrift in the sea of her own emotions. Sawyer was gone, and not only that but he was gone at a time when she was most alone. Her friendship with Sayid still existed but its bonds had drawn thin now that he had Shannon. By being with Sawyer she had cut herself off from many of the other survivors, and with the rumours floating about, it was too late for her to change their opinions of her.

Alexa barely noticed as Hurley approached Jin and asked him to go fishing. It seemed Jin however had his own problems, as Hurley walked away alone. Finishing her last stone with one last almighty swing, she turned to her golfing partner and gave him a parting nod, which he returned. Alexa found herself glad that even in her despair she had found herself closer to someone with whom in normal circumstances she would never have associated. True neither she nor Jin had said a word, but emotions didn't have the problem of the language barrier, and it seemed they both understood.

Alexa made her way slowly back to the beach. Time flowed on around her, yet she had no concept of it - it could have been minutes or hours. Alexa was trapped in the memories of the past, reliving events time and time again. As she made her way back to the beach and stared into the flames of the fire, she was surprised as she looked up and saw the stars twinkling in the sky. The day had passed and Alexa had barely acknowledged it.

Alexa reached into her pocket and pulled out the coin she had given to Sawyer so long ago. He had dropped it the day he had left her when she went after Sayid. When they had met back up, she had offered it to him but he had turned it down claiming; 'she probably needed the luck more than he did'. She stared down at it, and watched as the firelight flickered off its surface. The coin was a reminder of home, but most of all it was a reminder of Sawyer and that was gone. Whatever she had had with him was gone now, so she stared at the coin one last time before flicking it into the fire. The fire would do little but char it, but Alexa knew that in the ashes and remnants of the flames the coin would never be found again.

She stood up and her eyes flicked towards the raft that Michael had started to build. The raft, and hopefully their salvation. She had no doubt of Michael's building skills, but the ocean was dangerous and treacherous, and without the proper equipment or crew, that little boat could easily be swept away, drowning its passengers. She also understood his need to be away from here, to get Walt to safety, to save his son and himself.

Alexa turned away from the raft and back to the fire, her eyes catching sight of Kate and Sun. Alexa was mildly confused by the fact that they seemed to be conversing with ease, but she shrugged it off, her thoughts focused on Kate and Sawyer again. It wasn't until she heard shouts from behind her that she realised something was going on. She turned around and quickly found the source of the problem, the raft that Michael had so carefully begun to build was in flames. Survivors were attempting to put out the fire but to no avail, and Michael's anguish was clear. Alexa made her way forward staring at the flames as they demolished the raft. She wasn't alone; to her left Kate and Sun stood watching in horror.

"Where is he!" Michael screamed at Sun as he watched the raft burn "I know he did this. Where is he!" It was no contest as to who he thought did this, his hate for Jin was obvious, and Alexa found herself going to the defence of her recent golfing partner.

"Come on Michael, that's not fair. You have no proof that Jin did this, it could have been anyone." Alexa flinched slightly as Michael rounded on her his anger obvious.

"Anyone huh? Why am I not surprised you're involved in this? Not content in just hurting people, you decided to help him to burn my raft did you?" Michael was stepping closer and Alexa found herself involuntarily stepping backwards. Alexa put her hands up in protest to his accusations, wincing slightly as it strained the wounds in her back. Playing golf probably hadn't helped.

"What…I didn't…" But Alexa was cut off once again by Michael.

"Don't lie. We all know what you're like. I should have guessed that you would have no problem with this." Michael shouted at her once again. The accusations Michael was so carelessly throwing at her hurt. She couldn't think he truly believed her capable of this. Even if she was, she would have thought the substantial evidence of her being sat within ten feet of him for the last few hours would have been enough to convince him she didn't do this.

Before Alexa could open her mouth to defend herself Kate and Jack came to her rescue, however much she resented Kate at the moment, she was glad to have her support on this.

"Michael. Alexa is right. We have no proof that Jin did this." Jack told him calmly.

"I don't need proof we know that he did this. And she probably helped him." He spat indicating Alexa.

"Alexa has been sat at the signal fire for the past three hours Michael. We have witnesses who can support that." Kate told Michael. "She didn't set foot near your raft."

"See." Alexa told him "And if you actually wait next time before throwing your accusations at innocent people, you might not have this problem." She told him angrily.

"Innocent? Yeah right." He huffed before noticing that Walt seemed to be too close to the raft and quickly ran over to stop him.

Alexa couldn't believe Michael's attitude, but it seemed it was shared by a multitude of the survivors, her recent episode with Charlie and Ethan seemed to have proven to people that she was guilty of every crime they felt like throwing at her. She had always been a bit of an outcast; her association with Sayid who people mistrusted, and Sawyer who made himself disliked by most didn't help. She knew the only reason Jack had come to her rescue, was because of his morals and his weird sense of justice, and Kate, well it could just have been her following Jack, but Alexa wondered if she was trying to get Alexa not to tell people what was going on. As of yet, the only people who knew of what went on between Kate and Sawyer a few nights ago was Kate, and Sawyer themselves along with Alexa and Sayid, whom Alexa had confided in. She knew it was far from a scandal, but if Kate wanted to keep her off again on again relationship with Jack, then him knowing that she was obviously deeply involved with Sawyer as well probably wasn't the best idea.

Part of Alexa wanted to scream at Kate and just out of spite, exaggerate what went on to Jack. She knew however that to do so was childish. Whatever hurt Kate and Sawyer had inflicted upon her, she had no right to pass it on to others. No matter how much she wanted to vent her hurt onto Kate, to make her understand what it was like, she also knew the blame fell to Sawyer. A man who seemed to have disappeared for the past day or so, as no one had seen him.

Alexa sighed and walked away from Kate and Jack who were giving her worried glances.

"Alexa wait." Kate shouted. Alexa simply ignored Kate's shout and carried on walking; she wasn't ready to have this conversation with Kate just yet. Assuming she ever would be. She wandered further outside of the general vicinity of the camp than she normally did when finding somewhere to sleep. A few weeks ago she knew she would have been sharing the shelter with Sawyer, but the days in which that occurred seemed so far away now, and Alexa was having trouble holding onto the memories of the good times, as they seemed always overshadowed by the bad. Sawyer and Kate's kiss, the time Sawyer left Alexa in the middle of the jungle injured after a fight with Boone, the time Alexa had fled once again seeing Kate and Sawyer together, the time Alexa had gone after Sayid and Sawyer had turned his back saying there were some things he couldn't do. And most recently and probably the hardest, the time when Alexa had walked away and Sawyer had said nothing to call her back. That memory was more painful than that of Sawyer and Kate together, for it destroyed all her illusions about Sawyer ever feeling anything for her. As she walked away every step she took her heart was willing him to call her back, to run to her and tell her it was all some crazy mistake. But he hadn't. And that hurt her all the more.

So as Alexa once again surrendered to sleep, she wondered when it would be that she would wake up without her heart feeling heavy, when it was she would start to appreciate life for the good it brought. Or whether this time was just one time too many.

_The dreams of course were back, with no Sawyer to chase away the nightmares; they were as vivid and dark as ever._

_She was back at the graveyard, Alexa didn't understand why, for she had let go of her guilt for what happened, she knew it was a mistake but she had accepted it and moved on. So why was she here? She moved to stand at the grave as she had before, expecting to see an empty gravestone, the words all peeled away, but instead she saw her own name engraved upon the headstone. But she wasn't dead. This made no sense. _

_Soon the scene quickly changed and she began to understand the images of the one before. She was back at the black rock, but it wasn't a rock…it was a ship. Now Alexa was even more confused. She knew she had never seen the rock before, and understood that in her dreams the rock had represented the place within the others' territory that she feared. How could the boat represent the rock? _

_And then the voices were back, taunting her. She wondered what it was they wanted from her, why did they want her?_

"_All alone now Alexa." The voice hissed at her._

"_No one to protect you anymore." The other voice hissed._

"_All alone. Just like before Alexa." It taunted_

"_You remember don't you?" It laughed. _

"_We're coming for you. There's no one to save you now Alexa. You've driven them all away." The voice mocked._

"_They won't even notice you've gone. There's nobody left to miss you." It jeered._

_The scene once more reverted back to the graveyard. Her own grave stood this time solitary and alone, even the stone itself seemed to be taunting her. Her name engraved on the plaque and nothing more, no endearments; no beloveds, just her name._

"_Who will mourn you when you're gone Alexa. Who?" The voice whispered to her. _

Alexa jerked awake, tears streamed down her face as she remembered her dreams. Who would remember her? She stopped her thoughts in her tracks, her parents that's who. Her parents back home in England, who, whatever she had done had always been there for her. However she may have pushed them away, they had still always been there for there, through everything, through all her mistakes, they would remember her. Yet even as she thought it, she knew they believed her dead already, lost to them, and yes they would have mourned for her. Their only daughter dead in a tragic plane crash, but they wouldn't know it all. They wouldn't know she had been alive the past weeks, on a desert island, an island which had brought so much happiness but so much pain. They wouldn't know how she let go of her loss of her friend, and forged new friendships. They wouldn't know how she had lost her heart to a man, they certainly wouldn't think suitable for their daughter, however grown up. And they wouldn't know how he had broken it as he probably broke many before her. There was so much they wouldn't know, and Alexa hoped that they knew she had loved them, because if she ever got off this island then she wasn't going to take them for granted any longer. However much she might hate the thought, they were both old and their time was dwindling.

Alexa's morbid thoughts were interrupted by a commotion further down the beach, and Alexa found her curiosity returning enough for her to venture out and find out what was going on. As she moved closer and saw the scene unfold she tried to be objective, however much she wanted to shout at Sawyer, not only for her but for how he was treating Jin at that moment in time.

"Stop It." A voice shouted, effectively stopping Michael from hitting Jin again. Alexa's eyes followed the three figures in the sand to the form of Sun who stood at the edge of the group; speaking English.

"He did not set fire to the raft." Sun said; her English accented but the words perfectly understandable. "He was trying to put the fire out. That is how he burnt his hands." Sun tried to explain to the group. To Alexa it seemed perfectly logical, what did Jin have to gain from setting fire to the raft? Alexa could not see him as a man too sink so low as petty revenge, however badly he may have treated Sun at times; she doubted he would do that.

The rest of the group, however, did not seem to share her sentiments as they looked at Sun in doubt, and Michael especially did not seem ready to accept Sun's explanation. Jin however was staring at his wife in shock; it seemed the revelation of Sun's new found language abilities were as much a surprise to him as everyone else. Although it did explain why Kate was having such an easy conversation with Sun the day before. Luckily before the group could turn mutinous again Locke intervened. Alexa didn't know whether to be pleased or annoyed about this turn of events, she didn't trust Locke, not that was really saying anything being as she didn't trust many people. She was never sure whether his comments were based upon true wisdom and knowledge, or just some sadistic sense of power and the urge to cause chaos, yet whatever it was it seemed that Locke was trying to help.

"Think about this logically? Who would be most likely to want to destroy our chances for means of escape?" Locke asked the survivors. His questions, however, centred on Michael. Michael made no reply but Locke continued. "We all know we aren't the only people on this island. There are others here, and it seems their intent is far from benevolent. There's no need to accuse each other of this crime, when the perpetrator is so obviously out there." He said, gesturing to the jungle. It seemed finally that Locke's words had sunk in as the survivors all nodded, she only wished that Locke had some magic words which could convince people that she had no intention of hurting anyone, let alone Claire and that she hadn't tried to kill anyone.

Michael it seemed also understood Locke's words as he stared at Jin once more before walking away and going back to the remains of the raft. Alexa moved forward through the crowd ignoring Sawyer's presence for the moment before offering her hand to Jin. Jin looked up at Alexa with slight suspicion before noting who it was. The recognition in his eye meant he took her hand and allowed her to help him up, before walking away. Alexa watched his departure and saw Sun follow after him, she knew whatever happened between them, there were going to be some rough seas before the end.

It was only after several minutes that Alexa turned back to the group only to see they had dispersed, except for Sawyer who stood in the exact spot he had minutes before. He moved as if to talk to her but then Kate moved forward to speak to him. He gave Kate a glance before speaking.

"Not now Freckles." He told her, effectively brushing her off. Alexa didn't miss the angry expression on Kate's face as she walked away and met up with Jack. Sawyer moved forward once again his intent clear as his blue eyes met Alexa's. She knew he wanted to talk, but Alexa didn't really think she was ready to hear what he had to say yet. The way he had dealt with Kate had given her hope, but she had quickly brushed it aside. She didn't want to make the same mistake time and time again. So once again for hundredth time Alexa turned her back and walked away.

"Alexa wait." Sawyer said.

"Not now Sawyer." Alexa said her voice cold.

She knew inside that she would have to talk to Sawyer eventually, but she wasn't ready yet, her wounds were too fresh. So it would have to wait, and if Alexa ever meant anything to Sawyer, which she was beginning to hope for again, then he would understand and he would wait for her. Thinking of wounds, Alexa knew she needed to see Jack, hopefully he would be able to remove the stitches. The wounds hurt less and less each day, and Alexa had an idea but if she wanted it to work then she needed to check with Jack first.

So as the sun rose next morning, Alexa awoke with it and made her way to Michael who it seemed was making the newest raft, with the assistance of Jin.

"So where do I start?" She asked. Michael sent her a confused look, but it seemed Jin understood as he showed how he needed the bamboo holding and she set to work.

"Alexa, I'm…" Michael started and Alexa knew he was about to apologise.

"It doesn't matter Michael." She told him quietly. He nodded and the three of them began to work.

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Please Review 


	18. Chapter 18

**AN**

Ok guys, i'm so sorry about the time it took me to get this chapter finished. But with only one review, thanks so much for that by the way 'steamrolledharrypotter',I find it hard to get the inspiration I need. WhenI feel as ifI am only writing for myself and my beta, it takes me longer to really feel like writing. I'm sorry for the excuse but please guys reviews are really helpful, constructive criticism is fine, just tell me what you think.

Anyway hope you like, hopefully i'll be up with the next chapter sooner.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters quotes or plotlines you may recognise from the Tv show 'Lost'.

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**Chapter 18**

Alexa winced as she pulled out another splinter, she was getting quite adept at it now, especially with all the practice she was getting. She looked up from her work as she heard some angry shouts in Korean and watched as the bamboo pieces fell apart again. It seemed Hurley wasn't doing what Jin wanted. Alexa picked up the bamboo she had been cutting and passed it to Michael before going to assist Jin. Hurley looked little perturbed as she and Jin picked the bamboo back up and she held it tightly as he bound it together, Michael came over and translated for Hurley.

"You were holding it wrong. He wants you to hold it like…how Alexa is." He said indicating Alexa who had moved over to allow Hurley to help again. Hurley had seemed slightly surprised when he had come to help and found Jin, Michael and Alexa working in perfect harmony. She understood why of course; Michael and Jin had been obvious enemies since they had first crashed here, and Alexa's anti social nature along with people's mistrust of her had cut her off from many of the survivors.

To see them all working, and in some moments laughing together had been a shock to many of the survivors. And Alexa found that by helping, she was already improving people's opinions of her. She found however, that Michael and Jin's company was enough, and she did not really seek to make more friends. Of course being friends with Michael meant extending an invitation to Walt too - not that it was all that difficult. Alexa had never really been fond of children but Walt was intelligent and curious, without being infuriating, and he had remembered their talk from weeks ago, which she found herself happy about.

As Alexa, Hurley and Jin continued with the bamboo at Michael's instruction, Jack came over and seemed to be checking on their progress. Alexa wiped her hands on her jeans before letting Hurley take over for a bit and moving over to join in the conversation.

"How's it going?" He asked Michael, as Alexa grabbed a bottle of water.

"Pretty good. We still have some more structural work to do, but Jin and Alexa are dealing with that. I've got everything else pretty much covered but…" Michael paused as he climbed down from the raft and nodded to acknowledge Alexa before continuing. "To be honest our chances of being rescued by a ship are slim." Michael told him.

"He's right." Alexa agreed. The raft wasn't huge, and they would need some way to either get any ships to notice them or find out where they were. "We would have a better chance if we had some sort of transmitter."

"Yeah, something that could send out a distress call." Michael said, as he accepted a bottle of water Alexa passed him.

"It's a good idea, but even if Sayid could come up with something to do that, you would have no way to power it." Jack said his face thoughtful as he looked at the raft.

"What about the French lady?" Hurley asked from behind them. "She had batteries right?"

Alexa stifled a groan as Hurley, Jack and Michael looked at her expectantly. It was true, of course, that Sayid said the French woman had batteries, and it was also true that she, along with Sayid, had been to the French woman's hideout. Still she knew for a fact that her arrival there had been merely luck, along with a determination to rescue Sayid, no matter what. Now by the looks of things they all expected her to lead them there. Even if she could remember how to get there, she didn't think it was such a bright idea. Despite Sayid's reassurances, the French woman was still crazy and going back there held little appeal for Alexa. Plus if she remembered rightly, last time she had returned Jack had managed to shout at her for going, insulted her intelligence, and told her she was going to get them all killed.

"Oh no guys, don't even think about it. For one I can't even remember how I got there to begin with and…" Alexa was about to carry on before she realised that both Jack and Hurley had walked away and as her eyes followed them she knew they were heading to talk to Sayid "Two, it's incredibly dangerous. We have no assurance she will even be there, or that if she is she won't try and shoot us. Oh and even Sayid wouldn't lead you there." She mumbled under her breath. Her warnings were wasted now that they had both left, but Alexa felt the need to say them anyway, even if no one was listening.

Alexa knew Sayid would not lead them after the French woman - and for good reason. After what had happened last time, no one wanted a repeat of the experience. Unfortunately, the determination she had seen made her think that, even without help, they would somehow find a way. Alexa pondered the thought as she returned to the raft and began to help Jin once again.

"Sorry about that." She mumbled to Jin as she moved and grabbed the bamboo he was struggling with. He merely looked at her and shook his head. She took it to mean he didn't mind, and on some level understood what she had said.

Alexa had not seen Sawyer in days, and her mind was whirling at what it meant. Did it mean he had finally given up hope on them and moved on to Kate for good? Was she right in her first assumptions that he had never wanted her to begin with? Or was it merely him waiting for the right time, the time when she was ready to talk to him - if ever? Building the raft had, in general, kept Alexa's mind off the whole situation, her thoughts instead focused on her work, and on her position in the raft. Michael had said the original had only been designed for four people, but with her help he had made some adjustments meaning the raft could take five. It seemed the fifth member of their endeavour was yet to have been chosen.

As the sun went down on yet another day, Alexa went to sleep too exhausted to dwell on thoughts of Sawyer, or on an uncertain future. Instead she merely longed for a dreamless sleep, one void of nightmares, and the fears her conscious mind kept buried.

By the time Alexa awoke it was later than she usual. She stood up and winced as her ribs burned from their old injury. The scratches on Alexa's back had hardly been a bother, and were now virtually healed - although she knew they would scar - but the injury from months earlier, would still twinge now and again. Alexa decided a trip to the caves was in order. She needed to fill her water bottle anyway, and she could probably convince Jack to give her some aspirin. She waved to Michael and shouted that she'd be back to help later. He nodded before continuing with his work.

Her trek to the caves was, for once, uneventful, but of course her run of good luck couldn't last, and she entered the caves to find Sayid and Jack in debate; Charlie stood by.

"Hope I'm not interrupting anything." She said as she made her way in, effectively stopping their conversation for a few seconds. Both men's eyes flickered to Alexa before flicking back to each other.

"That is low Jack. Just because I refused to show you Rousseau's hideout, you sent Hurley out for you." Sayid accused. The look of utter confusion on Jack's face was enough to even convince Alexa that he didn't have clue what Sayid was talking about.

"What are you talking about Sayid?" Jack asked bewildered.

Alexa herself was confused; she had walked in half way through a conversation and was at a loss to know what was going on. Instead of sticking around as per usual, Alexa grabbed her empty bottle and filled it up asked Jack quietly for aspirin who merely nodded before returning to his conversation, and got ready to leave. Before she did so however, Charlie, Sayid and Jack pushed out ahead of her, and unable to quash her curiosity she asked:

"Hang on. Where are you guys going?"

"After Hurley." Charlie replied darkly. It took Alexa split seconds to make a decision, she could go with them, or go back to the raft. She knew she had responsibility on the raft, but as always with Alexa, she decided to take the easy way out. Instead she merely ignored the voice which told her to leave it and asked to accompany them. They seemed reluctant at first, but Sayid knowing Alexa's stubborn nature gave up, with the excuse:

"She was there last time. Perhaps she can be some help."

Only after a few miles into the jungle did Alexa finally start to question what she was actually doing there. She hardly even knew Hurley, her last episode with French woman hadn't exactly turned out well and her escapades into the jungle in general were well acknowledged as turning into disasters. Maybe she was a jinx, maybe it was her that made all the bad stuff happen. She quickly shook off the thoughts. They were pointless, and seemed far too much like self pity. She had promised herself she was going to try and stop that.

Hearing a creak and a rustle behind her, Alexa turned on instinct, searching for the cause of the noise. Seeing nothing she turned back only to find Locke standing directly in front of her.

"Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" She asked as she tried in vain to slow her breathing. There was something about Locke that put her on edge. Ever since they had first met, something hadn't added up with him, yet she had no real valid reason for why not.

"Haven't you stopped running yet?" Locke said to her. Alexa stared bewildered at Locke. What was he talking about? She hadn't been running.

"What are you talking about?" Alexa asked, now slightly freaked out. Alexa tried to walk away to catch up with the others, but Locke blocked her path.

"You have to face it Alexa. You're putting us all in danger by not." Locke said sagely. Alexa was now really scared, Locke's words made no sense, yet on some level they were something she had heard countless times in her dreams and from her subconscious.

"Face what?" She asked.

"Face what you're afraid of Alexa." Locke said. By now Alexa was more annoyed by his cryptic attitude than bothered by it.

"Cut the Mystic Meg stuff Locke. You have something to tell me; then do." Alexa said impatiently.

"Didn't you ever wonder Alexa? Why it all happened? Why nearly everything you feared came true? You feared being kidnapped by the others. And then you were. You feared losing Sawyer to Kate. And then you did. You feared being attacked in the jungle. And then you were. You feared everyone here alienating you. And that happened too Alexa. What are you afraid of now?" Locke asked her.

"I was afraid of being alone." Alexa whispered almost to herself, "And now I am." Alexa's thoughts then swung back to the dream of a few nights alone, of dying alone where nobody cared. That couldn't come true could it? This didn't make sense though. Did it mean all her fears were founded and she was predicting what would happen in her future? Or did the future happen like that because she predicted it so?

"Thoughts don't have that much power." She said to Locke, in an effort to convince herself.

"You need to face it Alexa. By running away from everything you're afraid of, you made it real. Maybe you're right, anywhere else, thoughts don't have much power; but here, here it's different. The Island is trying to teach you something Alexa, it's given you several chances yet you still haven't learned. This is your last chance. You have to stop running." Locke said, before stepping into the jungle and almost fading into the trees.

"Wait! Wait, what do you mean last chance? My fears can't be real! Nothing has that much power! Nothing!" she shouted, but there was no one there. The jungle was so quiet, and no sign remained that Locke had been there. He couldn't be right, could he? No he was just trying to scare her, just playing on her fears again. Yet Alexa couldn't shake the feeling that everything he said had been true. All the things she had been afraid of had happened, who said that it wasn't connected? She had seen enough weird stuff on the island to know that not everything was as it seemed.

Alexa had thought that she had stopped running, that by facing her past and allowing Sawyer into her life she had been moving on. It seemed, however that that was not the case. She may have moved on in some ways, but in the others she was just the scared coward she had always been. The one who ran from all her problems in the hope that they wouldn't catch up with her. The one who turned from conflict and preferred to walk away. Alexa still didn't understand fully what Locke meant, but she saw that perhaps there was some truth in his words. It didn't matter if it was her fears that was causing these things, it mattered more that she still wasn't facing them.

The biggest problem now though, was how _did_ she face them? It was too late now, how could she change something that had already happened? She couldn't of course, but maybe she could stop the things that he said were to come. Even thinking on it, Alexa knew it would be a big step, she knew even now she was afraid: afraid of simply being afraid, she was afraid to feel, afraid to get hurt. She had allowed her fears to drive her for so long she didn't know how to do anything else.

Alexa turned rapidly as she heard rustling from the bush behind her. Maybe it was Locke? Or Sayid, Jack and Charlie had come back for her. It didn't sound like them though, no it sounded oddly familiar to the sound she had heard in the jungle many days ago now, when she had been tied to a tree. That was the first time she had decided to try and face her fears. She had failed then as well. The sound grew nearer and Alexa's instincts took over, she turned and ran. Alexa didn't know where she was running, but she had strange sense of déjà vu, reminiscent of her dreams. For some reason she kept running, thoughts of horrific deaths at some monster's hand, of mind control and evil deeds at her own by the others ran though her mind. Memories of the past where she either ran literally or figuratively. She was always running.

It was then that the truth finally hit Alexa, maybe this was what Locke had been talking about. You couldn't run from everything; no matter how much you were afraid.

Alexa found herself slowing. She planted her feet firmly on the ground and then turned. Worries of being wrong flitted past, for what if this was real? What if it was going to kill her? She pushed them aside. If she didn't stop running she was going to die anyway, be it here or by some other problem she had left behind and left to fester. She stared defiantly into the trees willing her foe to come closer. Her fear was still prominent, and Alexa knew her hands were shaking, but she refused to run any more. The trees in front of her began to sway violently, and Alexa's thoughts dwelt only on that she never had that talk with Sawyer, never gave him a chance to explain. Maybe her insecurities had been partly what had pushed him away to begin with. Her fear had caused rifts all over her life.

So she stared boldly into the jungle, and into the face of her fear. The unseen foe drew ever closer and closer. The trees not five metres in front of Alexa begin to move and the noise was deafening.

"I refuse to be afraid anymore." She whispered. Her words were barely there, but as soon as she had said them the noise stopped as did the trees; and there was silence once more.

Alexa stared bewilderedly around her: she wasn't dead. And by the looks of things she wasn't far from the beach either. She stumbled out of the jungle and onto the warm sand; her mind numb. What had happened? Had she been imagining things? Hallucinating perhaps?

"Alexa, hey!" A voice shouted and she looked up to see Michael stood on the raft. She waved back and smiled, passing the wave onto Jin who acknowledged with a nod. She headed towards them intent on helping them. Her mind was still in turmoil, but she found herself strangely free, as if she had lost some heavy weight that she had been carrying around. The ache that was forever there in her heart still remained, but it no longer seemed as sharp as before, and Alexa found herself oddly happy. Alexa was stopped before she reached the raft as she bumped into someone.

"Oh sorry Claire." Alexa said as she steadied the girl. Claire looked at her oddly before replying.

"Do I know you?" the Australian asked her politely. It was Alexa's turn to give Claire and odd look, before she remembered: Claire had lost her memory. Had Alexa really not found the time to reintroduce herself?

"Sorry again. I should have really introduced myself before. Alexa." She said holding out her hand.

"Did we know each other…you know before." Claire asked shyly. Alexa pondered the answer, well they had known each other; they hadn't exactly been friends however. Claire and Alexa had had so different views on things, Alexa realised that she had avoided real conversation with the girl in fear of conflicting opinions.

"Yeah we knew each other." Alexa said smiling before heading off and back over to the raft "Oh and Claire if you ever need anyone to talk to…" Alexa's voice dwindled, but she saw Claire's grateful smile, and knew the girl understood.

She made her way to the raft, said hello to Jin before setting back to work again. The work which had before merely been an escape for thoughts of a darker variety now seemed like a new lease of hope to Alexa. They could get off this island, and she could make up for things, try to fix some mistakes.

"Hey Alexa. Sawyer's been asking about you. He seemed pretty worried, wanted to talk to you." Michael said as he jumped down form the raft to give her a hand with part of the mast.

"Sawyer? Did he say anything else?" Alexa asked.

"Nah. Just that if I saw you, I should tell you he'd been looking." Michael told her, and she nodded before they both got back to work. Alexa wondered about Sawyer as she had often done the past few days, but now she could see things with more perspective. Maybe Sawyer had been afraid too. She looked up as Sayid, Charlie, Jack and Hurley made their way over, all looking exhausted but passing Michael a battery.

"Are you ok Alexa? We lost sight of you in the jungle and hoped you had decided to return to the beach." Sayid asked her.

"I'm fine Sayid. Better in fact." She replied and just laughed at his confused look. "Never mind." She said and he just shook his head.

As the sun slowly sank on the horizon, Alexa saw a lone figure standing much further down the beach. She recognised the profile instantly, and made up her decision quickly. She left her bag in the sand, and took off her shoes slowly paddling along the coast until she reached the figure.

"Hey Sawyer." She said quietly to his back as he faced away from her.

"Alexa." His voice said sounding startled and almost longing. Alexa saw the almost lost look in his eyes, and the sadness that was forever etched into his features, and felt the empathy and companionship she had forever felt with sawyer. She also felt guilty for her selfishness. He had been there for her when she needed it, but when had she offered him the same favours. He had talked to Kate about his past; not her, and where before there was jealously now there was merely sadness that Alexa should have done more.

"Alexa I…" Sawyer started

"Sawyer I…" Alexa said at the same time. They both shared a slight smile and Alexa felt her heart skip a beat, something it hadn't done in a while.

"I think it's time we talked." Alexa told him, and Sawyer nodded, he reached out and touched her cheek brushing away the tear which she hadn't even noticed.

"Missed you Lex….." he whispered, and Alexa smiled a sad smile and waited for an explanation. Maybe there would be something ahead for her and Sawyer. Her mind flashed to Sawyer and Kate kissing, pushing another wound into her heart. Or maybe it was too late for them.

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Please R&R thanks. Never Give up Hope. 


	19. Chapter 19

**AN **

Ok, sorry for the delay it's been a busy few weeks, so writing has been slow. Thanks to my faithful reviewers: Arwen1982, and steamrolledharrypotter I'm glad you liked it, and please keep reviewing. And thanks to my beta, who constantly whines at me to get writing and once I have whines about the mistakes, but who without this wouldn't be posted. Please review it helps me to know you're enjoying or not enjoying the story. This was a hard chapter for me to get write but hopefully I did an ok job, so please tell me what you think.

So please please review.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, quotes or plotlines you may recognise from the TV show 'Lost'.

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**Chapter 19**

Staring into Sawyer's eyes, Alexa couldn't get rid of the longing that she had felt ever since things had gone bad between them. She had tried so hard to squash the hope inside that kept her aching for him, the hope that there was some explanation, something that would allow her to forgive him. She hadn't wanted to be disappointed. She didn't want the hope to be false, so she had tried as hard as possible to just move on. To just accept that Sawyer wanted to be with Kate.

Now she stood expectant, waiting for him to talk. She knew she was leaving her heart open to him, but she also knew it was time she stopped running.

"Alexa I…I don't know what to say." He said. Alexa felt some anger flair up; if he wanted to talk to her then he should talk to her.

"Then don't." She said angrily, ready to walk away. "It's pretty obvious what you were going to say anyway."

"Alexa wait, I didn't know how to tell you I was sorry." His words made her stop. Sawyer never apologised to anyone, she knew that, so did everyone else. To hear the words from his mouth were enough to make her question what he was going to say.

"I know what I did was stupid, and you don't get how much I regret it. It's just…" he stopped again struggling with the words. Alexa knew any admittance of feelings on his part, anything that marked him as human and gave him weakness was hard for him. Under other circumstances she would have put him out of his misery, and told him there was no need, that she understood, but she didn't. She didn't understand.

"I thought that if I kissed her, I would realise what I was feeling was wrong. That it was fake." Alexa just stayed silent waiting for him to continue. She still didn't really understand what he was saying. It seemed neither of them had understood their feelings, but Sawyer's solution didn't seem to be the best of ideas.

"But it didn't. I'm sorry Lex." The most emotion Alexa had probably ever heard from him was in saying something she knew he would probably never say again. Still not ready to say what she had to, she stayed silent but it seemed that the Sawyer she was used to had to shine through again.

"The Arab was right Lex. I don't want to lose you, but don't expect me to sprout any of that emotional crap again. If it's not enough, then I guess we were both wrong."

Alexa knew that Sawyer recognized it was hard for her too, that admitting she hurt was hard, that telling him the truth was hard, but she realised he'd taken a risk, so maybe it was time she did as well.

"It hurt Sawyer. It really hurt me. I promised myself that I'd never let myself get hurt like that again. Hell you promised me you'd protect me. You broke your promises, and that hurt as well. You know I don't like feeling second best, and yet you went and did it all over again." With that off her chest Alexa decided that there were other things that needed to be said. "I'm sorry as well." Alexa said quietly, she saw Sawyer incredulous expression and tried to explain "I'm sorry that my insecurity pushed you away, I'm sorry that I allowed my fear to get in the way. Most of all I guess I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you. Look I know you don't need anyone to protect you, but you listened when I told you about what I did wrong, and yet you had to go to Kate, I should have been there."

"Can't believe your trying to blame yourself for this one Lex." Sawyer told her. "Freckles and I are through, whatever was there, if anything, it ain't there anymore."

"But…" Alexa wanted to protest that she didn't understand why. Kate was better looking, had a better personality, probably was a better kisser and was, in all probability, more like Sawyer than either of them would ever admit. Sawyer however stopped her, as if reading her mind.

"Freckles ain't a patch on you Lex. Look I know that my reputation is pretty bad, and I ain't saying I'm gonna change who I am, but I only want you."

Alexa was still a little shocked at his statement. She didn't want Sawyer to change, she'd fallen for the outcast, and mercenary he was. the only thing that had bothered her even then, was the idea that maybe he had been using her, like he had with so many others. She stopped the thoughts of her insecurity, trying to keep to the promise of not letting her fear get in the way.

"Where do we go from here?" Alexa asked finally, as they both stood staring at each other. Alexa found that she hadn't cried throughout, and wondered if perhaps she had run out of things to cry about. She wanted to forgive Sawyer, for everything, yet she couldn't help but wonder if he would go and do it all over again. If she was just leaving her heart open again - her trust was so sparsely given. Then again it seemed those who gained it, found it harder to lose than she thought.

She had forgiven Sayid for his mistakes, yet their friendship even now was not as strong. Most of all however she had asked for forgiveness from others; Boone had not given it to her, but she had been happy in the knowledge that she had at least tried to fix her mistakes. Her best friend had forgiven her for the deepest of betrayals, yet she had never truly forgiven herself. Could she forgive Sawyer for this? She herself wasn't exactly the advocate of second chances, but she knew inside she wanted to give Sawyer one. She also knew, however, that maybe she was just setting herself up again, she didn't want to make the same mistake twice.

"Guess that's up to you Lex." Sawyer told her eventually.

Alexa for once ignored her doubts ignored the voice telling her she was making a mistake, and reached up curled a hand around Sawyer's neck and kissed him. The kiss betrayed feelings that words alone could never show, it showed Sawyer the depths of Alexa's hurt, and Alexa the regret that Sawyer felt for his actions. Most of all, however, it was of longing and of passion, and as they broke apart Alexa knew that maybe she had made the same mistake, but for the moment this decision made her happy. And that was what mattered.

"Guess that means I'm forgiven." Sawyer said with a trademark smirk. She smacked his arm but willingly took his hand as they headed back to camp. Alexa however quickly noticed something was wrong, as Sawyer winced in pain once again.

"What's up?" She asked her voice laced with genuine concern.

"Headache." He replied. She merely raised an eyebrow. It was unusual for Sawyer to complain of something like that unless it was really bad.

"I have some aspirin, but you should probably go see Jack." She knew her suggestion would be met with a great deal of opposition. The animosity between Sawyer and Jack was as great as ever, although with Sawyer backing off from Kate; perhaps they could make up some of their differences. Still listening to Sawyer's rant, perhaps they were destined to hate each other.

Alexa found it hard to drag herself from Sawyer's side and it seemed he felt the same, as for the fifth time, she tried to move away but was pulled back by Sawyer only to have him pull her into a kiss again.

"I really have to go." She told him "I'm behind on helping the guys with the raft."

He looked a little disappointed but she saw the grin in his eyes as he kissed her once again, before finally releasing her.

"Think about what I said." She told him over her shoulder as she made her way over to the raft. She quickly joined Jin in adding another level to the structure of the raft and they got back into an easy rhythm. Michael wasn't around and she had heard someone mention that he had been talking to Jack. Working on the raft gave Alexa an opportunity to think. She wondered if maybe she was going to regret her decision but quickly quashed the thought. She should appreciate what she had, not what she might lose. She also knew, however, that her newly rekindled relationship with Sawyer may put a strain on the new friendships she had worked so hard to build. She knew Jin would not mind, she knew he couldn't speak English, but it wasn't that that gave her founding for her thoughts. There was so much between Jin and herself that didn't need to be said. On the surface she didn't understand what had happened between him and Sun, but underneath she saw that whatever else they loved each other, just the same as Jin saw how she felt about Sawyer and on some level understood.

Her other relationships however were in more question; she knew that she and Kate had never been the best of friends, but now things were even worse. Alexa knew Kate did not hold all the blame and she had forgiven Sawyer, so why not Kate? Alexa also knew that it was on some level jealousy that held her back; inside she still had lingering doubts, and the belief that Kate was better than her only fuelled that. She doubted the friendship between she and Jack would change, and it was tenuous at best. Jack had never approved of her involvement with Sawyer any more than he really approved of either of them. Alexa knew that their friendship was built on rocky ground and only on the joint desire to see through some of the same goals. He was a good guy but other than that there was nothing which drew them together.

In the past Alexa would have wondered about Sayid's reaction, wanting his opinion, but things had changed. He had Shannon now and it just wasn't the same. Alexa knew they would remain friends, for they had been through too much not to be. She had forgiven him for something which he had not really forgiven himself, and he had been one of her only friends here - it wasn't something that you just lost. Now however Alexa found herself pondering Michael's reaction. She had no idea how a friendship had built up, but the fact that it had and that she was unwilling to lose it surprised her. She looked up and smiled as Michael made his way over to her and Jin, behind him trailed Walt and the golden retriever: Vincent.

"Hey Michael." She said with a wave "Walt." She said as the boy gave her a small smile before looking around at the raft.

"Nice to have you back Alexa." Michael told as her pulled himself up onto the level she was currently stood on. Walt watched before quickly moving into a game of fetch with Vincent.

"Sorry about leaving like that yesterday." She told them, as she deftly caught a piece of bamboo Jin threw to her.

"Don't worry about it. I figured you had some stuff you needed to sort out." Michael told her. She nodded and felt glad that he partly understood, and wasn't instantly questioning her.

"Walt, be careful!" She heard Michael shout. Looking up from what she was doing she saw Walt running after Vincent precariously close to the jungle edge. She understood Michael's concern; going into the jungle alone was hardly safe for anyone let alone a ten year old boy and a dog. She watched with a slight smile as Walt moved closer and threw the stick for Vincent once more, Michael it seemed had seen her smile.

"You ever think of having kids?" he asked her. Alexa looked at him curious, and pondering her answer; she decided that the best way would be just to tell him the truth.

"Once, but things didn't turn out how I planned, and now, I realise I don't think I'd ever be ready to be a mother." Alexa _had_ once wanted children but the wish had been short lived; with her quickly realising she was far from maternal. The idea had been dismissed, and she had never thought about it again. Until now. As Alexa pondered it, she knew that she didn't think she could, it just wasn't something she had ever thought would be apart of her life. Then again if a few months ago some one had told her she would fall in love with a man like Sawyer, she would have laughed at them.

"When did you decide…?" Alexa trailed off wondering if her question to Michael was too personal, he looked slightly pained for a minute, with memories of the past.

"I didn't really. To be honest I only started being a father a few months ago." Alexa looked at Michael with a deeper sense of respect; she didn't truly know what had gone on but it was obvious he cared for Walt, and was doing a good job looking out for him.

The silence slowly receded, as both Michael and Alexa reminisced. The past which before had seemed only filled with pain was now holding brighter memories for Alexa, things she had refused to see before. Her best friend: Sara had wanted children; she had wanted a family. She and Alexa had spent hours talking of the future when they were kids, Alexa had wanted to go on adventures, to see everything, go everywhere, to fall hopelessly in love with some daring explorer and travel the world with him. Sara's dreams had been slightly more realistic, she had wanted to go to university and get a good job, meet someone get married and have a family, she wanted a big house, with a big garden and somewhere where she could watch her children play. They had both laughed at each others dreams wondering how they could be so different. Alexa found herself smiling at the memory before remembering that her friend hadn't got her dreams. Yes she had got a good job, gone to university, but after that things had begun to fall apart. She had met someone, and then Alexa and he had betrayed her, and if that wasn't enough her friend had had to deal with the idea that there wasn't enough time for her to live her dreams. That she wouldn't get to have that house, she would never have children, and Alexa hadn't been there. Where was she? Oh she was out there living her dream; except it wasn't quite as glamorous as Alexa had thought.

"Take a break Alexa." A voice broke through Alexa's memories. She shook her head of the memories before looking up at Michael and nodding. She grabbed a water bottle and drank some before climbing down and heading for the shade of the trees. She stumbled realising she had nearly walked into Locke and Boone who were in deep debate.

"Sorry." She mumbled, as they both looked up at the intruder and stopped talking. Locke simply smiled at her but Boone glared, she returned the glare, before remembering she was trying to make a better start with Boone as well.

"Sorry for everything Boone." She said as she walked away, Locke looked on as he always did with the knowing gleam in his eye. The look that always made Alexa wary, with the thought that he knew more than he should. Boone sneered at her, and she sighed in resignation, perhaps he truly would never forgive her, but Alexa found herself happier in the fact that she had time, that she maybe he'd relent eventually.

She walked away once again heading for shade, and left Locke and Boone to whatever they were talking about. She caught sight of Sawyer with a cloth over his head in the shade of the trees talking to Jack, she made her way over. The conversation seemed to have finished when she arrived as sunk down to Sawyer's side and felt his arm pull her towards him. Before getting comfortable however Jack gave her a worried look before speaking.

"Alexa perhaps I could talk to you?" Jack asked. Alexa raised an eyebrow at Sawyer who merely shrugged, but before she could stand up and leave he took full opportunity and reached forward and kissed her. The kiss had meant to be a parting one, but soon developed further, they were still kissing when Alexa heard an impatient cough from behind. Blushing and remembering Jack was still around she quickly pulled away. Not before Sawyer could whisper in her ear however.

"Later." He said huskily making her shiver.

She stood up and began walking with Jack, it was a while before he spoke but she didn't push it.

"I'm assuming you two are back together." He said. Before she could say anything however he continued "I don't know why you broke up, but I think I was glad when you did." Jack raised a hand to stop Alexa's outburst of indignation "He's a bad influence Alexa, and he'll only hurt you. He uses women; I thought you knew that by now, and I don't think it's good for any of us if the two of you are together." Jack finished calmly while Alexa tried hard to keep her breathing steady and not shout and scream. She was having trouble.

"What a load of self righteous rubbish! I'm old enough to make my own decisions Jack!" Alexa calmed her breathing once again and went on in a calmer voice "Thanks for your concern, but I do whatever I want, and I really don't think our relationship has any bearing on the rest of the camp or has anything to do with them or you at all." Alexa told him. He seemed resigned to the fact that she was going to say that, and mumbled something along lines of the fact that they deserved each other.

"I know you're only looking out for everyone Jack, but don't you ever get tired of playing the hero?" Alexa asked him as she walked away.

Alexa knew Jack's concerns only dwelled for what he thought was best for her and everyone else, but she couldn't see how being apart from Sawyer was helping anyone. Perhaps on the outside she had been fine, but on the inside their break-up had been tearing her apart, and Sawyer had isolated himself further from the group. By being with her he created links however indirectly to those she was friends with. They were both outcasts, so she didn't see how Jack had suddenly decided they shouldn't be together. Unfortunately some of his concerns were shared by Alexa herself. What if Sawyer was only using her? What if this was just another game to him? Still she had seen the look in his eyes, you couldn't fake that could you? Alexa didn't want to doubt Sawyer, but she couldn't help but doubt herself.

Making her way back to Sawyer's side, he seemed to know she didn't want to talk about it, so merely wrapped his arms around her. The comfort he brought was enough for the moment to chase away her doubts, but she watched as for the fifth time he winced when he heard a sound from the beach, she decided she had to do something. She stood up and pulled him with her.

"What…where?" Sawyer asked confused, wincing at his own words.

"We're going back to find Jack. You have to do something about your headaches." Sawyer groaned, but it seemed he didn't have another option.

"If I didn't love you Lex…" Alexa struggled with her shock at Sawyer's slip. He had never told her he loved her; not once. She doubted he had said it sincerely to many people, and the fact that even as a mistake he had said it to her, made her heart soar.

"It's because I do, that I'm making you go." She told him as she stuck her tongue out at him. Doubts buried far away, Alexa felt happier than she had in weeks; it sounded so cliché, that just one word from him could make her euphoric or reduce her to tears. On the one hand she hated the dependence - she should be fine on her own - but on the other the feeling that everything would be ok when they were together - that no matter what they could get through it - made it seem worthwhile.

As they made their ways into the caves, the first thing they expected to see was not Jack and Kate lips locked; kissing. Alexa was too shocked to say anything, but Sawyer merely laughed.

"'Bout time doc, thought you were never going to get to it." Sawyer said laughing as both Kate and Jack threw him dirty looks. Alexa resisted the urge to say that Kate got around, knowing that besides sounding incredibly bitchy, it made her sound jealous and immature.

"Maybe be we should leave em to it Lex. I got a feeling the doc ain't had any for a long time." Sawyer joked, seeing Jack's glare, Alexa couldn't help but smile, but noticing Sawyer's wince one more, she shook her head.

"We came for a reason." She said reminding Sawyer. Alexa took a seat next to Kate as Jack took some tests. You couldn't miss the awkward atmosphere between Kate and Alexa if you tried. Although Alexa had swallowed her pride by sitting next to Kate, she didn't think she was quite at the stage where she could start a conversation.

Alexa sighed in disgust as she realised Jack's questions were merely trying to make Sawyer look foolish, she got up to follow Sawyer before turning to Jack.

"Was that really worth it?" she asked as she walked away annoyed and knowing she needed to catch back up with Sawyer. She jogged to catch up as Sawyer walked briskly and angrily back into the direction of the beach.

"Hey wait!" She shouted. Obviously recognising her voice Sawyer stopped and waited for her to catch up. She heard his angry mumbling, and couldn't help the smile that lifted her features.

"Bet I can take your mind off it." Alexa said with a mischievous grin.

"I don't doubt that." Sawyer said playfully all his anger gone. Then they were once again kissing; making up for lost time.

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Alexa had gone back to working on the raft after leaving Sawyer with her sympathy and another bottle of water, telling him she would be back later. Alexa's fingers were numb since she hadn't stopped working for hours, and she tiredly made her way over to Sawyer's tent, which she had been asked to move back into. She couldn't stop the laughter that came, as she saw Sawyer reading another book. He was wearing glasses, or parts of glasses, it looked as if someone had attempted to make him a pair out of many other pairs, and it was hilarious.

"Oh yes very funny." He said sarcastically as she made her way over. She took a bottle of water and grabbed a drink. Noticing his eyes on her she looked at him, but couldn't help the smile. He frowned and turned away back to his book.

"I'm assuming you sorted the headache problem then." She said, and he merely nodded. "Definitely liking the new look. It suits you." She told him as she sat down next to him. Seeing her to his left, Sawyer rolled his eyes lifting his arm so she could lay her head on his chest and read as he was. She felt his hand stroking her hair, and the familiar scent of the cologne he wore even on the island, and smiled. There was no mocking, and no concealment, or secrets. The smile was real.

For the moment all the doubts, all the fears, all the thoughts of loss and of loneliness were gone. Memories of past mistakes were gone with thoughts of uncertain futures and for that one moment they could both be happy.

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Please R&R, thanks. 


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